The End is Nigh for Father Robert Ballecer

If I asked you to describe the qualities of a priest most of you would say that person is kind, peaceful, understanding and an eloquent speaker of the teachings of Christ. It is also a man who is devoted to serving the Lord, and will tirelessly sacrifice himself for the sick and the poor.

Fr. Robert Ballecer (Andy Warhol-commissioned painting, circa 1987)

Of course that would be your impression until you met Father Robert Ballecer. This man can only be described as the Bizarro Superman of the ecclesiastical world. To use a food analogy (and you know it fits here) it’s what you get when you add 1 cup of corruption, 2 cups of perverted fetishes, 3 cups of dishonesty, one teaspoon of cumin and then bake at 325 degrees until it fattens up like a Butterball® turkey (absolutely no disrespect to Butterball® turkeys, those turkeys are amazing).

The man is even a joke in his own circles. On the website, he received nothing but a scoffed mention in the official newsletter as “the priest seen cavorting around Las Vegas again under the auspices of a ‘technology convention’”. Even fellow Jesuits see him as a clown.

On the website, you can read him defending a lavish lifestyle of going on vacations and “eating” at good restaurants on the church’s dime because it serves his “emotional needs”. I haven’t read the entire bible yet but I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t ask the Romans to stop nailing him to the fucking cross so he could have a sandwich.

Therefore it came as no surprise to this TotalDrama writer when Fr. Robert Ballecer began complaining like a petulant child about not getting his first choice of “studio” space when he moves to Rome in mid-June. That’s right… he plans to continue the act. His first choice of studio is apparently unusable because there is an ambulance station directly outside. The only other location is some moldy (possibly unhealthy) underground room not used for centuries. For a man who is extremely obese I find it ironic that he is now expressing a concern for his health. Fuck you fake priest, you’re Rome’s problem now.

Thank you to the chatters in our chat room for providing much of the source materials used in this article. If you have any ideas for an article we encourage you to leave an anonymous comment below or submit a tip.  Also a big thank you to the tireless editors, reporters and administrative staff who sacrifice their sanity every day so this trainwreck is completely documented.

26 thoughts on “The End is Nigh for Father Robert Ballecer”

    1. Abby Laporte:
      What does he actually do in the Catholic Church? He must have some sort of job?

      He’s the choir boy herder for the priesthood… he goes out to catch them as he signs “gotta catch them all”.

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  1. Thank you for this article King Leo Laporte. This is one of my favorites in the entire archive on totaldrama. Though that probably speaks more to my hatred of fat mexican clown priests than it does to your writing style.

    Again, thanks for the post. I don’t come around often anymore. Glad to see the truth can still be found here.

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  2. I cannot believe that this fat tub of whale shit is going to give up his lavish lifestyle on the west coast of the USA to go live in Rome and broadcast out of a roach infested den.

    I bet he goes over for 6-12 months and is back by next summer.

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    1. Unfortunately I agree he will most likely be back in 6 months. He basically hinted at this later in the video (the clip didn’t make the final edit). He said “if you’re too idealistic you will not do well in the Vatican… to work there and get into the inner sanctum-type stuff, it’s a really good way for you to be broken”. He was basically laying down the reasons why he won’t be staying. He’s never been a real priest or wanted to commit to the real work this entails. He just wants to blink fucking LEDs on a pair of goggles and pretend he’s a real priest at the same time.

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  3. This priest is deluded. The link to his 2008 comment is superb.

    Jesuits are all about poverty, celibacy and forgoing the pleasures of this world. When this priest says “Do some Jesuits enjoy vacations and a good restaurant? Yes… and I don’t see that as a bad thing.”
    He is spitting on his faith and his elders.

    When he says “two weeks with friends and a good meal once in a while is a small price to pay for emotional stability and social flexibility…” he is just being a glutton, this pathetic reasoning could have been used 200 years ago.

    Here is how the glutton rationalizes his love for travel. “As for the “expensive tendency” to send young scholastics out of the country. Believe it or not, but it is far less expensive to send a Jesuit out of the US than…”

    And the kicker is his love of expensive gadgets, “I’ve also participated in a ministry of technology that has quite possibly outpaced my traditional priestly ministry in terms of spiritual conversations, converts to Catholicism…”

    In conclusion this man should not be a priest. He believes what he believes and wants the church to conform to him. This is why he is forever troubled reconciling his liberal California sensibilities, that he absorbed from his surroundings, with his catholic faith.

    He wants to eat, travel and work for Leo. Give up the priesthood instead of trying to change it. He has converted no one and never mentions god. However, since he is one step away from saying that tons of sex is good for easing stress and thus helps Jesuits devotion to god maybe he will get some converts. The ego of this glutton to think he is wiser than all those before him…

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      1. I remember him stating during one of his shows that every time he walks past the elder priests in the pedotory or whatever they call a priest home roll their eyes and treat him with contempt because he has all these technological gadgets.

        I think they were looking at him in disgust because he disgusts them, he disgusts most people that come into contact with him. I suppose that’s why he gets on so well with Leo Laporte, they both have the same effect on people they come into contact with…

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    1. I attended a Jesuit Catholic high school…we had more than a few novices and priests who enjoyed the secular life. And you know what? They all gave up the priesthood eventually, as they should have. Father Blob is a disgrace.

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  4. I just heard on the latest SN that father rather knows everything about hospital automation, because “he worked with a couple of their hospitals”. In a split second he created a lie to validate his bullshit commentary.

    Everytime I listen to SN he lies.

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  5. The fat priest is surely living up to being a priest, you guys just haven’t read the bible .

    Isaiah 61:6
    But you will be called the priests of the LORD; You will be spoken of as ministers of our God. You will eat the wealth of nations, And in their riches you will boast.

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