Tag Archives: gumbot

Leo Laporte Searches “Mike Elgan” and Receives Mostly Total Drama Results

Update: They hilariously blurred out the visible Total Drama thumbnail in the posted episode.
Mike Elgan on Qwant
Mike Elgan on Qwant

The DJ masquerading as a tech personality, known as Leo Laporte, searched for “Mike Elgan” on some dumb French search engine on This Week in Google to try out its capabilities. He then clicked on the videos tab and was greeted with solely Total Drama content.

Elgan was on the show, gripping a microphone and holding it close to his face like a phallus, espousing his love of Cuba.

We suspect it will be edited out of the show, as they normally do when censoring the shows, but we will update the post if it’s left in. They did censor it, as linked in the update at the top of the article.

Leo Laporte Trash-Talks @LeoLaporteSucks and Mike Elgan Wishes Someone Cared About Him

Yesterday, #Soup happened upon “LeoLaporteSucks”, either through his web site or his new twitter. Leo tried to act like LeoLaporteSucks has lost his edge, but we support LLS wholeheartedly.

Poor Gum wished for a @MikeElganSucks, so Total Drama has reserved the name for future use. Right now, nobody cares about Mike Elgan (and he doesn’t control the chat nazis that LeoLaporteSucks covers in his tweets, unlike Leo Laporte).

Thanks to an anon in the chat room for the video. Keep those submissions rolling in via the “Feedback & Tips” link on the right.

Tech News Today Gains 30 Additional Minutes Daily

How the heck are ya, First Name Last Name? We’ve got a, um, super article for you to ruh-read today. It’s just super. Really, really uhhhh easy. In just a sec, we’ve got some news from Randal Schwartz, host of the show that time (and Leo Laporte) forgot, FLOSS Weekly, but first, check this shit out.

Village Idiot
Village Idiot
Starting around Jun 10, 2015, TNT will begin at 9:30AM Pacific and will last 90 minutes. This, of course, is in addition to the late time the show starts every single day due to Mike Elgan’s incompetence and EffenDumb’s nervous laughter and poor TD skills.

You might be asking yourself, why the heck would you add 30 minutes to such a daily shitshow that has actually gotten worse over time (even since Gum took over) and is a self-parody? Well, the editorial board has discussed possible reasons, and our only conclusion is that it must be #Soup/CeHO’s recognition that TNT is one of the only shows that is keeping subscriptions up. With CPMs falling, that extra 30 minutes affords them at least one more ad! Cha-ching! Keep up the great work Lisa!

Offer code TWiT
Offer code TWiT. Photo Credit
Today, April 29, 2015, Gum did a 3 minute ad, a 3 minute story, and then another 3 minute ad. They really aren’t even trying anymore. What is hilarious is that it was so obvious and embarrassing that the editors cut the Braintree add out and spliced it in at 3:15 of today’s Tech News Today.

Straight From the Horse’s Mouth (Oops)


TNT Stitcher Ratings Collapse

Elgum Does it Again
Elgum Does it Again, click image to see scope of loss.

The heralded gains in Stitcher ratings have proven short-lived. “Tech News Today” has been spewing countless plugs for people to double subscribe via the Breaking News Maven: Mike Elgum. However, the pitiful begging seems to have resulted in  the exact opposite effect. The intended spike has turned into a never-before-seen drop as the

Will a triangle desk help ratings?
Will a triangle desk help ratings?

ratings on Stitcher have plummeted to record lows. Not to worry TNT fans, they can always redo the desk or change Gum’s face from orange to lavender.

There’s Just No Getting Around Apple Buying Pizza Hut

Apple should buy Pizza Hut.

This is neither a new idea, nor one acceptable to the Apple fan base. But, it’s become an increasingly good idea — maybe a necessary one for Apple’s continued growth and success — and I’m going to tell you why.

Apple Has Nothing to Eat.

When Google announced Android Wear, they did so in a beautiful amphitheater at the Google Complex on full tummies. The Google+ announcement happened in the very same place where the company can and will start to build a community with no hunger pains.

Taste better with an iPhone6

When Facebook announced the acquisition of Ocular VR, they announced it in a “OK” room after a delicious pasta meal, of course. And, naturally,   fans will enjoy Oculus with stuffed faces everywhere.

When Apple wanted to create community around its iPhone 5c product line, it did so with empty bellies in a generic mundane room with a boring stage. Apple restaurants are where Apple and iPhone fans gather to exchange stories, information and ideas around their iPhone 5c fandom — post pictures, recommend apps and get to know each other over their shared passion.
Just kidding. Apple doesn’t have a restaurant.

No Place For Meetings

The human race has become consumed in recent years by the need to have meetings. Talk about this, talk about that, talk about anything but always having meetings
With the worlds top-selling handset, Apple is poised to be the best overall platform to have meetings around, and guess what, there is no place to charge your phone if you even remember the charger.

But no.
What do people do? They go to KFC or Dominoes. Both these places ruin meetings with shitty decor, overly smelly food and gas inducing ingredients. They don’t even have specialized chargers on the tables that fit the iPhone and iPad or even the Mac computer.

All Apple’s efforts in creating a high quality meetings are rendered useless. If only there was a restaurant where both professional and knowledgeable and enthusiastic amateur people already gather and that already has millions of patrons — that would be a great place for Apple. Oh, wait. There is such a place: Wendy’s , which is owned by Wendy’s International.

Of course, Apple is relatively cautious about acquisitions, and tends to do so only when necessary. There are certain kinds of initiatives that just take too long or require expertise not easily hired. One of the things that takes a long time is building up patrons to go to restaurants. It took McDonalds twenty years, to gain the customers they have.

If Apple is to have a significant food establishment, they can’t start from scratch at this point. It’s too late for that.

Apple Hut?

Bottom line: Apple needs meeting places. And Apples customers need food and Pizza Hut has both. In fact, the only company that comes close to Dominos Pizza in the number of tongues attracted each month is Papa Johns, which until this week was the number-one attractor. That’s vague, so let’s get specific. Papa Johns attracted 187 million unique visitors last month. Domino’s got 183 million. Apple stores brought in nearly 64 million — significantly fewer people than all the other restaurants.

But, wow, what could Apple accomplish with more foot traffic?
It’s also worth pointing out that Apple is great at getting people shopping for Apple products in stores but they are laggard in print advertising. Which is great, if your customers are illiterate, which hardly anyone really is. What people really want is better food, a place to meet, a charging station at their table, as well as a tiny number of ads that hawk exactly the products and services we really want. All those desires can be satisfied only with advertisements on the menus for phones and computers in a fancy Pizza Hut.

Menus are old technology you say? It is all going to be done on apps these days? Heck, look at Starbucks, they are a technology company more than a coffee company. Well if mobile is the future of ordering pizza, what company  would be better for Pizza Hut to be acquired by, than Apple?

Why Buy Pizza Hut?

Acquiring Pizza Hut would bring Apple amazing attention and traffic, Apple could control, high-quality destinations for the high-quality eating elite that Apple’s high-quality products enable people to generate, and the ability to make more money from selling high-quality pizza. Where would you get your pizza if you had to choose between Dominoes with no Apple chargers at the table or Pizza Hut with chargers? Seems obvious, does it not?

I think there’s no getting around the fact that acquiring Pizza Hut would fill in all of Apple’s gaps and place the company in a position to more easily continue the growth trajectory it’s enjoyed over the past five years.

Because at some point, Apple is going to run out of people willing to buy Apple’s high-margin phones, tablets, laptops and computers. And the best way forward for Apple as a business is to own more of the places where people use their products — and in doing so, dramatically improve the eating experience.

But here’s the shocking thing, if you think about it. Buying Pizza Hut sounds at first like it would make Apple less like Apple. But in fact, it would make Apple more like Apple.

Looks a lot like an Apple store already
Looks a lot like an Apple store already

Apple’s core attributes are:

  • Emphasize great user experience above all
  • Assure great user experience by controlling as much of the stuff people do on Apple products as possible
  • Drive growth by monetizing as many aspects of the user experience as possible.

Apple with Pizza Hut would serve these core attributes far more than Apple without Pizza Hut. There is simply no getting around the clear benefits of Apple buying Pizza Hut.

Inspired by a brilliant Elgum piece

Delving Inside the Mind of a Madman

At first glance, the latest video of Captain Juno seems like a quick little recap of an uneventful episode of Inside TWiT. This could not be farther from the truth, it is a deep dive into how the mind of an unparalleled liar ticks.

This performance seemed truthful and full of unassailable facts. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you don’t know this fat man very well at all.

This man, like most humans is innately aware, since childhood, that telling lies is wrong. The mouth may lie but the body generally won’t and the mind will limit what it allows the mouth to do. Poker players are adept at reading body language for lies and it’s why Freudian slips occur. The first thing to note about this particular specimen is that he has two distinct types of lies, lies about the future and lies about the past.

Lies in Future Tense

These lies are easy to justify and are often classified as “promises.” This version has born such gems as, “if there’s a story in Thailand, he [Elgum] is gonna be in Thailand,” “we will fly all our hosts, who want to be here,  in for the New Years Eve Party and put them up,” “we definitely plan to do a show for cordcutters,” and all the tales of new shows and field reporting etc. The liar just needs to want to do these things and it is not a lie, because in his mind he does intend to do these things and the future is not certain. The mind will inject the word “want” in the statement on many occasions, even to the detriment of the liar’s intent to trick the listener.

Lies in Past Tense

These lies are harder to justify to the mind because, unlike the future, the past is  a certainty. To lie about past events, he uses three tricks; vagueness, liberal use of adjectives and exaggeration. Vague statements are where he excels. So when he fired Erik for an innocuous nothing he simply needed to say “he went off,” and “I can’t trust someone like that on the air.” These are subjective unquantifiable phrases and not lies. When he fired Tom, he said over and over “I couldn’t afford him.” How do you define this? If Tom asked for $15,000 a year (poverty level in the USA) in total, he could say that phrase and noimagest technically be lying. But what did the fan think when he heard the #soupguzzler say that? Probably that Tom asked for a huge raise. Liberal use of adjectives is common in TV land. “That show is a hit,” “he is knocking it out of the park” etc. In a court of law he would withstand any and all  perjury charges no matter how black his heart is. Adjectives, gotta love ’em. His notorious and classic lie, is really just an exaggeration to the tenth power. “Kevin Spacey is a great great friend and we have interviewed him many many times.” In actuality, Amber MacArthur has interviewed him and Spacey’s partner, Dana Brunetti, knows who Leo is and has appeared on Tom Merritt’s shows.. This masterpiece encompassed all three tricks.

August 20th, 2014

Here we have:

  • “The numbers are back up”
  • “Some shows do ninety thousand downloads”
  • “It’s doing quite well”
  • “Some shows are up 50%”
  • “There was originally a 25% dropoff but now it is back up”

To the studious ones we already see what he did. You can’t define “back up” or “quite well” and some of our shows do 90K downloads means one show did 90K, possibly the WWDC episode. But the last statement threw me for a loop. It genuinely seemed legitimate. The hand motion suggested he even had a chart of downloads. Now I am aware that about a month and a half prior he said [in chat] they were down 20% and are back up, but when I say legitimate for this man I judge with a different scale. A 5% (20% <-> 25%) discrepancy from now to then is trivial. Regardless, he seemed to like this particular statement.

I couldn’t sleep after this so I purchased a book on statistics.
liestatsFirstly, if the numbers were down 25% and subsequently they are up 50% that means an increase of ~25%?
No fucking way, these numbers do not not not jive. Not even with what was said in this same session that download numbers are back where they were.

Secondly, my hypothesis requires you to imagine two graphs. Both graphs fluctuate. The graph of current (Lgum) TNT downloads flutter from 30K-50K and the graph of downloads from the former (Merritt) TNT do the same but from 40K-80K. Well, in the mind of the deluded former mediocre star of cable TV, the 50K from 30K-50K is about the same as the 50K in 40K-80K. So the downloads are equal.

He consciously will not use words that denote precision such as (*math note* ‘average’ is actually a finite number) the “average” downloads, rather he adores dishing out numbers for “some” shows. I also noted that in his hand depiction (gesticulation) of the graph, his brain did not permit his hand drawn line to make it back up to where it started in the graph.
After thinking through this and re-watching the video over and over, it clicked and I fell into a deep peaceful sleep.

It is also good to know that when the brain tries to recall a fact, the eyeballs often drift to the upper left as you access the side of your brain where memory is located. When you think of a lie, your eyeballs drift right as you think creatively.  The lovely and talented Sarah Lane does an exaggerated look up to the sky when she recalls things on camera, for effect and it is kind of cute. Try looking up right and up left as you think for yourself, you can actually feel your brain differently.  *Note* The CEO is a sociopath, so this does not apply to her. She can look you in the eye and tell you the sky is as orange as our favorite TNT host.

Learn the game people, learn the game.

Gumbot fans rejoice:


Many of the kids out there are dreaming of one day becoming a Gumbot. But..it’s hard to know where to start. We at #TotalDrama care about the kids so we put this guide together:

  • Always speak in one tone and never show any inflection in your voice
  • Make jokes nobody gets, are not funny and make no sense to anyone but Joe Panetierri
  • Always wear black high crew neck undershirts. If they come in style just switch to white or try a V-neck
  • Pre Show interaction with fans should consist of saying “Whaddup chickenhead”
  • Post Show interaction with fans should last for no more than 20 seconds after picking a title
  • Segue into every ad read with:  ……In a sec …..but first
  • Never say ‘a lot’ or ‘many’ you will say bazilion or gazillion
  • Never say ‘funny’ you will say ‘hilarious,’
  • Start every new thought with; “well”
  • Use only the following six adjectives: Astonishing, Awesome, Important, Creepy, Scary and Cool, If you need more you can amend like so:
    1.Really (ie) Awesome
    2.Really really (ie) Awesome
    3.Super (ie) Awesome
  • Call people by their first and last name; Good morning Jason Howell. What do you think Don Reisinger?
  • Go on for 5 to 10 minutes with any thought and allow guests to do likewise, babel away, do not get to the point
  • The proper amount of time to spend on a dumb theory of yours is 20 minutes per half hour
  • The show length is irrelevant. Listeners will adjust their commutes, you’re an important news man.
  • Any press release from Google Inc. related to G+ or Google Glass, is a lead story
  • App updates in IOS are a #scoup
  • Ask bloggers how to run major corporations and countries regardless of their education or intelligence
  • Disparage Supreme Court Justices, CEOs and heads of state as “not knowing what they are doing”
  • Drum dat table