Category Archives: Misc

Misc

Leo, Padre and Gum Offend Every Broadcaster

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We have recently seen some of the most influential broadcasters of our time come out against the new TWiT. On a recent episode of Night Attack, internet megastars Justin Robert Young and Brian Brushwood seemed disturbed that Father Robert Ballecer of the Society of Jesuits, purposefully aired his show in their traditional Tuesday night time-slot. The 7:30PM time was open on every weekday on TWiT’s schedule. He chose Tuesday to defecate his show on the public as  a clear proclamation of where his allegiance lies.  He forsook his friends to please Leo n’ Lisa.

Sad but true.
The pious charlatan was trying to poach as many listeners away from the hilarious Night Attack duo as he could. Pilfering  an audience by putting his show directly up against the talented NSFW team proved a colossal error as the latest number shows his downloads to be in the single digits. The egomania of this man is eclipsed by only one other, Laporte  himself.


In that same week, Gitmo Nations’ media assassin  Adam Curry called out Elgum as a hack. Curry is a hero of many at #TotalDrama, and there was no mistaking that pronunciation. [El-Gûm]
What an honor. Press play below.

All were unavailable for comment, but sources close to the entertainers explained why the Elgum/Padre model is so offensive. It seems that every person who ever called himself a professional entertainer is visibly upset at both; the man who speaks in one monotonous tone, as well as the man whose voice rises and falls more times in a sentence than the CEHo’s undergarments in an afternoon.

When the #soupguzzler tells Lgum he can keep his writing gigs as long as he does a half hour daily show on his network for a whopping 20K a year, he offends every broadcaster. When #soupguzzler inserts the cost-free priest into the time slot of Brian and Justin he offends again. #Soup is essentially spitting in the face of everyone who ever held a microphone. He is telling every broadcaster that anyone can do your job. Tom Merritt, Brian Brushwood and Justin Robert Young, you have no talent in Leo’s eyes. He can replace you with a writer and a man whose main talent is taking the vow of poverty.

And you fans; the bare-ass of Leo is pointed directly at your face when you accept this garbage.

Misc

Exposing the Mods

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There were times I thought people were too hard on the mods. Not often, but there were such times. Then, this newest Cap’n Juno video emerged. I see now that there is no end to the disease we call TWiT chat mods.

We call on all decent human beings to urge the #soupguzzler to get a new IRC room and exonerate himself from the crimes that these beasts of humanity commit daily.

Misc

Leo Laporte rethinks his business plan, live on the air

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Leo Laporte, founder of TWiT, rethinks his entire business plan live on the air during a recent taping of “This Week in Google.” Jeff Jarvis introduces the idea of businesses using remote contributors in a discussion about the closure of the print edition of “MacWorld” magazine. You can actually see Leo’s mind go blank as he contemplates the death of his empire and scrambles to come up with some cost-saving ideas. He then continues to talk; not exactly sure of what will come out of his own mouth next.

Misc

TWiT to lose “family-friendly” nature

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In a move reminiscent of Fox News Channel’s Parade of Sluts, word has reached #TotalDrama HQ that TWiT CEHo Lisa Kentzell has mandated that the network’s shows be “spiced up.”

Snubs has been called upon to display more of her tits during TWiT programming.
Snubs has been called upon to display more of her tits during TWiT programming.

The family-friendly nature of the network has long been touted as a safe haven for young and old alike, but as the recent exodus of tech-related advertisers can attest, a new tack was deemed necessary. Kentzell decided that sex sells. Leo Laporte of course is thrilled at this turn of events and has reportedly already ordered larger pants to accommodate his afternoon erections.

Amber Mac has already been spotted at Walmart buying even redder lipstick and bluer eyeshadow.

Snubs is prepping her boobs and TWiT staff is installing a larger freezer so she can have ready access so she can ice her nipples. Kentzell is estimating a one- to four-percent bump in advertising rates due to her high beams.

We can only pray that Sarah Lane will not have to suffer too much longer under this new regime as Ms. Lane’s particular brand of sexiness has always been above board. No word yet if Two Ton Tonya is going to put pepper on her pussy or not.

Misc

#TotalDrama fan mail getting out of control

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The staff at #TotalDrama is very thankful for all the support we have received from our fans. I speak for everyone here when I say that it is our absolute pleasure to deliver the unbiased, unabridged, hard hitting #truth to the people. We do appreciate your support, but please understand that top-notch journalists do not have the free time of say a Jeff Jarvis. So our organization approached a great, great friend of ours, Ringo Star, to deliver this serious message to you. (October 20th is final)

Peace & Love

Misc

Leo buying iPhones for his dumb kids on TWiT’s dime

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Leo Laporte is still supporting his kids after all these years with gadgets from the vast TWiT storehouse.
Leo Laporte is still supporting his kids after all these years with gadgets from the vast TWiT storehouse.

Leo Laporte announced with a flourish on today’s lame “This Week in Google” that he’s using his “biz account” to buy seven iPhones for TWiT (10 phones total). This also included two phones for his adorably dumb daughter and slacker son.

The TWiT founder is buying so many phones for his family that he is pressing company interns into service, as Apple is allowing only the purchase of two phones per person.

Way to go, Leo! Bring on that IRS audit. I’m sure the U.S. Government will be happy to hear what you’re up to.

Misc

Jason Howell Found Innocent

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Did TWiT PR find a way to cover up a story from the general public? Not so fast Lisa, #TotalDrama is on the case. It seems that, a few weeks after prolific stutterer Mike Elgum replaced professional broadcaster Tom Merritt, tech pundit Iyaz Ahktar and thoughtful commentator known as the lovely and talented Sarah Lane, on the hit show Tech News Today,™ our beloved TD had a small breakdown. Sorry, Grams!

Sorry Grams, Elgum made me do it!
Sorry Grams, Elgum made me do it!

Unable to afford an attorney, Jason elected to appear before the court “Per Se” or without an attorney. The DA brought a strong case and hundreds of witnesses. Jason’s defense lasted only two hours but he managed to beat the adept lawyers at their own game.

Prosecution did not rest!
Prosecution did not rest!

Sources close to the court told us what transpired.  Jason brought in tapes of the TNT pre-show for the court to peruse. Endless footage was displayed where the accused was blindsided every morning, ten minutes before airtime, by Elgum.  He proved that in an average day, he  faced off against five new guests who needed to be set up on Skype for the very first time. Most guests did not know how to connect a USB microphone, let alone manage lighting, shot framing or color balancing. To make it worse, other guests were scheduled who canceled faster than #Soupguzzler’s prom dates.  Jason went on to show Elgum saying “whaddup chickenhead” whilst he was forced to simultaneously entertain the fans during the pre-show with limited time while managing the set up. A picture was painted of life where temporary insanity was a forgone conclusion for any mortal man.

His case hit a snag when the prosecution showed that Jason was privileged to sit next to the lovely and talented Sarah Lane. Prosecutors claimed her hair tosses, pleasant smile, stunning eyes and the lilt in her voice would be enough to calm even a savage beast. Howell acquiesced but showed that the murder took place on Friday, a day Sarah Lane was not in studio.

Shira_A._Scheindlin
Throw the book at Elgum!

The gavel dropped, the verdict was read and Jason was released. On the steps of the court house, while humbly exiting, Jason was confronted by a contrite judge and the entire team of prosecuting attorneys. A hand was placed on his shoulder, “We watched an episode, no one should have to go through that.” A single tear fell from his cheek as he ambled home to face another morning of Elgum’s madness.

*Update* New evidence showed the day of the “murder” Howell was made aware that he would be responsible to assemble clips for the annual best-of-TNT show.