Thanks to modern technology and friends of #TotalDrama within the highest levels of U.S. intelligence agencies, a new revelation has been exposed. Two facts that lived in conflict, until now, have finally been reconciled. How is the rapid weight-gain congruent with the fact that Laporte eats salad? The weight-gain—estimated at 2.42 pounds per day—is an amount well over the expected level, being that two of the five daily meals are listed as “salad.”
472 Kcal bite [unaltered photo]The first step in solving the riddle was photo-analysis via the latest high level CIA equipment. The process broke down the gargantuan forkfull of food to its essential elements. The results were so outlandish that #TotalDrama was compelled to garner another source to confirm the findings. A reporter was sent to find a former intern whose very job was ordering and fetching the “salad.” The question was posed, “What was in the salad?” This was done without giving the intern prior knowledge of the CIA findings. The result was a 100-percent match, and the ingredients are meticulously listed below:
Fried bacon
Ribs (extra sauce)
Jiffy peanut butter
Hold the lettuce
Seven Island dressing
Fried wontons
1 Big Mac with extra cheese
1/2 pie of Dominoes pizza
Chocolate milkshake
Cream gravy
Ham coated in goat cheese
2 Slices of cheese cake
Green ham (shown in picture)
3 pieces of lasagna
Fondue
French fries
Hold all vegetables
*Update* Details are now emerging that the Petaluma Market keeps yearling piglets out back to slaughter upon receipt of the Laporte salad order.
Jesus Christ, could you straighten the shot out, the table is completely crooked. Nothing is centered and everything looks ridiculous. It appears as if no one even moved the screens to even them out, one is behind the table and the other is floating outside the table. I get it, it’s about the content but could you please put in minimal effort? My mom would yell at me in high school if I left my room like that.
It’s not like the staff was rushed:
The chronicling of the disgusting antics of the World’s Most Obese Priest continues today with this newly-uncovered video of Father Robert Ballecer passing gas live on camera.
A groundswell of protest is rising up from TWiT watchers worldwide after the appearance of The Next Web writer Josh Ong on a recent episode of the deeply-flawed “Tech News Today” program.
Elgum invited the scraggly-chinned reporter on to talk about some useless iPhone app that nobody cares about and what viewers were treated to was a nearly 12-minute visual eyerape courtesy of Josh’s gross goatee. Please tweet Josh at @beijingdou to tell him to give his nasty facial hair a rest by either shaving, or not appearing on TNT ever again.
Thanks in advance, Josh!
The nastiness on TNTA close-up of the horror show
Exposing The Dark Underbelly of TWiT, Leo Laporte, and Failed CEO Lisa Laporte