In honor of 9/11

Today is September 11.
In honor of one of the most horrific terrorist attacks the United States has ever known, we here at #TotalDrama bow our heads and pray for the continued good health of the nation.

God Bless the United States of America
God Bless the United States of America

Unfortunately, our sources are telling us that more attacks have been planned. We are preparing for the worst here in the #TotalDrama newsroom.

Just to clear up any possible confusion: We’re referring to September 11, 2014, the day that Leo Laporte decided to continue broadcasting his banal programming. Here’s the lineup of terrorist acts that we’re being told have already been launched for September 11, 2014:

1:00 p.m. TNT
2:00 p.m. Know How…
3:00 p.m. The Social Hour
4:30 p.m. Coding 101
5:30 p.m. Home Theater Geeks pre-recorded on 9/6
7:30 p.m. The Giz Wiz9:00 PM TWiCH
10:00 p.m. OMGcraft

We pray for the soul of the nation and beseech almighty God above that this passes without too much pain and suffering.
Use offer code “TWiT Al Qaeda.”

Say aaaahhhhhhh

A healthy salad? Maybe not!
A healthy salad? Maybe not!

Thanks to modern technology and friends of #TotalDrama within the highest levels of U.S. intelligence agencies, a new revelation has been exposed. Two facts that lived in conflict, until now, have finally been reconciled. How is the rapid weight-gain congruent with the fact that Laporte eats salad?  The weight-gain—estimated at 2.42 pounds per day—is an amount well over the expected level, being that two of the five daily meals are listed as “salad.”

472 Kcal bite [unaltered photo]
472 Kcal bite [unaltered photo]
The first step in solving the riddle was photo-analysis via the latest high level CIA equipment. The process broke down the gargantuan forkfull of food to its essential elements. The results were so outlandish that #TotalDrama was compelled to garner another source to confirm the findings. A reporter was sent to find a former intern whose very job was ordering and fetching the “salad.”  The question was posed, “What was in the salad?” This was done without giving the intern prior knowledge of the CIA findings. The result was a 100-percent match, and the ingredients are meticulously listed below:

  • Fried bacon
  • Ribs (extra sauce)
  • Jiffy peanut butter
  • Hold the lettuce
  • Seven Island dressing
  • Fried wontons
  • 1 Big Mac with extra cheese
  • 1/2 pie of Dominoes pizza
  • Chocolate milkshake
  • Cream gravy
  • Ham coated in goat cheese
  • 2 Slices of cheese cake
  • Green ham (shown in picture)
  • 3 pieces of lasagna
  • Fondue
  • French fries
  • Hold all vegetables

*Update* Details are now emerging that the Petaluma Market keeps  yearling piglets out back to slaughter upon receipt of the Laporte salad order.

Sequel Released to Blockbuster Documentary

This video premiered early this morning. I did not have a chance to view it, in its entirety, but it seems to be what was heralded from the get-go. If you do not have time to sit through the entire two hours of uncut lies, this is a highlight reel

Brony Con 2015 should be better than last year, hit me up if you need tix.

To the Small Time Troll

Today we salute you. The guy who usually follows rules but once in awhile, has to let one slip through.
Wearing nothing but a webuser or iphone ID, you’re living the real dream.
Getting up the courage to say what you believe, and always believing what you say.
If Sarah looks especially pretty today, let her know and comment on the host’s appearance.
Sure there’s danger; ridicule, and a permanent ban is not completely out of the question.
But your keen instincts tell you to say what you think and type what you feel. And if the joke doesn’t work, who cares? Use your cell connection with its variable IP and try again the in the morrow.
So think up a witty insult, ask about TNT ratings, inquire about the calorie count of that container of #soup.
But always remember, we  love every one of  you!

Captain Juno Issues Four Word Statement

For those who saw it live, it was a site to behold for all eternity. Yesterday’s Giz Wiz featuring #SoupGuzzler was a masterstroke. Kevin Spacey is a good friend, Elgan is a hit, dissing Sarah, Father Robert, employees are slaves, #CEHo math and on and on, the gems spewed from his mouth like manna from heaven. It was as if the bone-idle-glutton did a personal show for #TotalDrama. Immediately after the performance, I sent an email to Captain Juno to make sure he saw it. He returned a four word email before setting off on his mission.

“It was a cornucopia.”

Captain Juno sets off on his most important mission
Captain Juno sets off on his most important mission

Mike Elgum has locked himself in the “Rape Room”

Ahead of Tuesday’s big announcements by Apple, Inc., reports have reached #TotalDrama’s ear that Mike Elgum has locked himself in the “Rape Room” to gather his thoughts.

Elgum is in the Rape Room preparing some bullshit stories about Apple ahead of Tuesday's big event.
Elgum is in the Rape Room preparing some bullshit stories about Apple ahead of Tuesday’s big event.

There is nothing quite like a TWiT Special Event that brings out the inane and irrelevant mumbling from the so-called news director. We’re expecting quite a load of lame jokes, a garbage pail of half-cocked commentary and a shit-ton of bizarre ass-licky attempts to curry favor with Leo. All of it—of course—will fall flat. But that’s not stopping Gumbot from hunkering down in the bunker and cobbling together a slew of shitty rants to throw at an unsuspecting livestream audience.

Shrewd TWiT watchers will be prepared with earplugs or will just tune in to the CNET to get the real story on Apple’s expected blockbuster tech news.

Why TWiT loves the word “troll”

Since the dawn of time people have been attracted to power like moths to a flame, Laporte to a Twinkie or men to Sarah’s eyes.  Once power is achieved there are always those who seek to knock those in power down. Sometimes valid, sometimes not.

Trolls?
Trolls?

A great method to discredit the lowly trouble makers, and to keep the revolutionaries down, has been to use labels. Put a label on them and they are less than you. It is so easy and simple that even Jarvis can do it. So when criticism arose against TWiT, the label “troll” was not far behind.

Call a man a name, he is no longer a man
Call a man a name, he is no longer a man

Call a man a name long enough, and he is no longer a man, he is a beast. Crimes can be committed against beasts. Rights don’t apply to beasts. Those with intellect see the ruse. Those without (like the chat mods) eat up the labels because it frees them to do what is in their black hearts.

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose would by any other name smell as sweet.” There is a lot in a name, Shakespeare.
Call people trolls or be a troll, it’s time to grow up and pick a side.

Father Robert At It Again

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. Once again, our favorite Father has attempted to stir up drama and get the few remaining fans in an uproar by teasing his precarious future at TWiT. The outpouring of concern did not come, as no one either noticed or cared.

Premium Content
Premium Content

How will losing the  inexpensive host affect TWiT? The preacher hosts four shows and is #soup’s vacation replacement. Hiring a full time employee with benefits will certainly be more expensive than the $5,000 – $10,000 annual donation made by TWiT LLC, to procure the full time services of the amateur impersonator of a 1920’s radio announcer. A solution was quickly devised by the finance committee at TWiT:

TWiET Make co-hosts the hosts: Cost $0
Coding 101: Replace with full-time engineer Patrick: Cost: $0
Know How: Host with full-timers OMGchad & Brian: Cost $0
Padre’s Corner: Cancel, no ratings or sponsors: Cost $0
#Soup replacement: Mike Elgum: Cost $0

Total net cost of replacing padre-$0
Chance of paying money to hire someone- 0%

Can You Care a Little Bit?

This shot scream, "I don't give a shit"
This shot screams, “I don’t give a shit!”

Jesus Christ, could you straighten the shot out, the table is completely crooked. Nothing is centered and everything looks ridiculous. It appears as if no one even moved the screens to even them out, one is behind the table and the other is floating outside the table. I get it, it’s about the content but could you please put in minimal effort?  My mom would yell at me in high school if I left my room like that.
It’s not like the staff was rushed:

For a list of other optical illusions, click here

And why do you need two coffee cups?