All posts by Effen Dumb

Misc

Gum Sinks Lower

8 Comments

The ratings continue to slide with TNT looking to fall out of the top 100 for the  first time in three and a half years. Expect some major begging during the outros this week fans!

How low can you go? We will find out.
How low can you go? We will find out.

When asked for comment, the #soupguzzler had this to say:

“We could not be happier with the job Lgum has done. He has really raised the tenor of journalism here. TNT is a deep dive into the day’s news and not that fast-paced nonsense like the old TNT. Gum has become a real professional broadcaster and I am really very, very happy.”

The interviewer then realized that soup was actually asleep and repeating these words in his nightmare.
When asked for comment the Gum said the following:

“It’s astonishing how awesome TNT is. It is really, really super good. In a sec I’ll tell you why, but first I wanna give Chickenhead a waddup. You can reach me for more comments at my favorite technology company, Starbucks, where I will drink coffee from a cup with a sensor in it. Hey, waittaminute, you’re a troll and I am out of here.”

Gum ran away fast as heck but we caught up with the CEHo who was forthright as always:

“Ratings are way up [sic] and we expect to cut some costs anyways. Look for a few editors and hosts to be on the street this holiday season. [wink] Gotta get back to spreadsheets, the board in my office with shows on it and  meetings with interns. You know I have to be out of the office today by 4:45, CEO work is hard.”

Misc

Say aaaahhhhhhh

2 Comments
A healthy salad? Maybe not!
A healthy salad? Maybe not!

Thanks to modern technology and friends of #TotalDrama within the highest levels of U.S. intelligence agencies, a new revelation has been exposed. Two facts that lived in conflict, until now, have finally been reconciled. How is the rapid weight-gain congruent with the fact that Laporte eats salad?  The weight-gain—estimated at 2.42 pounds per day—is an amount well over the expected level, being that two of the five daily meals are listed as “salad.”

472 Kcal bite [unaltered photo]
472 Kcal bite [unaltered photo]
The first step in solving the riddle was photo-analysis via the latest high level CIA equipment. The process broke down the gargantuan forkfull of food to its essential elements. The results were so outlandish that #TotalDrama was compelled to garner another source to confirm the findings. A reporter was sent to find a former intern whose very job was ordering and fetching the “salad.”  The question was posed, “What was in the salad?” This was done without giving the intern prior knowledge of the CIA findings. The result was a 100-percent match, and the ingredients are meticulously listed below:

  • Fried bacon
  • Ribs (extra sauce)
  • Jiffy peanut butter
  • Hold the lettuce
  • Seven Island dressing
  • Fried wontons
  • 1 Big Mac with extra cheese
  • 1/2 pie of Dominoes pizza
  • Chocolate milkshake
  • Cream gravy
  • Ham coated in goat cheese
  • 2 Slices of cheese cake
  • Green ham (shown in picture)
  • 3 pieces of lasagna
  • Fondue
  • French fries
  • Hold all vegetables

*Update* Details are now emerging that the Petaluma Market keeps  yearling piglets out back to slaughter upon receipt of the Laporte salad order.

Misc

Sequel Released to Blockbuster Documentary

Video 13 Comments

This video premiered early this morning. I did not have a chance to view it, in its entirety, but it seems to be what was heralded from the get-go. If you do not have time to sit through the entire two hours of uncut lies, this is a highlight reel

Brony Con 2015 should be better than last year, hit me up if you need tix.

Misc

To the Small Time Troll

2 Comments

Today we salute you. The guy who usually follows rules but once in awhile, has to let one slip through.
Wearing nothing but a webuser or iphone ID, you’re living the real dream.
Getting up the courage to say what you believe, and always believing what you say.
If Sarah looks especially pretty today, let her know and comment on the host’s appearance.
Sure there’s danger; ridicule, and a permanent ban is not completely out of the question.
But your keen instincts tell you to say what you think and type what you feel. And if the joke doesn’t work, who cares? Use your cell connection with its variable IP and try again the in the morrow.
So think up a witty insult, ask about TNT ratings, inquire about the calorie count of that container of #soup.
But always remember, we  love every one of  you!

Misc

Captain Juno Issues Four Word Statement

1 Comment

For those who saw it live, it was a site to behold for all eternity. Yesterday’s Giz Wiz featuring #SoupGuzzler was a masterstroke. Kevin Spacey is a good friend, Elgan is a hit, dissing Sarah, Father Robert, employees are slaves, #CEHo math and on and on, the gems spewed from his mouth like manna from heaven. It was as if the bone-idle-glutton did a personal show for #TotalDrama. Immediately after the performance, I sent an email to Captain Juno to make sure he saw it. He returned a four word email before setting off on his mission.

“It was a cornucopia.”

Captain Juno sets off on his most important mission
Captain Juno sets off on his most important mission

Misc

Why TWiT loves the word “troll”

1 Comment

Since the dawn of time people have been attracted to power like moths to a flame, Laporte to a Twinkie or men to Sarah’s eyes.  Once power is achieved there are always those who seek to knock those in power down. Sometimes valid, sometimes not.

Trolls?
Trolls?

A great method to discredit the lowly trouble makers, and to keep the revolutionaries down, has been to use labels. Put a label on them and they are less than you. It is so easy and simple that even Jarvis can do it. So when criticism arose against TWiT, the label “troll” was not far behind.

Call a man a name, he is no longer a man
Call a man a name, he is no longer a man

Call a man a name long enough, and he is no longer a man, he is a beast. Crimes can be committed against beasts. Rights don’t apply to beasts. Those with intellect see the ruse. Those without (like the chat mods) eat up the labels because it frees them to do what is in their black hearts.

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose would by any other name smell as sweet.” There is a lot in a name, Shakespeare.
Call people trolls or be a troll, it’s time to grow up and pick a side.

Misc

Father Robert At It Again

2 Comments

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. Once again, our favorite Father has attempted to stir up drama and get the few remaining fans in an uproar by teasing his precarious future at TWiT. The outpouring of concern did not come, as no one either noticed or cared.

Premium Content
Premium Content

How will losing the  inexpensive host affect TWiT? The preacher hosts four shows and is #soup’s vacation replacement. Hiring a full time employee with benefits will certainly be more expensive than the $5,000 – $10,000 annual donation made by TWiT LLC, to procure the full time services of the amateur impersonator of a 1920’s radio announcer. A solution was quickly devised by the finance committee at TWiT:

TWiET Make co-hosts the hosts: Cost $0
Coding 101: Replace with full-time engineer Patrick: Cost: $0
Know How: Host with full-timers OMGchad & Brian: Cost $0
Padre’s Corner: Cancel, no ratings or sponsors: Cost $0
#Soup replacement: Mike Elgum: Cost $0

Total net cost of replacing padre-$0
Chance of paying money to hire someone- 0%

Misc

Can You Care a Little Bit?

2 Comments
This shot scream, "I don't give a shit"
This shot screams, “I don’t give a shit!”

Jesus Christ, could you straighten the shot out, the table is completely crooked. Nothing is centered and everything looks ridiculous. It appears as if no one even moved the screens to even them out, one is behind the table and the other is floating outside the table. I get it, it’s about the content but could you please put in minimal effort?  My mom would yell at me in high school if I left my room like that.
It’s not like the staff was rushed:

For a list of other optical illusions, click here

And why do you need two coffee cups?

Misc

In the Wake of Nudes

4 Comments
We don't support hacking
#TotalDrama stands united with naked celebrities

There was a horrible tragedy this past weekend. Many female celebrities’ online accounts were hacked and nude photos (selfies etc) were released to the public. Many of our fellow news outlets have taken it upon themselves to refrain from publishing the photos. #TotalDrama is a respectable site and, we too, will not show the photos except of the girl from Downtown Abbey if anybody can find those.                                           (Please link in comment section or email me directly)

Recently, many of the best looking looking internet celebrities have undertaken  a campaign to support the hacked celebrities and hopefully stymie cyber crime. Veronica Belmont, Mark Milan, Tom Merritt, Shannon Morse, iJustine,  Psy and others have voluntarily released nude selfies in solidarity….

Leo, this article is satire. You’re not funny bro. Seriously, please don’t. There is a time and place for jokes but please don’t. Leo, Veronica did not release photos, no one did, knock it off, #soup there are children on the internet. It was a joke Leo. Dude, you are crossing a line you can not uncross, DUDE. OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG  OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG

Is this enough?
Is this enough?

I can not un-see what I just saw. Nice knowing you all.
All the best, tell my wife I love her.


Update: Do not send pictures of Downtown Abbey girl, it is wrong and I  got them myself (finally.)