Balanced Reporting

Impartial #truth
Impartial #truth

We here at #TotalDrama take our responsibility as journalists very seriously. We do not take sides on issues and pride ourselves on our motto of “Just the Facts.” We recently received disturbing feedback from some fans that said our in-depth reporting on Father Robert Ballecer has made them question their faith.

The Subject of Debate, Plump PadreSJ

Our staff was called in for (yet another) emergency meeting and decided to deliver the following statement:  “Due to circumstances beyond our control, a large percentage of our reporting focused negatively on an individual associated with the Church. It was never our intent to affect peoples faith so we will attempt to rectify this matter.”

Perfect From Any Angle. Photo Courtesy of

In an effort to balance the lack of faith in a greater power we offer you a vision of something clearly celestial.  Five billion years of evolution is not enough time to craft this.
I present, God’s greatest achievement to date: Sarah Lane from the back. Trust me. You want to click this image.

TWIT News Department on Fire

Editor’s Note: This column marks the beginning of a new feature on #TotalDrama: “Ramblin’ Rage by Richard Yes” is a wonderful new stream-of-conscious experiment. It’s a place where our ace reporter unleashes his unfocused anger and brings us the unexpurgated #truth…

I miss the measly little cottage Tech News operation. The CNN of Tech is just not happening. They used to do interesting content with interesting guests but now it is so much less. If it’s happening in tech it’s not happening on TWiT. Who could forget the unparalleled lack of coverage of Amazon buying TWiTCH? Who could forget the horrid breaking news of the Microsoft CEO hiring, five hours after MSNBC and everyone else covered it.

Guess Who Didnt Get One of These?
Guess Who Didnt Get One of These?

They are the leading Tech network and they can’t get an invite to the 2,300 seat auditorium where the biggest announcement of 2014 is happening? And don’t feed us the shit that Inhatko and Ritchie are covering it for you. They got invites and airfare from The Chicago Sun Times and iMore. Basically everyone in tech is going. Almost everyone big man.

What the hell is Elgum doing in his office all day? Don’t answer that. And don’t feed us the story about you being banned, Apple knows who you are about as much as Kevin Spacey does.

P.S. It’s time to bite the bullet and switch to 2X large. XL is not cutting it anymore.

TWiT HQ built on top of ancient porn star burial ground

With Leo Laporte’s recent spate of decidedly non-family-friendly public statements, it has come to light that the ham-necked TWiT founder may not be entirely responsible for his actions.

Dead porn stars from the 1980s might be buried beneath TWiT HQ.
Dead porn stars from the 1980s might be buried beneath TWiT HQ.

It seems that TWiT HQ may be built on top of an ancient porn star burial ground. In the 1980s, as pornography studios proliferated across Southern California—in Los Angeles in particular—studio heads had to decide where to dump the bodies of dead porn stars after the industry was wracked by a secret AIDS scandal. It is rumored that up to 45 percent of the brunettes and nearly 65 percent of the blondes (both fake and real) succumbed to the dread disease. As a result, LA-area graveyards were filled to bursting with the infected, yet beautiful corpses.

After a nationwide search for alternate cemetery space, it was decided that Petaluma would become the dumping ground for these hot, but dead, porn stars. More specifically, 140 Keller St. was chosen as the largest of these open pits. So it appears that Leo might very well have been infected with the spirit of these departed sex film stars. What’s more, the vile phrases coming out of his mouth may just be the last ghostly breaths of the hot and loose actors of filmed sex-acts of days gone by.

We’re praying for you, Leo! If you need a good exorcist, contact your ex-wife. It worked getting you out of the house once before and it might very well work again in this case.

Sergey and Larry Urging Laporte to Move to iOS

Some time ago, #TotalDrama obtained a report stating the two Google co-founders have personally asked TWiT’s big-headed leader to switch to iOS from Google’s own Android operating system.  At the time, the team at #TotalDrama was unable to verify the report and did not see the impetus for Sergey and Larry to prod the plump Laporte to switch teams. A decision was made to bury the piece until more verifiable information emerged.

A recent story by a fellow publication, “Cult of Android,” shed light on why the Google honchos would make such a bold move.

IOS porn is down...for now
iOS porn is down….for now

It seems Android users are spending more time under their bedcovers with their phones than iOS users. The graph above details porn usage, on the popular site PornHub, broken down by OS. Android is the runaway leader. The hope is that moving Laporte over to iOS will simultaneously reduce Android porn usage and increase iOS porn usage, thereby making the Google operating system more family friendly.

Time to Throw Out the Real Trash

This report is a collaboration by Richard Yes and HelloWorld. (The really hateful stuff was HelloWorld.)

Angry unhappy mods
Angry, unhappy mods

Most everyone is familiar with the concept of term limits in the world of politics. We don’t usually think much of this as it seems like a pretty good way to give everyone a chance to govern. But in actuality, the idea of term limits has deeper and more reasoned roots. Oddly enough, the concept remains relevant in the case of more amateur congresses such as the local school council.

Two main problems exist with not having term limits. The first of which is that in elections the incumbent has an unfair advantage. Let’s say he or she has been the church president or library chairman or United States senator for 12 years and along comes some young upstart who thinks they can do a better job. This is a huge mountain to climb in the minds of the constituents. The second reason is that their power becomes too great and corruption sets in. Let’s discuss…

Laporte in action
Laporte in action

After a certain amount of time, relationships are built, a hierarchy is established and fear takes hold. This is what happened to the TWiT Internet Relay Chat: Originally intended as a place for TWiT fans to gather, to discuss among themselves and to build a community of their own, #twitlive eventually was destroyed by the overprotective and power-hungry moderators. And it is another sad, symbiotic dysfunctional relationship that our Gregarious Glutton and his laziness has allowed to grow. Exempli gratia: The Soupguzzler has often shielded himself from the biting blows of criticism by saying it’s not his IRC, it is in fact Dan_Macbook’s domain. In turn, Dan_Macbook says he is not to blame because it is the TWiT chatroom. In truth, we all know Dan_Macbook is merely a puppet—albeit a loyal puppet that seeks his master’s approval like a mongrel dog seeking a gentle [ewww] belly rub. But let us first examine the crime before laying blame:

Fan yelled at for saying "LOL" in caps
Fan yelled at for saying “LOL” in caps

Many have argued that it is Dan_Macbook and his band of fools who have caused the demise of TWiT. This may well be, but these overzealous chatroom moderators are surely responsible for the neutered behavior of the few remaining fans left in #twitlive. The “troll problem” that Soup brings up on nearly every recent show is a direct result of Dan and his ban-happy cohorts. They have become wicked people who think that because they are nice to each other and play kiss-ass with the hosts, that they are good people. It probably says in the  Bible somewhere: It is not how you treat your equals, but rather how you treat those whose stature is beneath you that points to your value as a “good person.” The great hero who runs the monumental Twitter account @leolaportesucks for the past three years, has documented these despicable insults. The mods hurl these mini-rants at everyone who dares to violate their capricious rules: Don’t know where is?—Gird yourself against an immediate insult. Use adult language?—Prepare to be spat upon like garbage. Have the gall to disagree with a host?—Forfeit your dignity with a kick and a rude comment. Compliment the lovely Sarah Lane on her beautiful hair?—Get an earful from a chastising chat mod.

The sign says prohibited doucebags
The sign says prohibited douchebags

We all know that a chatroom is not a democracy. And no one is saying put Dan_Macbook in jail. But it’s time to own up to the fact that he has ruined TWiT for the most active little fan soldiers among the formerly feared “TWiT Army.” And we can tell you that this is one army that has suffered mass desertions since Mike Elgum sat his orange ass down in the TNT anchor chair. How can Lisa ‘n’ Leo not notice that so many have gone AWOL? The ranks are thinning and it’s showing up in decreased advertising. Those who remain are like dogs on short leashes and offer nothing in the way of commentary, humor or insight. (Like Elgum himself.) On a personal note, I have been told to stop using #hashtags so much by a mod. #really #wtf #seriously #douchebag. Have my rights been taken away? No. Are the mods stupid? Yes.  Kick away, when people really need to be kicked. But why the disgusting insults? Does anyone say anything to these moderators, or are these rabid beasts allowed to run free? They have even given out users real names for fun, a practice known as doxing. Leo or Padre certainly will not stop these sociopaths. So who will?

Where do these dejected people go? Well, there are forums and websites all over the internet filled with the rejects from that chatroom. These heroes are uploading YouTube videos and posting in forums and hurting the reputation of SHiT, I mean TWiT. (Editors will fix that in post.) You can’t say that the “haters” and “trolls” will pop up against everyone who has a major audience—of course that happens. But you have to admit that the level of hate is beginning to exceed the level of love. I would guess that got their story of Leo “smelling and tasting” his mistress CEO from one such ex-fan. One mod has even been known to stalk people who leave TWiT to incite the hatred. Why do they do this? They are chatroom moderators for God’s sake, and their activities should remain confined to the chatroom. Dan_Macbook supplied the chat transcripts to the heavy-heaving hypocrite Leo Laporte—of his own volition—to get Erik Lanigan fired. Why on Earth would he do that to the poor kid?  Dan_Macbook is totally in need of a spanking, a cranking and a yanking.

If Dan Went Away
If Dan Went Away

So here’s where we stand: The mods are out of control—and it’s time to get rid of them. Even Soup has made fun of these keyboard cretins on the air many times. Oh, they whine and wail at first, but then they always come crawling back. The normal ones have completely ignored their modding duties or have simply quit. It breaks my heart to see human beings so used and abused; serving for 10 years out of love, a man who barely knows their names.

Tonya Hall to open up chain of Petaluma donut stores

She'll be eating the profits for sure.
She’ll be eating the profits for sure.

Tonya Hall, a.k.a. “Two Ton Tonya,” is thinking of opening up a chain of Petaluma-based donut shops. The rotund host is mulling various names, including:

  • Two Ton Tonya’s Tasty Treats
  • Tonya’s Dirty Donut Hole
  • Hot ‘n’ Nasty
  • The Donut Ho
  • Two Ton Tonya’s Sugary Snail Trail
  • Dunkin’ Blo-Nuts
  • The Big Empty Nothingness Inside and Outdoor Cafe

No word on the exact location as of yet, but it will doubtless be in easy waddling distance from Leo Laporte’s house.

Even on Days Off, He Lies to Fans

Total-Drama-All-Stars-totalRecently, on what was described as “the most boring three hours of his life,” the Jiggling Juggernaut and #Soup Aficionado was forced to spend some downtime with colleague Mike Elgum.  Food was served (obviously) and it was homemade by the TNT star himself—Mike Elgum. It’s interesting that the pizza party took place after this article was posted at #TotalDrama. But let us return to the matter at hand. Leo described the food later to fans as “awesome,” but that wasn’t good enough for the team here at #TotalDrama.

Abomination by Elgum

The team contacted world-renowned chef Wolfgang Puck and showed him Elgum’s lackluster doughy concoction. Puck also viewed the damning video of the hideous creation process. The response from the Master Chef could only be described as an angry tirade at the insult to Puck’s Italian heritage. The Italian culinary stallion’s rejoinder was too lengthy and too full of adult content to share here. After an emergency meeting of the #TotalDrama editorial board, it eventually was decided that a short summary would be released:

Master Chef Wolfgang Puck
Master Chef Wolfgang Puck

From [expletive] astart to [expletive] afinish,  it was a [expletive] disagrace to everyone whoaever put on [expletive] baking agloves. I saw the [expletive]  avideo and the [expletive]  adough was prepared inexcusably. [spit] You do not [expletive] spin a de dough [expletive] five a inches above eh de head. You a needa to [expletive] spreada outta da dough and dat meana at leasta sixteen [expletive] inches. He’sa [expletive]  pizza was a lumpy anda [expletive] full ofa uncooked a [expletive] dough. [spit] The oven wasa not[expletive] a hot enough and Pizza wasa too [expletive] far from a da [expletive] fire. The vegetables [expletive] were not a [expletive] precooked, only a [expletive] [expletive] moron thinks the vegetables [expletive]  needa the same [expletive] exacto amount of cooking as a da [expletive] pizza.

Wolfgang went on to question Laporte’s claim of Italian ancestry, saying that Laporte seems “more French.” [Translated from Italian] “They like to make love with their faces in France and do not know the first thing about food.” The crew from #TotalDrama did not stop there. A team was dispatched to Elgum’s residence to taste the suspect pizza for themselves.

Phony recipe from a phony host
Phony recipe from a phony host

Posing as journalists from Thailand, sent to Petaluma researching a story on hard drive production, they maneuvered their way into the home and eventually were invited to partake of the infamous pizza pie. All of this was documented for the official record. Noted journalist and food critic HelloWorld said, “Uuuucccccchhhhhh! Barf…Oh God, [puke].”

Below is a favorite video I made detailing how a meal should be prepared as performed by characters from “My Little Pony.”

There you have it folks, another day, another lie.

Editorial Note: Sarah Lane was not available for comment.

Leo Laporte realizes that his career is in tatters

Leo Laporte has no idea what the kids are up to these days. And that will lead to his downfall.
Leo Laporte has no idea what the kids are up to these days. And that will lead to his downfall.

On “This Week in Google,” Leo Laporte realizes live on the air, that more people are watching people play games on than tuning in to the crap shows on his own network.

At 5:30 p.m. EST Aug. 27, 2014 there were 260 live viewers of TWiG and nearly 127,000 live viewers watching one gamer on Twitch playing “League of Legends.”

“What was I thinking? Talking about intellectual stuff?” said Leo. “Nobody wants that!”

Welcome to the new world, Leo. A brave new world where the new media is getting supplanted by even newer media. Now get back to your old, boring shows and hawk some stupid mattresses.

Twitlive chatroom mods succeed in getting public WiFi locations perma-banned

Chatroom mods have succeeded in getting public WiFi locations around the world banned from #twitlive.
Chatroom mods have succeeded in getting public WiFi locations around the world banned from #twitlive.

Moderators for #twitlive, the official TWiT IRC chatroom, have succeeded in getting hundreds of public WiFi locations around the world permanently banned. Those perceived as IRC “trolls,” otherwise known as anyone who disagrees with anything on TWiT, are tweaking the network to such an extent that airport lounges, Starbucks from coast-to-coast, university common areas, and other similar areas are now off-limits to chatters. Congrats, mods! Your zeal has led to a much-diminished presence of wit and humor in #twitlive.

Jeff Jarvis still insisting that he doesn’t have a stick up his butt

Jeff Jarvis, world-famous Google-lover and journalism douche, continues to insist that he’s not a purple-faced Google shill with a stick up his ass.

But from the photo below, it’s plainly clear that Jarvis is indeed what he claims not to be; and it’s fun to use Google against Jarvis. Here’s what comes up when you search for, “Jeff Jarvis is an asshole.”

The purple-faced Jeff Jarvis
The purple-faced Jeff Jarvis