All posts by Effen Dumb

Jeff Jarvis, Google Shill

SHILL

  1. A person who poses as a customer in order to decoy others into participating
  2. person who publicizes or praises something or someone for reasons of self-interest, personal profit, or friendship or loyalty.
  3. verb. To work as a shill: He shills for a large casino.
  4. To advertise or promote (a product) as or in the manner of a huckster; hustle
“I spoke at a Google Big Tent event in Berlin (Google paid my travel expenses; I do not accept other payment from Google)” —Jeff Jarvis
Jeff Jarvis Google Shill
Jeff Jarvis Google Shill

Accept? Why would Google offer to pay you? “Other” payment, because international airline fares are, in fact,  considered a form of payment. Jeff Jarvis, according to Jeff Jarvis, gets his travel paid for to conferences in major cities all over the globe by Google, Inc. He laughs this declaration off every time he is cornered into disclosing this truth. He regards it as an irrelevant fact. He is mistakenly caught up in the need to mention this detail as if he were one of the people who could be corrupted.  The disclosure section of his blog has barely been updated since July 2005.

So let’s get back to these trips. How does this scam work? Google pays his airfare and then he pays his own lodging and expenses? I First Classthink not. More likely the managers of these events, which are sponsored by Google, put the speaker, Jarvis, up at hotels. A Per Diem would certainly not be out of the question. Parties in Paris with the elite are almost a certainty. Sipping champagne with Sophia Loren is but a small perk. You think his university pays? Then why don’t they pay the airfare?
.

What about his jobs?
Host of “This Week in Google.”
Author of “What Would Google Do?”
Author of “Public Parts: How Sharing….Improves…..and Live.”
Director-Tow-Knight Center for Entrepreneurial Journalism at CUNY
Lecturer on all topics related to his books.

jarvis-purple
A Purple Jarvis on the shitty show TWiG

His entire livelihood is tied up in this company and we are supposed to believe this doesn’t affect his opinions? Does it matter that the money for the PR stints comes from an intermediary and not directly from his friends Sergey and Larry? It is human nature to love that which feeds and sustains us. He may not even realize it, the man is of average intelligence. He just lives in NY and somehow got a professorship.

Howard Stern fans, who don’t particularly know what Google is, berate him as a Google Shill after his appearances on that program. The comments on Jarvis’ blog are filled with accusations of impropriety, although he chuckles them all away. His Twitter stream is inundated with cries of “shill” every time he opens his mouth. He often dismisses these accusations preemptively. He generally has the sense to know he is a shill so he will ask fans not to send him letters calling him a shill, he makes this plea under the illusion that he is speaking to the Google-hating fringe.

Every article he writes is on the side of Google. Every product he uses is from Google. Every thing he talks about is related to Google. If Google is caught red-handed doing wrong, he speaks in baby talk and says things like ‘google woogle did boo boo.’  This is a professor of journalism? TWiT.tv is where journalism goes to die. The saddest part is everyone, including Jeff,  in the inner circle on the lecture circuit understands the game. He sold his soul for pocketful of gold, he fits right in at TWiT.
#TotalDrama contributor Richard Yes—Full Disclosure: 
I hate Google and Facebook, I think Jarvis is a shill. I own many Apple and MSFT products but I use Gmail, Google Search and YouTube and other aspects of the internet that Google has monopolized. I think Sarah Lane is pretty.

Lights Curiously Out on One Particular Dropcam

A joint reporting effort by the team at #TotalDrama has finally concluded and the results are scathing, as one member put it, “They are more gross than juicy.” Questions arose when the once transparent TWiT HQ turned off the Dropcam,  the 24/7 all seeing eye in the sky, in founder and former CEO Leo Laporte’s office.

Lower Right Camera is Laporte's Office
Lower Right Camera was Laporte’s Office, Photo Courtesy of Lkalif Studios

He never showed any aversion to disgusting fans with his exhibitionist antics before and soon the questions mounted. He was often seen shoveling monumental amounts of food into his face and bouncing around as the bodily waste left his body in a gaseous state. So what triggered the literal flipping of the switch? Why the sudden departure from open to closed shades?

An unnamed source with both close ties to TWiT and its founder (although he claims no ties to the CEO) appears to have the answer. WARNING: If you’re under 18, stop reading now.  The eyewitness claims to have seen Laporte fondling his genitals on multiple occasions on the Dropcam. Leo was acting licentiously during a meeting with Sarah “The Angel” Lane and during an interview with prospective hire Jill Duffy. The condition common in preschoolers is notoriously hard to explain. Most outgrow the condition; some never do.

Apparently Leo’s manhood remained blessedly under wraps but his diddling did not stop. We at #TotalDrama are not claiming to be saints and Lord knows that we have all seen Sarah Lane walking back and forth on Dropcam, so we know the temptation all too well. But please, for the love of God Leo, have some decency. Wait until she leaves the room.

Follow Up Reporting

Unlike at TNT, we at #totaldrama excel in following up on stories. As an ace reporter for #totaldrama I can tell you that uncovering this next gCard._Jorge_Bergoglio_SJ,_2008em was worth the effort. Some time ago my esteemed colleague HelloWorld reported here that Fr. Robert Ballecer may absolve himself from his service to  Leo Laporte for a more fulfilling role serving  Pope Jorge Mario Bergoglio .

After much digging we found this is not the first time a phony baloney My Little Pony story came to the TWiT airwaves. After TWiT hemorrhaged talent in early 2014 a story was concocted that Pope Francis tapped Ballecer’s shoulder to get in the big game. According to TWiT founder Leo Laporte “he decided to turn down” that opportunity and remain at the SHiThouse. A story meant to assuage the fears of TWiT fans worldwide after the parade of exiting talent. The following tweets were Ballecer’s cryptic way of saying something without saying  anything, a technique mastered by Laporte himself.

The first tweet spoke about the offer:

The secmidishi_and_miashi_in_a_seesaw_by_shamashin-d5onozfond spoke on the dilemma of who to serve; Jesus Christ’s human representative on Earth at the city-state established by Pope Pius XI and  King Victor Emmanuel III of Italy in 1929. Home to such works of art as Michelangelo’s frescos Sistinehallon the Sistine Chapel ceiling.  Or Leo Laporte, an ego-maniacal, blowhard who waddles around the chicken capital of the world in a warehouse littered with malfunctioning PET computers and discarded soup containers.

Never has a #scoop been of more woe that of Ballecer and his boss Leo.

Either it’s a total lie made up to dupe fans or he actually turned the Pope down to work at TWiT. Pick your poison.

Total Drama Signs Deal with Cartoon Network

OMG, We don’t have a CEO and all the money is already rolling in. According to an unnamed reporter, reporting on a report by another reporter about a report, the cartoon network is in production to turn this brand new website into a full featured cartoon.Total-Drama-All-Stars-total

Uh oh, it looks like it is geared to kids, better keep you know who away, he has trouble staying family friendly. ; ]

Details to follow.

Sick of the Ugly Dog

No, this is not a post about any particular executive at TWiT. This is an analysis of the abomination of evolution known as Ozzie the ugliest and most putrid pooch ever.

The head in on the right?
The head is on the right?

In a new way to embarrass, humiliate and dehumanize the staff, all employees of TWiT are responsible to care for the aforementioned misanthropic varmint. Oftentimes you will  accost the staff in the streets of Petaluma, both feeding and chaperoning this wretched creature.  To deepen the shame, staff is asked to return the discarded canine feces in a plastic container as a testament that he did his business faster* than chief TWiT before This Week in Tech.  In one of the great examples of Stockholm syndrome to date, the staff actually fight over this task. Where does it end, Asking to wash #soupguzzler’s underwear?

The humiliation of TWiT staff needs to stop. JammerB is sixty years old and one of the highest trained personnel. Can he please be relieved of making coffee for #soup and plugging in the host’s laptops for them? Every human being deserves a small amount of dignity.

*Previously reported here.

* *Edit Update* An unnamed Expert agreed that “making humans care for another human’s dog’s feces is an excellent tactic to transform the victim into exhibiting total submissive behavior.”

Analyzing TWiT Lgum Style

Lgum Style Analysis

I have looked at the TWiT hosts and noticed a striking difference between TWiT hosts and the hosts of Fox news. Now, we are not saying they should hire models, but we do ask that they have some pride in their appearance. Go on a diet, work out, you’re on my TV,  you work in media, be presentable. You don’t need a flat stomach like Sarah, but please, show some restraint when they serve dessert.

See the evidence for yourself and decide..

TWiT Hosts

Leo

Ech
Ech

FoX News

blond_women_of_fox

This is scientific unbiased research, draw your own conclusions.

Thank god for Sarah Lane.

Always be Reporting

I am away for the weekend, hence my lack of activity. However, I will not let #drama down. I have conducted an official survey on the entity known as Gumbot and am about to publish my results.
So here they are:

Since Jan 1:

Total Sick days: 0
Total vacation days:0
Total personal days:0
Total speaking flubs: 782 (shitrix counts twice)

As a scientist I do not offer anything but data and will not, I repeat will not, make any conclusions based on said data.mike-elgan

Gumbot fans rejoice:

mike-elgan

Many of the kids out there are dreaming of one day becoming a Gumbot. But..it’s hard to know where to start. We at #TotalDrama care about the kids so we put this guide together:

  • Always speak in one tone and never show any inflection in your voice
  • Make jokes nobody gets, are not funny and make no sense to anyone but Joe Panetierri
  • Always wear black high crew neck undershirts. If they come in style just switch to white or try a V-neck
  • Pre Show interaction with fans should consist of saying “Whaddup chickenhead”
  • Post Show interaction with fans should last for no more than 20 seconds after picking a title
  • Segue into every ad read with:  ……In a sec …..but first
  • Never say ‘a lot’ or ‘many’ you will say bazilion or gazillion
  • Never say ‘funny’ you will say ‘hilarious,’
  • Start every new thought with; “well”
  • Use only the following six adjectives: Astonishing, Awesome, Important, Creepy, Scary and Cool, If you need more you can amend like so:
    1.Really (ie) Awesome
    2.Really really (ie) Awesome
    3.Super (ie) Awesome
  • Call people by their first and last name; Good morning Jason Howell. What do you think Don Reisinger?
  • Go on for 5 to 10 minutes with any thought and allow guests to do likewise, babel away, do not get to the point
  • The proper amount of time to spend on a dumb theory of yours is 20 minutes per half hour
  • The show length is irrelevant. Listeners will adjust their commutes, you’re an important news man.
  • Any press release from Google Inc. related to G+ or Google Glass, is a lead story
  • App updates in IOS are a #scoup
  • Ask bloggers how to run major corporations and countries regardless of their education or intelligence
  • Disparage Supreme Court Justices, CEOs and heads of state as “not knowing what they are doing”
  • Drum dat table