TWiT is bad at doing live events, conference coverage and Padre is no exception to this. FMCP was sent by CeHo to some random event to do a wonderful job of covering it, as part of her continuous desperate attempts to shill sponsors for more money. Guess what? He failed, using his 1920’s radio announcer voice, he stood in the middle of show floor mumbling nonsense for 10 minutes on twit’s live stream. We will spare you with showing entire footage, instead we will share Leo’s thoughts on this matter.
As you can imagine, Leo wasn’t thrilled with the dressed clown job. He showed his continued distaste for Padre and complained to CeHo that he needs more control over planning and doing live coverage. Knowing TWiT’s past history, we can only hope that Padre soon will be an off-site producer.
Portly tech fuck Leo Laporte talks about what at first we think is three separate people, but in fact is actually just one person: Lisa Kentzell…Laporte’s girlfriend, CEHO and fiancée. She’s also the gold-digging sex fiend who will bankrupt him, and later survive him after his obesity-driven early demise. Paul Thurrott wouldn’t stop yapping so you have to listen carefully as Laporte regales the audience with how “strong” Lisa is, and how “tough” she is.
The failing sales team is directly under CEo, a woman with no sales experience who insists on selling her boyfriends shows first because then they can screw over hosts when it’s time to negotiate salaries. And #soupguzzler can continue his fantasy that he is 90% of revenue.
A huge failing of the dysfunctional management team is that they are morons. Specifically they are completely unaware that the reason the big shows at twit grow numbers is precisely because the smaller shows have loyal audiences and likewise bring in new listeners. Amber had an audience, Tom and his guests such as, Scott Johnson and Veronica Belmont had huge audiences. But the egomaniac gives out no credit, it’s all him. (My first twit show was iPad today) When someone discovers a TWiT show they generally explore more shows. This is known as The Network Effect.
A long-held thesis of #TotalDrama states that the quality of content at TWiT in general is sinking faster than TNT’s ratings. A new story has just emerged that gives credence to this very thesis. A stunning rise in the number of ads on the network has miraculously taken hold of TWiT. It is apparent on all shows—from the merely unwatchable to the fantastically brain-wrenching. Did the sales team do a good job? Has the content improved? Is Gum a hit?
I fucking doubt it.
An anonymous new tipster has alerted us that TWiT ad rates have been drastically reduced. Shit content will NOT get premium rates. It seems that in return for lowering the rates, TWiT head of sales/CEO/host/head of programming/reporter/bookkeeper/GF has asked for an increase in the quantity of ads to make up for the cash shortfall. But therein lies the problem: The founder of TWiT has long promised that no more than one ad per half-hour segment would appear on any network program. A solution was quickly discovered—breaking yet another promise to the suck-up fans who remain loyal to the legendarily lazy lard-ass. Already today, two hour-long shows, the never-prepared-for “Triangulation” and the forever-unwatchable “Marketing Mavericks,” contained unbearably long ads that practically dominated the hour of “content.”
So what we are left with is a virtual admission that the content has indeed reached truly awful levels. This ad-stuffing maneuver is merely a short-term solution that guarantees no long-term success for the network. A network, it must be said, that should have been declared DOA in 2013. Only once the few sponsors that are hanging in there realize that they are being fleeced (and ask for similar decreases in their ad rates), will the CEHo have finally succeeded in scuttling this sinking ship of a network for good.
Anyone have a spare life preserver?
*update* A new, and as yet, unverified source is claiming that the ad rate drop strategy may have come from #soup and not the #CEHo. We are investigating.
The heralded gains in Stitcher ratings have proven short-lived. “Tech News Today” has been spewing countless plugs for people to double subscribe via the Breaking News Maven: Mike Elgum. However, the pitiful begging seems to have resulted in the exact opposite effect. The intended spike has turned into a never-before-seen drop as the
ratings on Stitcher have plummeted to record lows. Not to worry TNT fans, they can always redo the desk or change Gum’s face from orange to lavender.
The end of TWiT is near, but how long is left? We all struggle to know fact from fiction when our main source of information is a pathological liar. Weeding our way through the web of deceit to get to the truth is what we are about here at #TotalDrama, so I shall pick up the gauntlet.
The murkiest of all the lies, center on the state of TWiT finances. Every single show the #soupguzzler does not host is losing money? TNT ratings are back at the level they were in 2013? TWiT has been growing 10 percent a year? Ninety percent of record revenue is from #soup’s shows? How can we possibly be expected to believe any of this?
What Do I Believe?
Information is available to the diligent. We can all look at the YouTube numbers and see there is a direct correlation between YT views and downloads. We also see the ads—how many, how often and from whom. The lease on the studio is up on March 31, 2015. The young talent has fled. Leo is 57 years old. From all this, much can be deduced.
TWiT is in Serious Trouble
Let’s begin our examination: Back in 2013, “Tech News Today” generated the most revenue for the network. It was on five days a week and always ran three ads. Yes, it was an expensive program. But all the show hosts worked on other TWiT programs, to which their wages should be allocated. The daily show, in turn, anchored the live views. There was an amazing synergy between TWiT and other internet personalities, networks and publications. “iPad Today” and “All About Android” were new shows—and they were hits. Suckers were found in abundance to buy the crap T-shirts they hocked every week. Live viewership grew everyday. The Fatman was happy at what he saw and said, “It was good what I made.”
New Year, New Problems
2014? The drop in live views is palpable. The bans and kicks have taken their toll on the chatroom. Sub-par hosts like the soulless Mike Elgum and the Hawaiian Priest with an unnatural affinity for performing in a 1920’s radio voice, dominate the programing. We have not seen some of the biggest and brightest stars on the network at all in 2014. The list is long: Veronica Belmont, Scott Johnson, Justin Young, Nilay Patel, Molly Wood, Shira Lazar, Ijustine, Felicia Day, Joshua Topolsky, Adam Curry, Cali Lewis. More so, many regulars like Scoble and Brushwood and even the legendary John C. Dvorak are growing tired of the self-destructive Laporte. His weight gain is sapping his energy; and he looks about ready to fall asleep at any moment.
The ads are few and far between. Ford has been replaced with Personal Capital, a company that sells nothing. Hover has been replaced with a loan shark. Leo’s laments of his dwindling fortune in chat while drinking alcohol are epic and equally as sad. His lethargic attitude and near-total lack of professionalism are infecting everyone. A common phrase resounds in the SHiThouse: “I don’t care, just leave it.”
The network growth hit a brick wall and shrinkage is here now. (No pithy play on words comes to mind.) The arrogant Laporte will never admit mistakes, and both the CEO and News Director are spineless. He has surrounded himself with sycophants, from his staff to his chatroom. He is aware that the river of money has been dammed. Radford, Shannon and others are being cut. Editors are forced to stay late as more shows are squeezed out of the overworked and underpaid staff. But no new shows are working—the life is gone. A sad reality is settling in.
When the lease comes due he will not renew. He will broadcast the four big shows from his mansion and the employees will be cut loose. Lives will be ruined to maintain his extravagant lifestyle. Lgum will be thanked and spanked and will resume his wandering through the world’s coffee shops; getting tossed for squatting in a multitude of languages. The end is near. And it has a date.
As the cost-cutting bloodbath continues unabated at TWiT HQ, Leo ‘n’ Lisa have decided to announce the launch of yet another TWiT show. “We’ve decided that technology will take a back seat to more human needs,” said CEHo Lisa Kentzell. “Instead of hiring a competent African-American female host, we’ve decided to go in another direction and focus more on how robots are actually not that different from us.” Another benefit, besides the robot toilet being white, is that the Megatron Bowel Blaster 3000 will be required to work late on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
The name for the new show has yet to be determined, but inside sources say that Leo is close to squeezing out the final choice this weekend. #TotalDrama is confirming, however, that the first guest on the robot’s new show will be Mike Elgum.
Exposing The Dark Underbelly of TWiT, Leo Laporte, and Failed CEO Lisa Laporte