Tag Archives: news

Today’s News Bytes

“All the news without the ads”

Leo does a fine translation of the entire “Security Now” show:

<~Leo> translation: it’s faster

Is Sarah Lane married?

Dickhead kicks Chickenhead

Moments before the start of the show that features a humongous priest playing with remote control planes aired, the unthinkable happened:

Since the onset of the Elgum TNT era, fan after fan has abandoned TNT. One who remained was Chickenhead21. The Chickenhead is on the same wavelength as the host and the two really connect on a deep level. The only interaction Gum is capable of with the fans is asking for show titles. This is where the Chicken excels. Show after mindless show and day after infuriating day and week after suicide-inducing week of TNT, the fan offers up 30 to 40 mindless titles after each episode of the shitshow. He is basically Mike’s lone fan.

In an apparent break from doing his master’s wishes, the Head Chat Freak kicked the poultry fan from #twitlive to the amazement of the five other fans. Will the headless chicken numbered 21 return? Can TNT survive with only four fans? Is Dan in trouble? Will he apologize?


Jason Howell Found Innocent

Did TWiT PR find a way to cover up a story from the general public? Not so fast Lisa, #TotalDrama is on the case. It seems that, a few weeks after prolific stutterer Mike Elgum replaced professional broadcaster Tom Merritt, tech pundit Iyaz Ahktar and thoughtful commentator known as the lovely and talented Sarah Lane, on the hit show Tech News Today,™ our beloved TD had a small breakdown. Sorry, Grams!

Sorry Grams, Elgum made me do it!
Sorry Grams, Elgum made me do it!

Unable to afford an attorney, Jason elected to appear before the court “Per Se” or without an attorney. The DA brought a strong case and hundreds of witnesses. Jason’s defense lasted only two hours but he managed to beat the adept lawyers at their own game.

Prosecution did not rest!
Prosecution did not rest!

Sources close to the court told us what transpired.  Jason brought in tapes of the TNT pre-show for the court to peruse. Endless footage was displayed where the accused was blindsided every morning, ten minutes before airtime, by Elgum.  He proved that in an average day, he  faced off against five new guests who needed to be set up on Skype for the very first time. Most guests did not know how to connect a USB microphone, let alone manage lighting, shot framing or color balancing. To make it worse, other guests were scheduled who canceled faster than #Soupguzzler’s prom dates.  Jason went on to show Elgum saying “whaddup chickenhead” whilst he was forced to simultaneously entertain the fans during the pre-show with limited time while managing the set up. A picture was painted of life where temporary insanity was a forgone conclusion for any mortal man.

His case hit a snag when the prosecution showed that Jason was privileged to sit next to the lovely and talented Sarah Lane. Prosecutors claimed her hair tosses, pleasant smile, stunning eyes and the lilt in her voice would be enough to calm even a savage beast. Howell acquiesced but showed that the murder took place on Friday, a day Sarah Lane was not in studio.

Throw the book at Elgum!

The gavel dropped, the verdict was read and Jason was released. On the steps of the court house, while humbly exiting, Jason was confronted by a contrite judge and the entire team of prosecuting attorneys. A hand was placed on his shoulder, “We watched an episode, no one should have to go through that.” A single tear fell from his cheek as he ambled home to face another morning of Elgum’s madness.

*Update* New evidence showed the day of the “murder” Howell was made aware that he would be responsible to assemble clips for the annual best-of-TNT show.

Sequel Released to Blockbuster Documentary

This video premiered early this morning. I did not have a chance to view it, in its entirety, but it seems to be what was heralded from the get-go. If you do not have time to sit through the entire two hours of uncut lies, this is a highlight reel

Brony Con 2015 should be better than last year, hit me up if you need tix.

Captain Juno Issues Four Word Statement

For those who saw it live, it was a site to behold for all eternity. Yesterday’s Giz Wiz featuring #SoupGuzzler was a masterstroke. Kevin Spacey is a good friend, Elgan is a hit, dissing Sarah, Father Robert, employees are slaves, #CEHo math and on and on, the gems spewed from his mouth like manna from heaven. It was as if the bone-idle-glutton did a personal show for #TotalDrama. Immediately after the performance, I sent an email to Captain Juno to make sure he saw it. He returned a four word email before setting off on his mission.

“It was a cornucopia.”

Captain Juno sets off on his most important mission
Captain Juno sets off on his most important mission

TWIT News Department on Fire

Editor’s Note: This column marks the beginning of a new feature on #TotalDrama: “Ramblin’ Rage by Richard Yes” is a wonderful new stream-of-conscious experiment. It’s a place where our ace reporter unleashes his unfocused anger and brings us the unexpurgated #truth…

I miss the measly little cottage Tech News operation. The CNN of Tech is just not happening. They used to do interesting content with interesting guests but now it is so much less. If it’s happening in tech it’s not happening on TWiT. Who could forget the unparalleled lack of coverage of Amazon buying TWiTCH? Who could forget the horrid breaking news of the Microsoft CEO hiring, five hours after MSNBC and everyone else covered it.

Guess Who Didnt Get One of These?
Guess Who Didnt Get One of These?

They are the leading Tech network and they can’t get an invite to the 2,300 seat auditorium where the biggest announcement of 2014 is happening? And don’t feed us the shit that Inhatko and Ritchie are covering it for you. They got invites and airfare from The Chicago Sun Times and iMore. Basically everyone in tech is going. Almost everyone big man.

What the hell is Elgum doing in his office all day? Don’t answer that. And don’t feed us the story about you being banned, Apple knows who you are about as much as Kevin Spacey does.

P.S. It’s time to bite the bullet and switch to 2X large. XL is not cutting it anymore.