All posts by Effen Dumb

Misc

Full Disclosure

8 Comments

Being an ace reporter for #TotalDrama means I am responsible to answer my critics. Unlike Gum and #soupguzler who deafen their ears to criticism, I will not not only hear mine but I will act on it.

I done see this message quite a few times
I done seen this block message on quite a few accounts

Apparently I have been accused of a bias, a word I despise. There are those who think I show preferential treatment to the lovely and talented Sarah Lane, that I am incapable of turning the high powered microscope of analysis on her. This article should quell that disruption for awhile as I explain why Sarah should not have accepted the $75. That is right folks, here I go. #deepbreath

My kinda slave
My kinda slave

The year was 2011 and head chat mod/head sleaze visited his idol in Petaluma California. He brought some other mods with him. They seem to travel in packs, a gaggle, a flock, a school, a pride, I am unaware of the technical term. As part of the slave-masters training he treated the slaves, who serve him free-of-charge for thousands of hours, to a steak dinner. [A practice used in training dogs which was outlawed in 1988 by the ASPCA incorporates oscillating between treat and punishment. Yet this banned practice is still used by Laporte]  The mods had one request, bring Sarah.

It was a night Sarah had no plans but as you can imagine, many an excuse was concocted to avoid this. The obvious strategy of drinking herself into a stupor was unavailable because she needed to drive herself home. This meant she would have to sit there sober with the mods and Laporte. Finally, #soup offered her $75 and a free dinner and she took it. She sat there listening to that boy-child telling tales of being head mod. “I barely listen to TWiT anymore, I am so busy.” “I just check in the chat once in a while and kick some people.” “Those guys cry about getting kicked, get a life.” On and on he went about how above IRC he was. uuuugggghhh Sarah unexpectedly left early.

This should muffle the smell
This should muffle the smell

Should Sarah have taken the $75? After all, these freaks of nature in some way serve her too. They kick anyone who is remotely complimentary towards her appearance or half as creepy as the mods themselves. I condemn her for taking this money. It was a night-out for the mods. They put pants on and got dressed up and she should have done it free.

Ok, no favoritism here.
I hate you all for what you made me do.

Misc

Got To Do It

11 Comments

Were B&J lying?  No
Were B&J honest? Yes
But did they tell you everything?     No Sir E

Relax, not gonna say anything bad, we are lovers not haters.

JuRY and Brushwood will respond to the upcoming video next Tuesday night in his post show (maybe?)

Tune in for the madness at: http://nightattack.tv

You need to be a patreon supporter to see their response, don’t be a cheap-ass, contribute now or you do not get to watch.

*We have no affiliation with <> please do not harm any children.

Misc

Has Sarah Been Banned from Night Attack in a Retaliatory Move?

6 Comments

Reports have come in that future movie drafts will be short one  Sarah Lane.  A recent statement released by Cordkillers Production Inc in association with Night Attack Management Corp. let viewers know that the “teams” concept, that debuted in Summer 2014, would be abandoned because they were not overflowing with volunteers this year.

Who is in and who is out?
Who is in and who is out?

Recent years have not been kind to Sarah as the Night Attack selection committee passed her over and placed a plump priest in her stead, much to the chagrin of the predominantly hormonal young male audience.  Winter is coming and that means the Winter Draft is coming too. It seems the next movie draft participants will be something to keep abreast of.

Further speculation emerged when viewers noticed a lack of Sarah Lane in her promised monthly segment on the Tuesday night program. Fans have been clamoring to get her on for a full show but the NA duo turned that idea on its head. Always loyal to Justin & Brian could they be biting their thumbs at her? Is this retaliation for their alleged banishment from TWiT? #TotalDrama does not want to stir up drama, we are not about drama,  but come on. Asked for comment, Night Attack reps said she was not banned and she has been “traveling and busy with her social life.” We were directed to her saucy Instagram feed as evidence.

Jennifer Garner is up on in arms over this.
Jennifer Garner had no comments for #TotalDrama.

Is this a calculated attempt to cut #TotalDrama in half by a TWiT double agent inside the Night Attack consortium. It is widely known that drama is split amongst its attitude towards the iFive for the iPhone star. Is Padre pining for her spot again? Is Veronica Belmont or Snubs AKA Shannon Morse, looking to be the third member of the Pr0blem Solverz? Or maybe just maybe this entire article was an experiment in click bait titles, a tactic made famous by Mike Elgum.

Misc

Don Quixote

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Background:

Actress Claire Danes
Actress Claire Danes

Most young kids have dreams of being baseball players. I was in my thirties when I had a literal dream that I was a member of the New York Yankees. It was an interesting dream because I was just a bench warmer and not a star player, but I was a member of the Yankees nonetheless. The dream lasted probably, what amounted to, ten minutes. Although it was just a night-time regurgitation of neurons dancing in my brain, it was the best time of my life. ( just remembered another dream I had in college with Claire Danes )

Last Nights Dream:

Chien-Ming Wang
Chien-Ming Wang

I am talking to ex-Yankee sinker-ball pitcher; Chien Ming Wang.  He is downtrodden and working a job handing out tickets in the rotunda of some nondescript outdoor stadium. He opens up to me about his injury-shortened career and starts to cry. Just then, superstar Derek Jeter comes by, and there is a mutual respect between us, even though I was a bit player. He is in a rush but we start  reminiscing.   Then I realize I had neglected Chien-Ming and now he’s become upset at me.  Then, Chien-Ming is walking up some rafters, he shouts down to me his phone number, but my phone is dead and I have no way to take down his phone number. Then, there is some guy (I think the guy who plays the priest on HBO’s The Leftovers) who is important for some reason. The dream shifts to him.

Truck
Truck

But, he was chained from his wrists to the back of a tractor-trailer truck and the big rig had one of those boots on its rear axle. (F.Y.I. all NY Yankees are gone at this point) He couldn’t get free of his chains so he got someone to rev the engine of the immobilized eighteen-wheeler in the hopes of cutting his chains on the spinning tires. Then the truck spins out-of-control over a fire hydrant and there’s  some sort of flood and I wake up.

Conclusion:

I have no idea what this stew of a dream meant. Nor do I understand the emoticons that Sarah Lane and her friends post on each others Instagram. Nor do I have any idea what Don Quixote is about.

Night Attacked?
Night Attacked?

I missed the majority of Night Attack and the post show. What I did hear was incoherent. I did formulate an opinion but need to watch the entire episode when it’s posted. (and watch for edit cuts) My initial prognosis is that they were compromised. I read Dale Carnegie’s book, so false contrition and Jedi mind tricks don’t work. The interesting thing is the compromiser is seemingly in a no-lose situation. He either gets what he wants or he gets to put a wedge where he wants to put it. But I am rushing to judgement.

Anyone who saw it have any thoughts?

Misc

Fill-In-Host for Windows Weekly Announced

Image 2 Comments

Not that anyone will notice but there is a new guy filling in on Windows Weekly. The regular host will be frolicking away on the streets of London. Hopefully the replacement will not talk with his mouth full and act disrespectfully towards the stars of the show.

In an unrelated story, later that day JJ Abrams will be announcing a new character appearing in Star Wars Episode VII.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words
Misc

Native Advertising

2 Comments

I don’t know, maybe it’s me?
It just seems like the personal testaments and promises are all lies. Mike is not making money with his android watch and El Padre doesn’t have people coming up to him needing ITCproTc or whatever that thing is. If you do a live-ad then just do an ad read. It is fine, we get it. But don’t make up stories to make it not an ad, just do the damn ad read.

Misc

“I couldn’t afford Tom” Leo Laporte

41 Comments

ramblinrage2Many celebrities and business executives with boatloads of money refuse to fly first-class because it is such an offensive waste of money. Granted coach is painful, many wealthy people switch to business class, but first-class? Besides the cost on the environment by taking up the space of three or four people, it is such a repugnant use of money when people are starving all over the world. Yes, you can say that to anyone who goes to a restaurant but the idea of throwing thousands of dollars away to sit in a comfortable chair for a few hours should appall everyone. Let’s hear it for Padre’s vow of poverty and the firing of Amber, Jeff and Radford. Why not cut down the

Well earned 1st class trip
Well earned 1st class trip                                                                            Photo Courtesy of Bruce’S Studios

hours worked by Chad and Shannon? Let Chad get another roommate so Lisa can put her feet up for a few hours. You get a nine thousand dollar TV and a mansion and all you need to do is fire talent and hire garbage. The idiot fans fail the taste test. And, if people stop watching, just do three ads every half-hour. This man holds his fandom in contempt.

Royalty, Celebrities and High Priced Workers
Royalty, Celebrities and High Priced Workers

Can you imagine someone coming up to her asking what she does and having her say, “me, I am a CEO of an internet network.” Seriously, my skin is crawling.

Misc

A Day in Celebrities

3 Comments
Where is Allan Mulally?
Where is Allan Mulally?

Well, somehow the glad-handing and flesh pressing #Glutton weaseled his way into the lives of Steve Martin and Paul Simon.  He actually ate dinner with the two men who are of an era that still listens to TTG radio show. This will cause a scourge on the ears of millions as Laporte tells the same story, that actually is not a story, over and over and over and over yet again. Do you have a senile grandmother who repeats herself? Well this will be worse, much worse.

Image010Fret not, in related celebrity news, our favorite  Super Star News Director seems to be getting a run for his money on the new social network Ello.com. It looks like the start-up has yet to put propper anti-troll mechanics in place. Elgin may outpace Elgan in followers.
It makes me wonder? What if the troll is more popular than the trolled? Inception? Reverse the polarities? Mix 1 cup of matter with 2 cups of anti-matter?

This is unadultered unlike...
This is unadultered unlike…

Enough celebrity news to fill your coffee cup yet? Freeze mister. If an alleged surreptitious shout-out was not enough, from the douchebag-hating* Adam Curry. This very website of meager origins  now has it’s second celebrity fan after Chazz Palminteri. Try this proof-positive on for size:

But drama is not about receiving, we are about giving so here is a treat for the man whose hair is only rivaled by Flash Gordon himself. The one and only Robert Ballecer not only steals NSFW’s time slot, it seems the No Agenda slogan “Best Podcast in the Universe,” was lifted as well.

*note* Richard Yes donates monthly to No Agenda

Misc

How to be a CEHo for Dummies

19 Comments

Image006We are introducing a brand new feature at TotalDrama called CEHo’s Corner! This is an area where we try to teach someone with the intelligence quotient of a fourteen year-old to run TWiT. Today’s lesson focuses on a real problem: TWiT wants shows without Leo on them, to thrive.

Below is a post from Lisa Kentzell’s amazing  CEO blog, click below. Truly, every post on that blog is a gem and this website is nothing compared to that marvel.

Failing daily since she was hired
Failing daily since she was “hired”

(I hope you clicked that image above) So, this is actually a great example of where a CEO can help a company where the founder and star is brideled by his  egomania. Two of the hit shows the blubber man hosts are Windows Weekly and Security Now. These shows have been drawing in viewers and growing for years. Surprisingly, when the #Soupguzzler goes on his semimonthly lavish vacations and his staff fills in, these two shows in particular do not suffer at all in ratings. In fact, the over eater is often a tad grumpy on his return when he hears the praise heaped on his substitutes. The co-hosts; Steve Gibson, Paul Thurrott and MaryJo Foley are immensely talented and knowledgeable and the real stars of the shows.

In reality, many viewers have noticed that Laporte uses these shows as lunch breaks. He barely speaks on Security Now and when he does he is often inaudible with giant dollops of food dancing in his cavernous mouth. Paul Thurrott stars on another program on the GFQ network that gets tens of thousands of downloads with the thirty-inch waisted Andrew Zarrian handling the hosting duties. So it seems Laporte’s talents and charisma are not the main draw here.

I have an idea CEHo. If Leo is a big draw, and if those shows can flourish without him, how about (drum roll) switch Leo to new shows and actually try and make a new show work out.

The main hinderance is the mans ego rivals his belly in size. This is where you need a CEO. The only shows he abandons are ones with low ratings. The reason he left the GizWiz was because the ratings were down. He is so psychologically damaged he needs to say he is “on the top shows.” This might even have something to do with the fact that Tom Merritt and Erik Lanigan  were let go. Take him off the two hit shows where he is wasted and put him on two new shows. Then you would have three or four hit shows. Call Glenn and your sis into your office to confirm that four is higher than two if you’re in doubt.

TaDa, problem solved, now you don’t have to fire everyone. Now work on getting that wedding done. You do realize if you lose your wrongful termination and sexual harassment cases you will be left with nothing. Work on the ring, leave TWiT to #TotalDrama or learn to be a CEO here.

I'd rather be fat than coward
One of the few siding against Sarah (Click above)

PS I wanted to respond to father Ballecer who called me a misogynists. I want to respond in a thoughtful and intelligent way. F you.

Mock all we say here but know this. Once you leave TWiT and make him no money you will never hear from him. Never. You will be dead to him. Chisel that in stone.

Misc

New TWiT Hires Announced

7 Comments

Many of us were franticly upset about the shows and staff being cut from TWiT. But fear not, showing a continued commitment to the fans and adhering to the “it’s not about the money” mantra, we have seen replacements already announced in the latest Inside TWiT post. So yes, we lost professionals like Sarah and Amber and the one gaming show bringing in young viewers but let’s see what we’ve gained, shall we.

Will Work for Food
Will Work for Food

Filling the void left by OMGCraft will be Pete. He comes to us from the steps of the Peteluma courthouse. Although not an expert in any particular video game, Pete assures us he will learn if given the sandwich promised by Laporte.  Knowing the miserly Laporte, we expect peanut butter or jelly but certainly not both, this is a business he is running after all.

Oh dear me
Oh dear me

The next next addition, in the mold of Sarah and Amber, is Sister Mary. Mary, like Father Robert, has taken a vow of poverty and should therefore fit like a glove into the TWiT budget. Look for Mary to host a show about the latest, hippest (nothing immodest) apps as well as co-host a program with dear friend Pete that is still under wraps.

Innocent I tell ya
Innocent I tell ya

Lastly we have Kurt. Kurt made a few wrong turns in his life but he assures us that his lawyer #£$%ed him and he is innocent. Considering the maximum allowable wage to pay an inmate (Kurt has three years remaining on a fifteen year stint) is state-mandated at $0.87 an hour, he may be just what the doctor ordered. The “K Man” will start out behind the camera.

Once the #CEHo has this new crop trained, we expect to see more professional broadcasters and editors sent on their merry way. The only quote our staff could get was from the incomparable News Director Mike Lgum, “some of these guys are already really really super better than me., it’s awesome” Finally some truth emerges.