On today’s particularly more-lame-ass-than-usual “Tech News Today,” an unknown guest was allowed to give commentary for about four minutes (as seen on the left side of the picture below).
On closer inspection, the “guest” was discovered to be a light switch. The switch was still more insightful than either Mike Elgum or snaggletoothed guest-host Parmy Olson.
Based on anonymous sources, the bone-idle blockhead, known affectionately as #soup around these parts, has once again lost his mind. “His infatuation with totaldrama.net and Captain Juno videos is out of control,” said someone. He seems to be of the opinion that most of the material for the aforementioned website and videos comes from his propaganda show Inside Twit. Hence the forbidding of publishing and possibly airing, the abortion of honesty, in the future.
A quick surveying of the Inside Twit YouTube page shows the last posting was 07/26/14 and the only remnant of the monotonous 08/20/14 performance is on Capt’n Juno’s web page. It’s an unusual delay, since the dysfunctional duo of Leo ‘n’ Lisa decreed no more delays in publishing podcasts and the editors know that they can lose water privileges if they don’t obey. This news is troubling for fans but Pinkie Pie wouldn’t let it get her down. So chin up, fans!
This is a good strategy, chubby but as Sting once sang:
Every breath you take, Every move you make, Every bond you break, Every step you take, I’ll be watching youEvery single day, Every word you say, Every game you play, Every night you stay, I’ll be watching youO can’t you see, You belong to me…
Leo Laporte, head of the rapidly-declining TWiT network, has reportedly banned his staff from using any model black iPhone. The infamously race-ranting Laporte has apparently put the kibosh on any iPhone other than the gold or white model.
Laporte, who has on numerous occasions practically taunted African-American guest hosts with racially-tinged phrases and questions, is rumored to be so against the darker-hued devices, that he’s taken to posting memos prior to the Sept. 9 launch of the latest Apple creation. “Attention Staff: Please remember that only white- or gold-colored iPhones are permitted within TWiT HQ. Your compliance is appreciated. Any Android device of any color is permitted, however as those phones are hopeless anyway,” says one such memo that is posted in the TWiT staff kitchen.
We here at #TotalDrama are family-friendly, just like Leo Laporte’s TWiT network. So in the spirit of restrained elegance, we will not be mentioning the following terms and topics (unless necessary to report the news, or just to be funny, or if we just plain want to):
Thanks!
Well, well they did it again. When they pitched Personal Capital as the service dedicated to helping you understand your money, (not that I had trouble with this aspect of my life) I thought, “Ok, another dumb service to add to the heap.” But when the outlandish claim was made that they won an award in wearable tech, we had to investigate.
What on earth is going on at TWiT? Have you no shame?
Click the image below to see the actual evidence of my #scoup below.
A recent study of Leo Laporte’s family tree, undertaken by reporters here at #TotalDrama, has uncovered that Leo has an identical twin brother. In a real-life version of “Separated At Birth,” Franklin Laporte—who had been given up for adoption decades ago—was discovered to be living with a French Canadian family under a sewer pipe for nearly 50 years.
As a result of this shocking discovery, Leo decided to fly his long-lost sibling to Petaluma so they could meet on camera during a taping of “Triangulation.” Both Father Robert and Tonya Hall were jealous of Leo’s new family member as they at first thought they both might be related to Franklin when he slid through the door of the TWiT studio.
Staffers were heard to say that the resemblance of Leo’s twin was indeed “uncanny” and “slightly disturbing,” as they remarked the two looked pretty much exactly the same. Although it should be noted that Leo’s hairline is receding a bit more than his brother’s.
The chronicling of the disgusting antics of the World’s Most Obese Priest continues today with this newly-uncovered video of Father Robert Ballecer passing gas live on camera.
A long-held thesis of #TotalDrama states that the quality of content at TWiT in general is sinking faster than TNT’s ratings. A new story has just emerged that gives credence to this very thesis. A stunning rise in the number of ads on the network has miraculously taken hold of TWiT. It is apparent on all shows—from the merely unwatchable to the fantastically brain-wrenching. Did the sales team do a good job? Has the content improved? Is Gum a hit?
I fucking doubt it.
An anonymous new tipster has alerted us that TWiT ad rates have been drastically reduced. Shit content will NOT get premium rates. It seems that in return for lowering the rates, TWiT head of sales/CEO/host/head of programming/reporter/bookkeeper/GF has asked for an increase in the quantity of ads to make up for the cash shortfall. But therein lies the problem: The founder of TWiT has long promised that no more than one ad per half-hour segment would appear on any network program. A solution was quickly discovered—breaking yet another promise to the suck-up fans who remain loyal to the legendarily lazy lard-ass. Already today, two hour-long shows, the never-prepared-for “Triangulation” and the forever-unwatchable “Marketing Mavericks,” contained unbearably long ads that practically dominated the hour of “content.”
So what we are left with is a virtual admission that the content has indeed reached truly awful levels. This ad-stuffing maneuver is merely a short-term solution that guarantees no long-term success for the network. A network, it must be said, that should have been declared DOA in 2013. Only once the few sponsors that are hanging in there realize that they are being fleeced (and ask for similar decreases in their ad rates), will the CEHo have finally succeeded in scuttling this sinking ship of a network for good.
Anyone have a spare life preserver?
*update* A new, and as yet, unverified source is claiming that the ad rate drop strategy may have come from #soup and not the #CEHo. We are investigating.
There is no post to follow this headline. I have said all there needs to be said.
We here at #TotalDrama are not too big to admit mistakes. So when we chastised the Breaking News Division of TWiT in multiple posts as a sham, we were guilty of a wrong. We will even play the damning video that made fools of us. We ask for forgiveness.
