All the excitement, from seeing Leo straight for 24 hours, has caused the #TWITLIVE chat mods to once again display abhorrent behavior. Perhaps it was a result of all the blood rushing to their lower (male organ)extremities which caused a lack of oxygen to the brain. The practice of doxxing [that gets people banned from most chat rooms and shunned from internet communities] is exercised with impunity by the twit head chat freak on the innocent patrons of chat.
Your jaw will drop as you see the freaky Dan give out personal details of another innocent former twit fan. Take note how the fellow mods and neutered members of chat sit idly by as he gives out a users FULL NAME and breaks every social norm that governs the internet we love. We thank the freak for sending more people to our IRC but the strain on the server is costing us a fortune.
Recently, on what was described as “the most boring three hours of his life,” the Jiggling Juggernaut and #Soup Aficionado was forced to spend some downtime with colleague Mike Elgum. Food was served (obviously) and it was homemade by the TNT star himself—Mike Elgum. It’s interesting that the pizza party took place after this article was posted at #TotalDrama. But let us return to the matter at hand. Leo described the food later to fans as “awesome,” but that wasn’t good enough for the team here at #TotalDrama.
The team contacted world-renowned chef Wolfgang Puck and showed him Elgum’s lackluster doughy concoction. Puck also viewed the damning video of the hideous creation process. The response from the Master Chef could only be described as an angry tirade at the insult to Puck’s Italian heritage. The Italian culinary stallion’s rejoinder was too lengthy and too full of adult content to share here. After an emergency meeting of the #TotalDrama editorial board, it eventually was decided that a short summary would be released:
From [expletive] astart to [expletive] afinish, it was a [expletive] disagrace to everyone whoaever put on [expletive] baking agloves. I saw the [expletive] avideo and the [expletive] adough was prepared inexcusably. [spit] You do not [expletive] spin a de dough [expletive] five a inches above eh de head. You a needa to [expletive] spreada outta da dough and dat meana at leasta sixteen [expletive] inches. He’sa [expletive] pizza was a lumpy anda [expletive] full ofa uncooked a [expletive] dough. [spit] The oven wasa not[expletive] a hot enough and Pizza wasa too [expletive] far from a da [expletive] fire. The vegetables [expletive] were not a [expletive] precooked, only a [expletive] [expletive] moron thinks the vegetables [expletive] needa the same [expletive] exacto amount of cooking as a da [expletive] pizza.
Wolfgang went on to question Laporte’s claim of Italian ancestry, saying that Laporte seems “more French.” [Translated from Italian] “They like to make love with their faces in France and do not know the first thing about food.” The crew from #TotalDrama did not stop there. A team was dispatched to Elgum’s residence to taste the suspect pizza for themselves.
Posing as journalists from Thailand, sent to Petaluma researching a story on hard drive production, they maneuvered their way into the home and eventually were invited to partake of the infamous pizza pie. All of this was documented for the official record. Noted journalist and food critic HelloWorld said, “Uuuucccccchhhhhh! Barf…Oh God, [puke].”
Below is a favorite video I made detailing how a meal should be prepared as performed by characters from “My Little Pony.”
There you have it folks, another day, another lie.
Editorial Note: Sarah Lane was not available for comment.
Exposing The Dark Underbelly of TWiT, Leo Laporte, and Failed CEO Lisa Laporte