How to be a CEHo for Dummies

Image006We are introducing a brand new feature at TotalDrama called CEHo’s Corner! This is an area where we try to teach someone with the intelligence quotient of a fourteen year-old to run TWiT. Today’s lesson focuses on a real problem: TWiT wants shows without Leo on them, to thrive.

Below is a post from Lisa Kentzell’s amazing  CEO blog, click below. Truly, every post on that blog is a gem and this website is nothing compared to that marvel.

Failing daily since she was hired
Failing daily since she was “hired”

(I hope you clicked that image above) So, this is actually a great example of where a CEO can help a company where the founder and star is brideled by his  egomania. Two of the hit shows the blubber man hosts are Windows Weekly and Security Now. These shows have been drawing in viewers and growing for years. Surprisingly, when the #Soupguzzler goes on his semimonthly lavish vacations and his staff fills in, these two shows in particular do not suffer at all in ratings. In fact, the over eater is often a tad grumpy on his return when he hears the praise heaped on his substitutes. The co-hosts; Steve Gibson, Paul Thurrott and MaryJo Foley are immensely talented and knowledgeable and the real stars of the shows.

In reality, many viewers have noticed that Laporte uses these shows as lunch breaks. He barely speaks on Security Now and when he does he is often inaudible with giant dollops of food dancing in his cavernous mouth. Paul Thurrott stars on another program on the GFQ network that gets tens of thousands of downloads with the thirty-inch waisted Andrew Zarrian handling the hosting duties. So it seems Laporte’s talents and charisma are not the main draw here.

I have an idea CEHo. If Leo is a big draw, and if those shows can flourish without him, how about (drum roll) switch Leo to new shows and actually try and make a new show work out.

The main hinderance is the mans ego rivals his belly in size. This is where you need a CEO. The only shows he abandons are ones with low ratings. The reason he left the GizWiz was because the ratings were down. He is so psychologically damaged he needs to say he is “on the top shows.” This might even have something to do with the fact that Tom Merritt and Erik Lanigan  were let go. Take him off the two hit shows where he is wasted and put him on two new shows. Then you would have three or four hit shows. Call Glenn and your sis into your office to confirm that four is higher than two if you’re in doubt.

TaDa, problem solved, now you don’t have to fire everyone. Now work on getting that wedding done. You do realize if you lose your wrongful termination and sexual harassment cases you will be left with nothing. Work on the ring, leave TWiT to #TotalDrama or learn to be a CEO here.

I'd rather be fat than  coward
One of the few siding against Sarah (Click above)

PS I wanted to respond to father Ballecer who called me a misogynists. I want to respond in a thoughtful and intelligent way. F you.

Mock all we say here but know this. Once you leave TWiT and make him no money you will never hear from him. Never. You will be dead to him. Chisel that in stone.

New TWiT Hires Announced

Many of us were franticly upset about the shows and staff being cut from TWiT. But fear not, showing a continued commitment to the fans and adhering to the “it’s not about the money” mantra, we have seen replacements already announced in the latest Inside TWiT post. So yes, we lost professionals like Sarah and Amber and the one gaming show bringing in young viewers but let’s see what we’ve gained, shall we.

Will Work for Food
Will Work for Food

Filling the void left by OMGCraft will be Pete. He comes to us from the steps of the Peteluma courthouse. Although not an expert in any particular video game, Pete assures us he will learn if given the sandwich promised by Laporte.  Knowing the miserly Laporte, we expect peanut butter or jelly but certainly not both, this is a business he is running after all.

Oh dear me
Oh dear me

The next next addition, in the mold of Sarah and Amber, is Sister Mary. Mary, like Father Robert, has taken a vow of poverty and should therefore fit like a glove into the TWiT budget. Look for Mary to host a show about the latest, hippest (nothing immodest) apps as well as co-host a program with dear friend Pete that is still under wraps.

Innocent I tell ya
Innocent I tell ya

Lastly we have Kurt. Kurt made a few wrong turns in his life but he assures us that his lawyer #£$%ed him and he is innocent. Considering the maximum allowable wage to pay an inmate (Kurt has three years remaining on a fifteen year stint) is state-mandated at $0.87 an hour, he may be just what the doctor ordered. The “K Man” will start out behind the camera.

Once the #CEHo has this new crop trained, we expect to see more professional broadcasters and editors sent on their merry way. The only quote our staff could get was from the incomparable News Director Mike Lgum, “some of these guys are already really really super better than me., it’s awesome” Finally some truth emerges.

I must respond

The failing sales team is directly under CEo, a woman with no sales experience who insists on selling her boyfriends shows first because then they can screw over hosts when it’s time to negotiate salaries. And #soupguzzler can continue his fantasy that he is 90% of revenue.

A huge failing of the dysfunctional management team is that they are morons. Specifically they are completely unaware that the reason the big shows at twit grow numbers is precisely because the smaller shows have loyal audiences and likewise bring in new listeners. Amber had an audience, Tom and his guests such as, Scott Johnson and Veronica Belmont had huge audiences. But the egomaniac gives out no credit, it’s all him. (My first twit show was iPad today) When someone discovers a TWiT show they generally explore more shows. This is known as The Network Effect.


Amber MacArthur blindsided after 8 years with TWiT about getting cancelled

Amber MacArthur did not deserve to be fired the way she was.
Amber MacArthur did not deserve to be fired the way she was.

It turns out that Amber MacArthur was blindsided about the cancellation of her long-running show, “The Social Hour” that she co-hosted with Sarah Lane. Upon hearing the news from a concerned fan, Amber replied to a tweet from Three Ton Tonya (that’s one more ton than Two Ton Tonya) about her show getting cancelled. Apparently Amber was unaware of her show being dropped from the TWiT lineup.

It’s such a shame that CEHo Lisa Kuntzell doesn’t have enough class to tell Amber privately before blasting out the blog post that announced the programming changes. If the gold-digging girlfriend of Leo Laporte weren’t too busy planning their ritzy London vacay, she might have had the decency to properly inform loyal contributors that they’ve been let go.

Massive changes hit TWiT schedule

Sarah, Chad and Amber have had their shows axed.
Sarah, Chad and Amber have had their shows axed.

Massive changes have hit the TWiT schedule—and they have hit hard. Lisa’s memo was posted here, but it’s repeated below just in case the a-holes at TWiT HQ take it down. (We are very thorough here at #TotalDrama.) Many avid TWiT hate-watchers are scratching their heads in absolute disbelief that Two Ton Tonya’s bullshit marketing show “Marketing Mavericks” didn’t get the ax. As a result, Sarah Lane is hanging by a thread and Chad Johnson should be looking for other work. The flame-headed freak has had his network presence slashed to the bone.

Here’s Lisa’s memo in all its “You’re Fired” glory:

As we head into October, there will be a few changes on TWiT.
Starting next week, OMGcraft will be leaving our network. Chad “OMGchad” Johnson will continue his show independently, and new episodes will be posted on the OMGcraft YouTube channel.
We are also retiring The Social Hour. Originally called net@night, it is one of our longest-running netcasts, starting when “social media” was still in its infancy. As the landscape has matured and trends have shifted towards apps, we feel that social media coverage is now a part of almost every show on our network.
For similar reasons, redditUP will also be going on hiatus. It may return in a revamped form at some point.
Chad will continue to co-host The Giz Wiz, and you’ll still see him at the Tricaster throughout the week. Sarah Lane will continue to host Tech News 2Night and iFive for the iPhone, in addition to co-hosting iPad Today. You can keep up with Amber MacArthur’s latest projects by following @ambermac on Twitter.
Marketing Mavericks will be moving to Thursdays at 12 noon, starting on October 2.
As always, we appreciate your support as we go through these changes. Leo and I continuously strive to make TWiT the best it can be and we couldn’t do it without you.

In a possibly related move, it appears that Sarah Lane’s Wikipedia entry has been deleted.

Robert Scoble snoops on Leo Laporte’s laptop

Noted freeloader and bizarre internet personality Robert Scoble snoops on Leo Laporte’s laptop during a recent pre-taping of “Triangulation” in front of a studio audience.

Why do the #twitlive chatroom moderators insist on creating a “family-friendly” audience when the livestream is filled constantly with x-rated garbage? We’re guessing here at #TotalDrama that the only people who know the answer to that complex riddle is Dan the Head Moderator’s therapist and/or Mommy.

Leo finally says what we all know he’s been thinking

TWiT founder and lecherous cretin Leo Laporte hits on the lovely Sarah Lane during a taping of “iPadToday” and finally reveals what we’ve known all along: He does indeed wonder if he has a “secret crush” on Sarah. The beautiful Sarah takes the inappropriate advances in stride, however. But unfortunately for her, until she can get a better job she’s forced to play along with Leo’s debasing behavior. So get outta there, Sarah! You deserve better.

The Depravity

Always Lovely & Always Talented

Is there no end to the torturous abuse leveled against Sarah Lane? Recently she went away on vacation with a new beau* and came back fully relaxed. She sat down at her set to work on iFive (Thanks Dropcam) and in walks the megalomaniac.  He comes up behind her to say hello and starts to lecherously rub her shoulders. Like a mongrel beast he marks his territory. Sarah buries the outrage deep within, but it emerged the next day on The Social Hour. Her co-host mentions “an airplane” and Sarah’s unconscious wish to cry out is misdirected at people who touch her on a plane, but we know it was meant for Laporte.

Folks, I have been in prison, I have seen disgusting things: men humping the floor of a cell in a drunken stupor and men having heroin induced diarrhea on themselves, but never have I been so repulsed as when that ogre put his hands on her soft, slight, and pale as the moonlight loving shoulders. (O.k. I was a drop jealous too) But NO, this is not the depravity I speak of here today. The constant sexual harassment is part of the game at TWiT. He fosters an environment where his victims are tricked into believing it is the weak women who ‘cry abuse’ and the strong women who ‘can handle it.’  Oh Leo, you fool no one. We know how you laughed off the harassment course you took at Tech TV.

Deliver us
Deliver us

So what is the latest depravity? What do we speak of today? As the lovely and talented Sarah Lane mucks her way through TWiT she is granted one yearly wish, one perk, one gleaming ray of sunlight fighting through the rain. A gold iPhone. Alas, not this year. This year the horror leveled on her is a boring white iPhone. How dare you Laporte, how dare you. He sent out twenty interns to make sure his friends and family got what they wanted but once again not Sarah. How long? How long must we sing this song?

Hello Sarah, way to make up a fake email so you could say hy in a clever way, and butt out #soupguzzler, the grown ups are talking.

*He scored 0 touchdowns in his college football career, I scored 2 and played defense.
**A $3,842 bounty is being offered by #TotalDrama for the spreadsheet that calculated the cost of iPad Today at $400,000 a year.