All posts by King Leo Laporte

Man of God

The End is Nigh for Father Robert Ballecer

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If I asked you to describe the qualities of a priest most of you would say that person is kind, peaceful, understanding and an eloquent speaker of the teachings of Christ. It is also a man who is devoted to serving the Lord, and will tirelessly sacrifice himself for the sick and the poor.

Fr. Robert Ballecer (Andy Warhol-commissioned painting, circa 1987)

Of course that would be your impression until you met Father Robert Ballecer. This man can only be described as the Bizarro Superman of the ecclesiastical world. To use a food analogy (and you know it fits here) it’s what you get when you add 1 cup of corruption, 2 cups of perverted fetishes, 3 cups of dishonesty, one teaspoon of cumin and then bake at 325 degrees until it fattens up like a Butterball® turkey (absolutely no disrespect to Butterball® turkeys, those turkeys are amazing).

The man is even a joke in his own circles. On the website jesuits.org, he received nothing but a scoffed mention in the official newsletter as “the priest seen cavorting around Las Vegas again under the auspices of a ‘technology convention’”. Even fellow Jesuits see him as a clown.

On the website goodjesuitbadjesuit.blogspot.com, you can read him defending a lavish lifestyle of going on vacations and “eating” at good restaurants on the church’s dime because it serves his “emotional needs”. I haven’t read the entire bible yet but I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t ask the Romans to stop nailing him to the fucking cross so he could have a sandwich.

Therefore it came as no surprise to this TotalDrama writer when Fr. Robert Ballecer began complaining like a petulant child about not getting his first choice of “studio” space when he moves to Rome in mid-June. That’s right… he plans to continue the act. His first choice of studio is apparently unusable because there is an ambulance station directly outside. The only other location is some moldy (possibly unhealthy) underground room not used for centuries. For a man who is extremely obese I find it ironic that he is now expressing a concern for his health. Fuck you fake priest, you’re Rome’s problem now.

Thank you to the chatters in our chat room for providing much of the source materials used in this article. If you have any ideas for an article we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.  Also a big thank you to the tireless editors, reporters and administrative staff who sacrifice their sanity every day so this trainwreck is completely documented.

Misc

Twitter’s Lawyers Are Not Fucking Around

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Joseph C. Gratz, Lead Attorney for Twitter (is not fucking around here).

Twitter’s lawyers have responded to TWiT’s claim of trademark infringement and breach of contract, and while I’m not a lawyer it seems that the gist of their response was “what crappy law school did you graduate from because you dumbfucks don’t know shit about trademark law and contracts”.

Karin P. Beam, TWiT lawyer (black and white photo only because color would have cost her extra)

It should surprise no one that Leo Laporte allegedly sought out the most incompetent but cost-effective lawyer in Sonoma County to argue this case. We’re trying to find out how this relationship began — but we strongly believe some sort of “discount” was involved.

The PDF summary of the Motion To Dismiss is embedded below should you want to read what a “evidence-based” legal argument consists of.

What is clearly apparent is that this law firm did their fucking research. “They are even better at digging up past stuff than we are” remarked TotalDrama’s editor-in-chief during our 5-hour production meeting. Honestly we haven’t seen this much research and attention to detail since TotalDrama published the story of Leo showing his dick on the livestream.

Law offices of Durie Tangri, San Francisco, CA

We would like to acknowledge and salute the dozens of interns who were forced to consume every disgusting morsel of Leo Laporte’s horrid history, in order to gather enough evidence to bring down the greedy son of a bitch and defend this ridiculous legal claim. We have included a fictional re-enactment above. Thank you for your service.

Also thank you to the anonymous chatter in our chat room for providing the inspiration for this article. If you have any ideas for an article we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.

Misc

TWiT vs. Twitter: Discovery Phase

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For better quality watch the video fullscreen.

When news broke that Leo Laporte was suing Twitter for breach of contract and trademark infringement, we all checked our calendars to make sure it wasn’t April 1st.

Doug Llewelyn, Jr. – San Francisco court reporter

When it became obvious that it was still mid-January, TotalDrama immediately sent our intrepid court reporter to San Francisco to monitor what would most likely be the trademark infringement case of the century.

TWiT vs. Twitter has just entered the discovery phase of the trial, and we are now getting access to some of the documents being entered into evidence. Judge Jacqueline Scott Corley (who we believe drew the shortest straw in the office) asked both sides to submit a video sample of some of the content which exemplifies their core business.

TWiT has requested a jury trial so we believe these videos will help “educate” the jurors or at least clear up the confusion that these companies are in fact not the same legal entity. Yeah™

Editor’s Note: The above video is a dramatization and not real trial evidence. TotalDrama will continue to follow the trial closely and will provide material updates as they become available.

Misc

TWiT Years a Slave

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TWiT LLC is truly a reprehensible company with a marked history of firing honest and hard-working employees and/or treating them like shit. Recently, Leo Laporte was heard explaining why keeping employee numbers low is a great thing. Breaking news… it’s not because he’s an altruistic employer.

Under federal law, an employer is not allowed to discriminate or make employment decisions based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age or genetic information. However, most of these protections fall by the wayside once the number of employees falls below 20, or if any of those workers are independent contractors.

File Photo: Shannon Morse’s impressive “body of work”

If you are employed a independent contractor (also referred to as a 1099 employee, aka NET-60 employee) you literally have no workplace rights, you’re not entitled to any benefits and generally cannot sue for workplace discrimination or harassment. An independent contractor is simply someone who contracts their services to more than one company and is not under the complete control of one company. This is why Shannon Morse (aka Snubs, aka snubs.zip) would have no legal basis for filing a lawsuit because her body of work appears on more than one website.

So it would appear that TWiT’s modus operandi has been, all along, to bring in as many independent contractors as possible to avoid much of the liabilities and responsibilities that come with traditional employees, while keeping the number of 9 to 5 employees as low as possible to lessen worker rights.

Many people would argue that Leo Laporte, Lisa Laporte and TWiT aren’t doing anything wrong and that they are simply complying with the employment laws as defined. Sure, that is one point of view, if you’re a fucking sadist. But we all know that nothing in the law prevents employers from offering benefits to employees in companies with less than 20 people or taking the moral high ground that harassment of any kind should never be tolerated. If it was up to Leo Laporte, he would literally bring back slavery, and every new employee would have to qualify by first getting on their hands and knees. Harvey Weinstein would be fucking proud.

Library of Congress File Photo: Slavery (2017)
News

Hurricane Lisa will not stop until TWiT is destroyed

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In a move that would make Hurricane Maria envious, TWiT’s much-maligned CEO Lisa Laporte continues her reign of destruction on what remains of the failing TWiT Network.

In the latest Inside TWiT blog post, Lisa Laporte outlined the upcoming fall changes (i.e. cancellations) that were necessary to “bring more context and perspective” to the TWiT network.

The informative yet sponsor-challenged Home Theater Geeks has finally been 86’d from the menu, but thankfully Scott Wilkinson will continue to grace us on The Tech Guy radio show, while also remaining Leo Laporte’s personal audio/video calibrator for the rest of his natural life. The LG TV tagline “Life’s Good” is extremely appropriate here, unless you’re totally trapped right now like Scott Wilkinson.

Secondly, the hilariously insightful daily tech news show Tech News Today is being downsized to a weekly show, leaving its final viewers concerned how they are going to last 6 days without their daily dose of tech news.

But as a goodwill gesture, those who subscribed to Tech News Today will automatically be subscribed to its weekly replacement (yay?) We haven’t seen this level of generosity since U2 gifted their fucking terrible album to all iTunes users and that didn’t end well.

Last, but not least, the highly unpredictable Know How has been exorsized of half its shows. The twice-a-week show — which Father Robert Ballecer simply uses as a pulpit for self-praise and native ads — will now be seen only once per week. We reached out to Fr. Robert for comment and his exact words were “I TOTALLY understand that it’s painful… but this is healthy”. [ #twitlive chat – Oct. 1/17 17:52 PDT ] We firmly believe this isn’t the first time he’s used that line on somebody.

In summary, Abraham Lincoln might have freed the slaves, but Lisa Laporte did one better by liberating Mondays from the TWiT schedule. While canceling shows does marginally impact the bottom line, we don’t think this is enough to stay profitable, which is why we suspect another round of firings is just around the corner. Please tell us who you think will be fired next, and why. If you’re a TWiT employee now’s your chance to throw your co-worker under the bus.

Editor’s Note: Thank you to the anonymous chatter in our chat room for providing the content for this story. If you have breaking news please feel free to submit a tip, or if you’re tired of rotting away in your Mom’s basement please send us your resume.

Misc

Leo Laporte is a Braggadocious Asshole

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William Shakespeare said it best when he quipped “Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.”

Leo Laporte shown here at his emotional age

We don’t believe Leo Laporte ever got the memo because his fat mouth spews more braggadocios garbage than any reasonable person can handle.

If you’ve watched any Leo Laporte show in 2017 chances are you’ve heard him bragging endlessly about some stupid cell phone, computer or vacation he took or is about to take.

All we know for sure is that Leo Laporte uses these vacations and materialistic possessions to define his success. Maintaining the illusion of success is paramount even if that means firing employees to free up money.

But clearly TWiT isn’t a success in any sense of the word. It’s been a complete personal failure, financial failure, cultural tolerance failure, and the company doesn’t have the ability to hire and retain talent ( . )( . )

You don’t have to look far and wide to uncover the undeniable proof that Leo Laporte and TWiT have become a complete laughing stock and they are living on borrowed time. We look forward to watching this oversized asshole completely disappear like an loose turd circling the toilet bowl. Bon Voyage asshole.

Misc

The Firings Continue Like Clockwork

126 Comments

Update: Bryan confirmed he is unemployed, contrary to FMCP’s lie that Bryan is “moving into a new venture“.

Petaluma bus ticket and/or TWiT employment souvenir

It should now be obvious to anyone that TWiT is in an irreversible death spiral after recently suffering its third consecutive month of staff firings.

In early June, TWiT bid adieu to Tony Wang, Kara Kohl and Frédérique Louis, three employees whose hard work and loyalty was reciprocated by getting fired. Then, in July, Nathan Olivarez-Giles was told adios muchacho, given a bus ticket and escorted off the property.

Dramatization of TWiT’s “production meeting”

Last week, TWiT staff assembled for an #insidetwit “production meeting”, a name which must be an inside joke at this point because everyone who works there knows that TWiT podcasts have no production value whatsoever.

TotalDrama’s attempts to infiltrate this meeting failed after we got lost and ended up at Lagunitas. However, we think the meeting must have gone down like an episode of The Apprentice in which everyone had to make a statement about why they should not be fired.

When the smoke finally cleared, TWiT said goodbye to the devilishly debonair Bryan Burnett, the gfycat goddess Carly Perkins and the completely abominable Tonya Hall (fired a second time because the first time it didn’t stick?). We wish them all good luck and hope they land on their feet soon.

As expected, Leo & Lisa Laporte celebrated all the money they just saved by booking another vacation, this time to Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth where dreams come true™,unless of course you were just fired from TWiT and can no longer make rent. To show there were no hard feelings the following postcard was mailed out, with postage due on delivery:

Thank you to the anonymous chatter in our chat room for giving us the initial tip for this story. If you were fired from TWiT and wish to speak out against these motherfucking monsters, we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.

Misc

Inside the Mind of Perverted Tech Pundit Leo Laporte

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Leo Laporte is no stranger to perverted thoughts. From the time he sexually harassed Sarah Lane, to the time he made a disgusting handjob joke about Megan Morrone’s daughter, there is one more thing even more certain than death and taxes, and that’s you can always count on Leo Laporte to say the most perverted things live on the air.

TWiT’s public relations consultant (O’Doctah) could not be reached for comment.

Case in point on This Week In Google, everyone’s favorite IoT princess Stacey Higginbotham was introducing a new camera appliance and made the unfortunate mistake of rubbing it up and down.

Instead of being a professional and letting this go Leo Laporte immediately went FULL PERVERT and told Stacey to “stop rubbing it”.

Not only was this embarrassing and completely avoidable, but it affirmed what we’ve been saying all this time… that Leo Laporte has possibly the most perverted mind in the universe.

Through the power of modern technology (thank you Starbucks) we’ve been able to see exactly what Leo Laporte was thinking the entire time. Viewer Discretion is Advised.

Misc

Leo Laporte Is Still An Incorrigible Racist

38 Comments
For better quality watch the video fullscreen.

Katie Benner is a smart and savvy technology reporter for the New York Times who hates Naturebox.

Katie Benner (File Photo)

Benner was phoning in to This Week In Tech to discuss her NYT’s article on how women entrepreneurs who seek financing from angel investors are often on the receiving end of inappropriate verbal advances and touching.

We at TotalDrama fully condemn these scumbags and hope they die a long and painful cancerous death.

The person responsible for finding a correct image of Benner was Karsten Bondy, the lovable but incompetent bow-tie wearing producer and technical director of such hit shows as Triangulation. However TotalDrama places 100% full legal responsibility (FLR™) for this screw up on the racist (example 1 & example 2) patriarch Leo Laporte who should have been the safety net here.

Not only has Benner been a regular guest on Tech News Tonight (which we hear Laporte watches religiously), but she’s also appeared two other times on This Week In Tech (appearance 1 & appearance 2). How does Leo Laporte not know what Katie Benner looks like at this point? Do all Asian people look the same to Leo Laporte? The rest of this trainwreck can only be experienced by watching the video above.

Update: Thanks to the #drama chatroom member who uncovered another photo of “Katie Benner” switched out at the last moment.

Editor’s Note: This one is a joke made by a chat room member, spoofing Leo’s racist error. The video and everything above is real.

Misc

Scott Wilkinson Gets Masterfully Trolled

67 Comments
Update: By popular demand — one guy using a bunch of different names in the comments — here’s the video of Leo handling a call from Longmont Potion Castle the following weekend.
For better quality watch the video fullscreen.

Scott Wilkinson is a professional home theater expert who we affectionately refer to as the maniacal cackling Santa Claus. He’s probably never been targeted by an Internet troll. But cue “Carmelo” from Needles, California, calling in to The Tech Guy.

Facial composite of “Carmelo” drawn by police sketch artist after listening to audio

What started off as an innocent home theater question quickly turned into a trolling master class. There’s no doubt that “Carmelo” meticulously planned and executed this troll to perfection. This was not a mindless Howard Stern fan yelling “ba ba booey” and then hanging up. This was someone who spent a lot of time writing what he was going to say, choosing every word and sound effect with precision.

Editor’s Note: We found out “Carmelo” is Longmont Potion Castle, a famous prank caller.

At TotalDrama we don’t condone trolling good and honest people like Scott. However we were amazed and in complete awe at the amount of preparation and courage this must have taken. Congrats on the good job “Carmelo” and enjoy your video tribute.