Did TWiT PR find a way to cover up a story from the general public? Not so fast Lisa, #TotalDrama is on the case. It seems that, a few weeks after prolific stutterer Mike Elgum replaced professional broadcaster Tom Merritt, tech pundit Iyaz Ahktar and thoughtful commentator known as the lovely and talented Sarah Lane, on the hit show Tech News Today,™ our beloved TD had a small breakdown. Sorry, Grams!
Unable to afford an attorney, Jason elected to appear before the court “Per Se” or without an attorney. The DA brought a strong case and hundreds of witnesses. Jason’s defense lasted only two hours but he managed to beat the adept lawyers at their own game.
Sources close to the court told us what transpired. Jason brought in tapes of the TNT pre-show for the court to peruse. Endless footage was displayed where the accused was blindsided every morning, ten minutes before airtime, by Elgum. He proved that in an average day, he faced off against five new guests who needed to be set up on Skype for the very first time. Most guests did not know how to connect a USB microphone, let alone manage lighting, shot framing or color balancing. To make it worse, other guests were scheduled who canceled faster than #Soupguzzler’s prom dates. Jason went on to show Elgum saying “whaddup chickenhead” whilst he was forced to simultaneously entertain the fans during the pre-show with limited time while managing the set up. A picture was painted of life where temporary insanity was a forgone conclusion for any mortal man.
His case hit a snag when the prosecution showed that Jason was privileged to sit next to the lovely and talented Sarah Lane. Prosecutors claimed her hair tosses, pleasant smile, stunning eyes and the lilt in her voice would be enough to calm even a savage beast. Howell acquiesced but showed that the murder took place on Friday, a day Sarah Lane was not in studio.
The gavel dropped, the verdict was read and Jason was released. On the steps of the court house, while humbly exiting, Jason was confronted by a contrite judge and the entire team of prosecuting attorneys. A hand was placed on his shoulder, “We watched an episode, no one should have to go through that.” A single tear fell from his cheek as he ambled home to face another morning of Elgum’s madness.
*Update* New evidence showed the day of the “murder” Howell was made aware that he would be responsible to assemble clips for the annual best-of-TNT show.
3 thoughts on “Jason Howell Found Innocent”
This is the kind of reporting that makes me glad that you’re on the case!
HelloWorld» Quote comment
you schlemiels have way too much time your claws.
GoodbyePlanet» Quote comment
i feel as if this is a rightful spiritual successor to #6yards. great work.
manimal» Quote comment