All posts by King Leo Laporte

BREAKING: TWiT has lost its case against Twitter

Re-enactment of press corps reaction

We are receiving reports from the United States District Court that TWiT was unsuccessful at extorting millions of dollars from Twitter in the trademark infringement case of the century  previously covered (1) here, (2) here and (3) here.

We could not reach Leo Laporte (or Hilton Goring) for comment, but we were able to secure the following video from a random German media outlet (above).

Actual Courtroom Audio

Audio of Judge lambasting and laughing at TWiT’s lawyer

UPDATE: TotalDrama has received the official ruling below:

TWiT, LLC vs. Twitter Inc. – Case Dismissal

If you have any ideas for an article (like who Leo is frivilously suing next) we encourage you to visit our chatroom, leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.  A big thank you to our intrepid court reporter who was forced to listen to endless hours of TWiT pleading its case in court without being able to openly laugh his ass off.

Leo Laporte suspects people don’t like him

In a striking development it appears Leo Laporte wasn’t the most revered employee at ZDTV/TechTV after all… what the fuck?

Random TechTV janitor is upset he was not asked to send in a video tribute

During The New Screensavers “show prep”, he asked Emmy award-winning producer Jerry Wagley (wow times must be tough) how many of his ex-coworkers were contacted to submit a video tribute for the 20th Anniversary TechTV segment.

Surely the people that worked every day around this amazing man would have some good memories of those times, right?

Apart from the usual suspects who are still trapped or enslaved, and the guy who was behind operation suck TWiT dry, it was pretty much the ghost town you expected. Video is above.

The animosity towards Leo Laporte was also confirmed when nobody told him (not even his own staff!) that TechTV was throwing a 20th Anniversary party in San Francisco. How is it possible that the beloved king of TechTV was not made aware of this? The event had been advertised on Facebook which we all know Leo has quit (numerous times), but it’s completely unknown at this time why nobody mentioned this to the captain himself, the man who was at the helm of TechTV until the time it hit the proverbial iceberg.

Thank you to the chatters in our chat room for providing much of the source materials used in this article. If you have any ideas for an article we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.

Leo Laporte blames all crime on Blacks and Hispanics

Click on image for full poster. Viewer discretion is advised.

Leo Laporte has made an illustrious career of being a subtle and not-so-subtle racist from the time he couldn’t tell asians apart to the time he said all black people looked the same.

There was also that time he used a racist slur to describe Florence Ion (@Ohthatflo), not just once but twice. If there was a special league for racists, Leo Laporte would be batting a thousand and be the team MVP by now.

Petaluma demographics/crime piechart (2016 data)

But Leo Laporte isn’t happy with merely being the top racist in Petaluma (where he moved to to escape minorities) he clearly has bigger aspirations. On this past Sunday’s This Week in Tech Leo Laporte decided to show his further disdain for blacks and hispanics.

Leo Laporte seen here building energy so he can spew racist remarks.

When given the opportunity to explain why Japan has a low crime rate, he surmised it might be related to its homogeneous population and history of public shaming. An intelligent racist would have stopped there. What came from his diseased mouth next was completely disgusting, but it came as no shock to regular viewers of this network.

We’ll give Leo Laporte the benefit of the doubt that he simply “forgot” to mention that white people also commit crimes. Yeas™Leo Laporte is definitely not a racist /s.

Thank you to the user thoughtpolyp who notified us about this incident in the comment section of our last article #fistbump. If you see anything newsworthy please (1) visit our chat room, or (2) leave an anonymous comment below, or (3) submit a tip by clicking on “Feedback & Tips” to the right.

Leo Laporte mocks radio show caller

TWiT fan VIP area

It’s no secret that Leo Laporte treats his fans like absolute shit and is never grateful for their support.  Everyone remembers the bricks debacle, the time he said people in the chatroom had no lives, and the time he embarrassed them by saying they only watched the livestream because they had nothing better to do. Classy.

Typical radio show caller (probably from California)

It was only a matter of time before he set his sights on one of his callers from The Tech Guy radio show. After receiving two weird calls in a row (what are the chances?!) he decided to visually mock the third caller whose only crime was that he rambled on a bit. Leo Laporte could have been respectful and listened to the question in full. Alternatively he could have politely interrupted the caller to get him back on track.

Actor demonstrating what proper disdain looks like

But what Leo Laporte ended up doing was one of the most disrespectful things you can do to someone who can’t see you. Many of you probably remember the time he also did this to Steve Gibson on Security Now. This level of contempt is fucking shameful. Leo Laporte has completely run out his usefulness on this planet and needs to retire.

If you have any ideas for an article we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip. Thanks go out to TWiT for letting us borrow Hilton Goring so he could shoot the VFX portion of the video above.

The End is Nigh for Father Robert Ballecer

If I asked you to describe the qualities of a priest most of you would say that person is kind, peaceful, understanding and an eloquent speaker of the teachings of Christ. It is also a man who is devoted to serving the Lord, and will tirelessly sacrifice himself for the sick and the poor.

Fr. Robert Ballecer (Andy Warhol-commissioned painting, circa 1987)

Of course that would be your impression until you met Father Robert Ballecer. This man can only be described as the Bizarro Superman of the ecclesiastical world. To use a food analogy (and you know it fits here) it’s what you get when you add 1 cup of corruption, 2 cups of perverted fetishes, 3 cups of dishonesty, one teaspoon of cumin and then bake at 325 degrees until it fattens up like a Butterball® turkey (absolutely no disrespect to Butterball® turkeys, those turkeys are amazing).

The man is even a joke in his own circles. On the website jesuits.org, he received nothing but a scoffed mention in the official newsletter as “the priest seen cavorting around Las Vegas again under the auspices of a ‘technology convention’”. Even fellow Jesuits see him as a clown.

On the website goodjesuitbadjesuit.blogspot.com, you can read him defending a lavish lifestyle of going on vacations and “eating” at good restaurants on the church’s dime because it serves his “emotional needs”. I haven’t read the entire bible yet but I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t ask the Romans to stop nailing him to the fucking cross so he could have a sandwich.

Therefore it came as no surprise to this TotalDrama writer when Fr. Robert Ballecer began complaining like a petulant child about not getting his first choice of “studio” space when he moves to Rome in mid-June. That’s right… he plans to continue the act. His first choice of studio is apparently unusable because there is an ambulance station directly outside. The only other location is some moldy (possibly unhealthy) underground room not used for centuries. For a man who is extremely obese I find it ironic that he is now expressing a concern for his health. Fuck you fake priest, you’re Rome’s problem now.

Thank you to the chatters in our chat room for providing much of the source materials used in this article. If you have any ideas for an article we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.  Also a big thank you to the tireless editors, reporters and administrative staff who sacrifice their sanity every day so this trainwreck is completely documented.

Twitter’s Lawyers Are Not Fucking Around

Joseph C. Gratz, Lead Attorney for Twitter (is not fucking around here).

Twitter’s lawyers have responded to TWiT’s claim of trademark infringement and breach of contract, and while I’m not a lawyer it seems that the gist of their response was “what crappy law school did you graduate from because you dumbfucks don’t know shit about trademark law and contracts”.

Karin P. Beam, TWiT lawyer (black and white photo only because color would have cost her extra)

It should surprise no one that Leo Laporte allegedly sought out the most incompetent but cost-effective lawyer in Sonoma County to argue this case. We’re trying to find out how this relationship began — but we strongly believe some sort of “discount” was involved.

The PDF summary of the Motion To Dismiss is embedded below should you want to read what a “evidence-based” legal argument consists of.

What is clearly apparent is that this law firm did their fucking research. “They are even better at digging up past stuff than we are” remarked TotalDrama’s editor-in-chief during our 5-hour production meeting. Honestly we haven’t seen this much research and attention to detail since TotalDrama published the story of Leo showing his dick on the livestream.

Law offices of Durie Tangri, San Francisco, CA

We would like to acknowledge and salute the dozens of interns who were forced to consume every disgusting morsel of Leo Laporte’s horrid history, in order to gather enough evidence to bring down the greedy son of a bitch and defend this ridiculous legal claim. We have included a fictional re-enactment above. Thank you for your service.

Also thank you to the anonymous chatter in our chat room for providing the inspiration for this article. If you have any ideas for an article we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.

TWiT vs. Twitter: Discovery Phase

For better quality watch the video fullscreen.

When news broke that Leo Laporte was suing Twitter for breach of contract and trademark infringement, we all checked our calendars to make sure it wasn’t April 1st.

Doug Llewelyn, Jr. – San Francisco court reporter

When it became obvious that it was still mid-January, TotalDrama immediately sent our intrepid court reporter to San Francisco to monitor what would most likely be the trademark infringement case of the century.

TWiT vs. Twitter has just entered the discovery phase of the trial, and we are now getting access to some of the documents being entered into evidence. Judge Jacqueline Scott Corley (who we believe drew the shortest straw in the office) asked both sides to submit a video sample of some of the content which exemplifies their core business.

TWiT has requested a jury trial so we believe these videos will help “educate” the jurors or at least clear up the confusion that these companies are in fact not the same legal entity. Yeah

Editor’s Note: The above video is a dramatization and not real trial evidence. TotalDrama will continue to follow the trial closely and will provide material updates as they become available.

TWiT Years a Slave

TWiT LLC is truly a reprehensible company with a marked history of firing honest and hard-working employees and/or treating them like shit. Recently, Leo Laporte was heard explaining why keeping employee numbers low is a great thing. Breaking news… it’s not because he’s an altruistic employer.

Under federal law, an employer is not allowed to discriminate or make employment decisions based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age or genetic information. However, most of these protections fall by the wayside once the number of employees falls below 20, or if any of those workers are independent contractors.

File Photo: Shannon Morse’s impressive “body of work”

If you are employed a independent contractor (also referred to as a 1099 employee, aka NET-60 employee) you literally have no workplace rights, you’re not entitled to any benefits and generally cannot sue for workplace discrimination or harassment. An independent contractor is simply someone who contracts their services to more than one company and is not under the complete control of one company. This is why Shannon Morse (aka Snubs, aka snubs.zip) would have no legal basis for filing a lawsuit because her body of work appears on more than one website.

So it would appear that TWiT’s modus operandi has been, all along, to bring in as many independent contractors as possible to avoid much of the liabilities and responsibilities that come with traditional employees, while keeping the number of 9 to 5 employees as low as possible to lessen worker rights.

Many people would argue that Leo Laporte, Lisa Laporte and TWiT aren’t doing anything wrong and that they are simply complying with the employment laws as defined. Sure, that is one point of view, if you’re a fucking sadist. But we all know that nothing in the law prevents employers from offering benefits to employees in companies with less than 20 people or taking the moral high ground that harassment of any kind should never be tolerated. If it was up to Leo Laporte, he would literally bring back slavery, and every new employee would have to qualify by first getting on their hands and knees. Harvey Weinstein would be fucking proud.

Library of Congress File Photo: Slavery (2017)

Hurricane Lisa will not stop until TWiT is destroyed

In a move that would make Hurricane Maria envious, TWiT’s much-maligned CEO Lisa Laporte continues her reign of destruction on what remains of the failing TWiT Network.

In the latest Inside TWiT blog post, Lisa Laporte outlined the upcoming fall changes (i.e. cancellations) that were necessary to “bring more context and perspective” to the TWiT network.

The informative yet sponsor-challenged Home Theater Geeks has finally been 86’d from the menu, but thankfully Scott Wilkinson will continue to grace us on The Tech Guy radio show, while also remaining Leo Laporte’s personal audio/video calibrator for the rest of his natural life. The LG TV tagline “Life’s Good” is extremely appropriate here, unless you’re totally trapped right now like Scott Wilkinson.

Secondly, the hilariously insightful daily tech news show Tech News Today is being downsized to a weekly show, leaving its final viewers concerned how they are going to last 6 days without their daily dose of tech news.

But as a goodwill gesture, those who subscribed to Tech News Today will automatically be subscribed to its weekly replacement (yay?) We haven’t seen this level of generosity since U2 gifted their fucking terrible album to all iTunes users and that didn’t end well.

Last, but not least, the highly unpredictable Know How has been exorsized of half its shows. The twice-a-week show — which Father Robert Ballecer simply uses as a pulpit for self-praise and native ads — will now be seen only once per week. We reached out to Fr. Robert for comment and his exact words were “I TOTALLY understand that it’s painful… but this is healthy”. [ #twitlive chat – Oct. 1/17 17:52 PDT ] We firmly believe this isn’t the first time he’s used that line on somebody.

In summary, Abraham Lincoln might have freed the slaves, but Lisa Laporte did one better by liberating Mondays from the TWiT schedule. While canceling shows does marginally impact the bottom line, we don’t think this is enough to stay profitable, which is why we suspect another round of firings is just around the corner. Please tell us who you think will be fired next, and why. If you’re a TWiT employee now’s your chance to throw your co-worker under the bus.

Editor’s Note: Thank you to the anonymous chatter in our chat room for providing the content for this story. If you have breaking news please feel free to submit a tip, or if you’re tired of rotting away in your Mom’s basement please send us your resume.

Leo Laporte is a Braggadocious Asshole

William Shakespeare said it best when he quipped “Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.”

Leo Laporte shown here at his emotional age

We don’t believe Leo Laporte ever got the memo because his fat mouth spews more braggadocios garbage than any reasonable person can handle.

If you’ve watched any Leo Laporte show in 2017 chances are you’ve heard him bragging endlessly about some stupid cell phone, computer or vacation he took or is about to take.

All we know for sure is that Leo Laporte uses these vacations and materialistic possessions to define his success. Maintaining the illusion of success is paramount even if that means firing employees to free up money.

But clearly TWiT isn’t a success in any sense of the word. It’s been a complete personal failure, financial failure, cultural tolerance failure, and the company doesn’t have the ability to hire and retain talent ( . )( . )

You don’t have to look far and wide to uncover the undeniable proof that Leo Laporte and TWiT have become a complete laughing stock and they are living on borrowed time. We look forward to watching this oversized asshole completely disappear like an loose turd circling the toilet bowl. Bon Voyage asshole.