We here at #TotalDrama take our responsibility as journalists very seriously. We do not take sides on issues and pride ourselves on our motto of “Just the Facts.” We recently received disturbing feedback from some fans that said our in-depth reporting on Father Robert Ballecer has made them question their faith.
Our staff was called in for (yet another) emergency meeting and decided to deliver the following statement: “Due to circumstances beyond our control, a large percentage of our reporting focused negatively on an individual associated with the Church. It was never our intent to affect peoples faith so we will attempt to rectify this matter.”
In an effort to balance the lack of faith in a greater power we offer you a vision of something clearly celestial. Five billion years of evolution is not enough time to craft this.
I present, God’s greatest achievement to date: Sarah Lane from the back. Trust me. You want to click this image.
Editor’s Note: This column marks the beginning of a new feature on #TotalDrama: “Ramblin’ Rage by Richard Yes” is a wonderful new stream-of-conscious experiment. It’s a place where our ace reporter unleashes his unfocused anger and brings us the unexpurgated #truth…
I miss the measly little cottage Tech News operation. The CNN of Tech is just not happening. They used to do interesting content with interesting guests but now it is so much less. If it’s happening in tech it’s not happening on TWiT. Who could forget the unparalleled lack of coverage of Amazon buying TWiTCH? Who could forget the horrid breaking news of the Microsoft CEO hiring, five hours after MSNBC and everyone else covered it.
They are the leading Tech network and they can’t get an invite to the 2,300 seat auditorium where the biggest announcement of 2014 is happening? And don’t feed us the shit that Inhatko and Ritchie are covering it for you. They got invites and airfare from The Chicago Sun Times and iMore. Basically everyone in tech is going. Almost everyone big man.
What the hell is Elgum doing in his office all day? Don’t answer that. And don’t feed us the story about you being banned, Apple knows who you are about as much as Kevin Spacey does.
P.S. It’s time to bite the bullet and switch to 2X large. XL is not cutting it anymore.
Some time ago, #TotalDrama obtained a report stating the two Google co-founders have personally asked TWiT’s big-headed leader to switch to iOS from Google’s own Android operating system. At the time, the team at #TotalDrama was unable to verify the report and did not see the impetus for Sergey and Larry to prod the plump Laporte to switch teams. A decision was made to bury the piece until more verifiable information emerged.
A recent story by a fellow publication, “Cult of Android,” shed light on why the Google honchos would make such a bold move.
It seems Android users are spending more time under their bedcovers with their phones than iOS users. The graph above details porn usage, on the popular site PornHub, broken down by OS. Android is the runaway leader. The hope is that moving Laporte over to iOS will simultaneously reduce Android porn usage and increase iOS porn usage, thereby making the Google operating system more family friendly.
This report is a collaboration by Richard Yes and HelloWorld. (The really hateful stuff was HelloWorld.)
Most everyone is familiar with the concept of term limits in the world of politics. We don’t usually think much of this as it seems like a pretty good way to give everyone a chance to govern. But in actuality, the idea of term limits has deeper and more reasoned roots. Oddly enough, the concept remains relevant in the case of more amateur congresses such as the local school council.
Two main problems exist with not having term limits. The first of which is that in elections the incumbent has an unfair advantage. Let’s say he or she has been the church president or library chairman or United States senator for 12 years and along comes some young upstart who thinks they can do a better job. This is a huge mountain to climb in the minds of the constituents. The second reason is that their power becomes too great and corruption sets in. Let’s discuss…
After a certain amount of time, relationships are built, a hierarchy is established and fear takes hold. This is what happened to the TWiT Internet Relay Chat: Originally intended as a place for TWiT fans to gather, to discuss among themselves and to build a community of their own, #twitlive eventually was destroyed by the overprotective and power-hungry moderators. And it is another sad, symbiotic dysfunctional relationship that our Gregarious Glutton and his laziness has allowed to grow. Exempli gratia: The Soupguzzler has often shielded himself from the biting blows of criticism by saying it’s not his IRC, it is in fact Dan_Macbook’s domain. In turn, Dan_Macbook says he is not to blame because it is the TWiT chatroom. In truth, we all know Dan_Macbook is merely a puppet—albeit a loyal puppet that seeks his master’s approval like a mongrel dog seeking a gentle [ewww] belly rub. But let us first examine the crime before laying blame:
Many have argued that it is Dan_Macbook and his band of fools who have caused the demise of TWiT. This may well be, but these overzealous chatroom moderators are surely responsible for the neutered behavior of the few remaining fans left in #twitlive. The “troll problem” that Soup brings up on nearly every recent show is a direct result of Dan and his ban-happy cohorts. They have become wicked people who think that because they are nice to each other and play kiss-ass with the hosts, that they are good people. It probably says in the Bible somewhere: It is not how you treat your equals, but rather how you treat those whose stature is beneath you that points to your value as a “good person.” The great hero who runs the monumental Twitter account @leolaportesucks for the past three years, has documented these despicable insults. The mods hurl these mini-rants at everyone who dares to violate their capricious rules: Don’t know where twit.tv/cal is?—Gird yourself against an immediate insult. Use adult language?—Prepare to be spat upon like garbage. Have the gall to disagree with a host?—Forfeit your dignity with a kick and a rude comment. Compliment the lovely Sarah Lane on her beautiful hair?—Get an earful from a chastising chat mod.
We all know that a chatroom is not a democracy. And no one is saying put Dan_Macbook in jail. But it’s time to own up to the fact that he has ruined TWiT for the most active little fan soldiers among the formerly feared “TWiT Army.” And we can tell you that this is one army that has suffered mass desertions since Mike Elgum sat his orange ass down in the TNT anchor chair. How can Lisa ‘n’ Leo not notice that so many have gone AWOL? The ranks are thinning and it’s showing up in decreased advertising. Those who remain are like dogs on short leashes and offer nothing in the way of commentary, humor or insight. (Like Elgum himself.) On a personal note, I have been told to stop using #hashtags so much by a mod. #really #wtf #seriously #douchebag. Have my rights been taken away? No. Are the mods stupid? Yes. Kick away, when people really need to be kicked. But why the disgusting insults? Does anyone say anything to these moderators, or are these rabid beasts allowed to run free? They have even given out users real names for fun, a practice known as doxing. Leo or Padre certainly will not stop these sociopaths. So who will?
Where do these dejected people go? Well, there are forums and websites all over the internet filled with the rejects from that chatroom. These heroes are uploading YouTube videos and posting in forums and hurting the reputation of SHiT, I mean TWiT. (Editors will fix that in post.) You can’t say that the “haters” and “trolls” will pop up against everyone who has a major audience—of course that happens. But you have to admit that the level of hate is beginning to exceed the level of love. I would guess that Gawker.com got their story of Leo “smelling and tasting” his mistress CEO from one such ex-fan. One mod has even been known to stalk people who leave TWiT to incite the hatred. Why do they do this? They are chatroom moderators for God’s sake, and their activities should remain confined to the chatroom. Dan_Macbook supplied the chat transcripts to the heavy-heaving hypocrite Leo Laporte—of his own volition—to get Erik Lanigan fired. Why on Earth would he do that to the poor kid? Dan_Macbook is totally in need of a spanking, a cranking and a yanking.
So here’s where we stand: The mods are out of control—and it’s time to get rid of them. Even Soup has made fun of these keyboard cretins on the air many times. Oh, they whine and wail at first, but then they always come crawling back. The normal ones have completely ignored their modding duties or have simply quit. It breaks my heart to see human beings so used and abused; serving for 10 years out of love, a man who barely knows their names.
Recently, on what was described as “the most boring three hours of his life,” the Jiggling Juggernaut and #Soup Aficionado was forced to spend some downtime with colleague Mike Elgum. Food was served (obviously) and it was homemade by the TNT star himself—Mike Elgum. It’s interesting that the pizza party took place after this article was posted at #TotalDrama. But let us return to the matter at hand. Leo described the food later to fans as “awesome,” but that wasn’t good enough for the team here at #TotalDrama.
The team contacted world-renowned chef Wolfgang Puck and showed him Elgum’s lackluster doughy concoction. Puck also viewed the damning video of the hideous creation process. The response from the Master Chef could only be described as an angry tirade at the insult to Puck’s Italian heritage. The Italian culinary stallion’s rejoinder was too lengthy and too full of adult content to share here. After an emergency meeting of the #TotalDrama editorial board, it eventually was decided that a short summary would be released:
From [expletive] astart to [expletive] afinish, it was a [expletive] disagrace to everyone whoaever put on [expletive] baking agloves. I saw the [expletive] avideo and the [expletive] adough was prepared inexcusably. [spit] You do not [expletive] spin a de dough [expletive] five a inches above eh de head. You a needa to [expletive] spreada outta da dough and dat meana at leasta sixteen [expletive] inches. He’sa [expletive] pizza was a lumpy anda [expletive] full ofa uncooked a [expletive] dough. [spit] The oven wasa not[expletive] a hot enough and Pizza wasa too [expletive] far from a da [expletive] fire. The vegetables [expletive] were not a [expletive] precooked, only a [expletive] [expletive] moron thinks the vegetables [expletive] needa the same [expletive] exacto amount of cooking as a da [expletive] pizza.
Wolfgang went on to question Laporte’s claim of Italian ancestry, saying that Laporte seems “more French.” [Translated from Italian] “They like to make love with their faces in France and do not know the first thing about food.” The crew from #TotalDrama did not stop there. A team was dispatched to Elgum’s residence to taste the suspect pizza for themselves.
Posing as journalists from Thailand, sent to Petaluma researching a story on hard drive production, they maneuvered their way into the home and eventually were invited to partake of the infamous pizza pie. All of this was documented for the official record. Noted journalist and food critic HelloWorld said, “Uuuucccccchhhhhh! Barf…Oh God, [puke].”
Below is a favorite video I made detailing how a meal should be prepared as performed by characters from “My Little Pony.”
There you have it folks, another day, another lie.
Editorial Note: Sarah Lane was not available for comment.
Based on anonymous sources, the bone-idle blockhead, known affectionately as #soup around these parts, has once again lost his mind. “His infatuation with totaldrama.net and Captain Juno videos is out of control,” said someone. He seems to be of the opinion that most of the material for the aforementioned website and videos comes from his propaganda show Inside Twit. Hence the forbidding of publishing and possibly airing, the abortion of honesty, in the future.
A quick surveying of the Inside Twit YouTube page shows the last posting was 07/26/14 and the only remnant of the monotonous 08/20/14 performance is on Capt’n Juno’s web page. It’s an unusual delay, since the dysfunctional duo of Leo ‘n’ Lisa decreed no more delays in publishing podcasts and the editors know that they can lose water privileges if they don’t obey. This news is troubling for fans but Pinkie Pie wouldn’t let it get her down. So chin up, fans!
This is a good strategy, chubby but as Sting once sang:
Every breath you take, Every move you make, Every bond you break, Every step you take, I’ll be watching you
Every single day, Every word you say, Every game you play, Every night you stay, I’ll be watching you
Well, well they did it again. When they pitched Personal Capital as the service dedicated to helping you understand your money, (not that I had trouble with this aspect of my life) I thought, “Ok, another dumb service to add to the heap.” But when the outlandish claim was made that they won an award in wearable tech, we had to investigate.
What on earth is going on at TWiT? Have you no shame?
Click the image below to see the actual evidence of my #scoup below.
A long-held thesis of #TotalDrama states that the quality of content at TWiT in general is sinking faster than TNT’s ratings. A new story has just emerged that gives credence to this very thesis. A stunning rise in the number of ads on the network has miraculously taken hold of TWiT. It is apparent on all shows—from the merely unwatchable to the fantastically brain-wrenching. Did the sales team do a good job? Has the content improved? Is Gum a hit?
I fucking doubt it.
An anonymous new tipster has alerted us that TWiT ad rates have been drastically reduced. Shit content will NOT get premium rates. It seems that in return for lowering the rates, TWiT head of sales/CEO/host/head of programming/reporter/bookkeeper/GF has asked for an increase in the quantity of ads to make up for the cash shortfall. But therein lies the problem: The founder of TWiT has long promised that no more than one ad per half-hour segment would appear on any network program. A solution was quickly discovered—breaking yet another promise to the suck-up fans who remain loyal to the legendarily lazy lard-ass. Already today, two hour-long shows, the never-prepared-for “Triangulation” and the forever-unwatchable “Marketing Mavericks,” contained unbearably long ads that practically dominated the hour of “content.”
So what we are left with is a virtual admission that the content has indeed reached truly awful levels. This ad-stuffing maneuver is merely a short-term solution that guarantees no long-term success for the network. A network, it must be said, that should have been declared DOA in 2013. Only once the few sponsors that are hanging in there realize that they are being fleeced (and ask for similar decreases in their ad rates), will the CEHo have finally succeeded in scuttling this sinking ship of a network for good.
Anyone have a spare life preserver?
*update* A new, and as yet, unverified source is claiming that the ad rate drop strategy may have come from #soup and not the #CEHo. We are investigating.
We here at #TotalDrama are not too big to admit mistakes. So when we chastised the Breaking News Division of TWiT in multiple posts as a sham, we were guilty of a wrong. We will even play the damning video that made fools of us. We ask for forgiveness.
The heralded gains in Stitcher ratings have proven short-lived. “Tech News Today” has been spewing countless plugs for people to double subscribe via the Breaking News Maven: Mike Elgum. However, the pitiful begging seems to have resulted in the exact opposite effect. The intended spike has turned into a never-before-seen drop as the
ratings on Stitcher have plummeted to record lows. Not to worry TNT fans, they can always redo the desk or change Gum’s face from orange to lavender.
Exposing The Dark Underbelly of TWiT, Leo Laporte, and Failed CEO Lisa Laporte