TWiT considers selling itself to Gazelle

TWiT might sell itself under Gazelle's "Cash For Trash" deal.
TWiT might sell itself under Gazelle’s “Cash For Trash” deal.

Just like Gazelle encourages you to sell your old gadgets for cash, so too, is Leo considering dumping his aging network on the gadget-buying company. “It’s just time to get rid of this old piece of shit. Sure when I first founded the company it was good. But now it’s just basically garbage,” said a visibly disturbed Leo between gulps of Italian Wedding soup.

Sources say that Leo ‘n’ Lisa have run the numbers—and it’s not lookin’ pretty for the creaky, out-of-touch tech network. So they’ve decided to sell it for whatever price Gazelle will offer; most likely at a steep loss.

Lisa Kentzell eyes the competition with angry eyes

Lisa "Ug" Kentzell
Lisa “Ug” Kentzell

Human barfbag and TWiT “CEO” Lisa Kentzell is rumored to have it out for every woman at TWiT that rates higher than a 3 on the internationally-recognized “Hottie” scale. She has subsequently put the kibosh on at least four potential female hires because they were considered too good looking and a real threat to Lisa’s grip on Leo.

Many in the know are relieved that Sarah Lane’s tenure at TWiT has not been cut short by Lisa’s vicious evil eye. For starters, Leo would be foolish not to recognize Sarah’s extraordinary talent; but more simply, Sarah was simply there before Lisa’s unfortunate arrival.

So watch your back, Tonya.
Girl, don’t get any plastic surgery or a new hairdo without Lisa’s approval. Because if you get even a hair’s breadth away from jazzing up your style, Lisa will axe your ass faster than Leo lickin’ up his liquid lunch.

Follow Up Reporting

Unlike at TNT, we at #totaldrama excel in following up on stories. As an ace reporter for #totaldrama I can tell you that uncovering this next gCard._Jorge_Bergoglio_SJ,_2008em was worth the effort. Some time ago my esteemed colleague HelloWorld reported here that Fr. Robert Ballecer may absolve himself from his service to  Leo Laporte for a more fulfilling role serving  Pope Jorge Mario Bergoglio .

After much digging we found this is not the first time a phony baloney My Little Pony story came to the TWiT airwaves. After TWiT hemorrhaged talent in early 2014 a story was concocted that Pope Francis tapped Ballecer’s shoulder to get in the big game. According to TWiT founder Leo Laporte “he decided to turn down” that opportunity and remain at the SHiThouse. A story meant to assuage the fears of TWiT fans worldwide after the parade of exiting talent. The following tweets were Ballecer’s cryptic way of saying something without saying  anything, a technique mastered by Laporte himself.

The first tweet spoke about the offer:

The secmidishi_and_miashi_in_a_seesaw_by_shamashin-d5onozfond spoke on the dilemma of who to serve; Jesus Christ’s human representative on Earth at the city-state established by Pope Pius XI and  King Victor Emmanuel III of Italy in 1929. Home to such works of art as Michelangelo’s frescos Sistinehallon the Sistine Chapel ceiling.  Or Leo Laporte, an ego-maniacal, blowhard who waddles around the chicken capital of the world in a warehouse littered with malfunctioning PET computers and discarded soup containers.

Never has a #scoop been of more woe that of Ballecer and his boss Leo.

Either it’s a total lie made up to dupe fans or he actually turned the Pope down to work at TWiT. Pick your poison.

Once upon a time, in the Land of Twit

The Twit Cottage, during the original "happy times" for the Twit network.
The Twit Cottage, during the original “happy times” for the Twit network.

0-dropcapNCE UPON A TIME there was a simple man who broadcast his little tech show to thousands of adoring fans from a tiny cottage in an idyllic California town. That man was Leo Laporte. He shared the technology news from atop a bouncy ball that was soon to pop under the groaning weight of his late middle-aged fleshiness.

Little did we know, that that man would one day grow to be a cancer upon the zit of the pimple covering the melanoma that is new media in the 21st century. And nobody had any idea that his once infectious enthusiasm for teaching the liberating nature of tech would soon be adulterated (for lack of a better word) by an unaccomplished alleged gold-digger from loony-toon world.

Lisa "The Stringy-Haired Witch" Kentzell
Lisa “The Stringy-Haired Witch” Kentzell

If only we had had some sort of temporally-based contraption that could have transported us forward on the sea of time to present day, perhaps we could have foreseen the mess of a man that Leo would become. A failed marriage, a troubled family life and a stringy-haired freak of a CEO girlfriend…all horrors from which we would have gladly averted our eyes. I daresay that Leo himself would also choose to turn back the clock and return to that happier pre-Twit Brickhouse time. A time when he didn’t have to mislead his fans that “NatureBox is a healthy alternative,” or “SquareSpace is the best place for your new website,” even though Twit doesn’t even use them for Twit.tv. A time when he wasn’t overburdened with bothersome warehouse leases, pesky health-insurance-grubbing employees or loathsome Skype guests who don’t laugh at his jokes.

Unfortunately, we were unable to see into the future: There were no fortune-telling gypsies to show us the way, no crystal balls into which we could gaze for guidance. We have been left alone to suffer this desperate fate. And so it is that we band together here at #TotalDrama.

Come closer, friend. And let the fire of #truth light the way.

Total Drama Signs Deal with Cartoon Network

OMG, We don’t have a CEO and all the money is already rolling in. According to an unnamed reporter, reporting on a report by another reporter about a report, the cartoon network is in production to turn this brand new website into a full featured cartoon.Total-Drama-All-Stars-total

Uh oh, it looks like it is geared to kids, better keep you know who away, he has trouble staying family friendly. ; ]

Details to follow.

#TotalDrama site visit numbers are skyrocketing

Site visits are at an all-time high at #TotalDrama
Site visits are at an all-time high at #TotalDrama

Even though the “Open For Business” sign has been out for less than two weeks, #TotalDrama has experienced unprecedented visitor numbers.

BREAKING NEWS: Welcome Twit Brickhouse staffers! Official server logs reveal in real-time that 1/3 of the visitors were coming from Petaluma. Hi Leo! Hi Elgum! Hi Tricaster!

Hello Petaluma visitors!
Hello Petaluma visitors!

Site contributor Richard Yes said, “The site gets just under two million visitors a day.” Mr. Yes, in demonstrating an amazing ability to stretch the truth, gained from hours of watching the master, Leo Laporte, noted that, “What’s more remarkable, however, is the fact that these are all unique visits with site engagement at historic highs.”

Congrats to the team at #TotalDrama and keep up the good work!

Rumors swirl that Father Robert Ballecer is headed to the Vatican

Padre the Pope Denier
Padre the Pope Denier

Today on the TWiT livestream, Leo showed fake concern for Padre’s career: “You are so smart and talented; you have no competition,” Leo said after it came to light that Padre may have been called to serve by the Vatican once again. It has been alleged that Padre refused to serve before; so being asked twice should be taken as a sign that the portly priest may soon need to pack his bags and depart for Rome.

Defy the orders of a Pope at your own peril, Padre.

If it does indeed come to pass that the rotund reverend has a new job, then Padre might want to watch his language. Pope Francis is widely regarded as a pretty cool dude, but I don’t think he allows this kind of language at the Holy See…

Here’s a reminder just what a pig Padre is (telling a co-worker to “suck it.”):

Dan Hendricks Now Costing TWiT Real Money

Long time forum troll and current moderator for the TWiT podcasting network, Dan Hendricks, is starting to become a real liability for his superiors. A group of volunteers decided that it is a time to stop the brutalisation of the innocent in #twitlive by organizing a letter writing campaign. Every time Hendricks exhibits his anti-social sadistic behaviour and kicks someone out, a TWiT sponsor gets a polite letter explaining why it is not a good idea to associate their brand with increasingly tarnished TWiT name.

The campaign has been running for several weeks now, and it seems to be working. TWiT will find it increasing more difficult to sell their adds to unsuspecting businesses.

not_dan
Artist’s impression – Not an actual photo of Dan Hendricks

A friendly reminder of the goodness of Sarah Lane

Occasionally we here at #TotalDrama like to remind our readers of a few essential truths in life: The sun rises in the east, Leo Laporte is a heaving mass of unfunny racist accents, and Sarah Lane is an angel.

Sarah Lane on vacation in France.
Sarah Lane on vacation in France.

Without Sarah Lane, the TWiT network would seep into hell under the massive talentless weight of their loser hosts. Bless you, Sarah Lane. For you are the light of TWiT, the brightest talent; without which darkness would surely reign.
So let’s raise our glasses to the stunning Sarah. I’ll drink to that!

Sick of the Ugly Dog

No, this is not a post about any particular executive at TWiT. This is an analysis of the abomination of evolution known as Ozzie the ugliest and most putrid pooch ever.

The head in on the right?
The head is on the right?

In a new way to embarrass, humiliate and dehumanize the staff, all employees of TWiT are responsible to care for the aforementioned misanthropic varmint. Oftentimes you will  accost the staff in the streets of Petaluma, both feeding and chaperoning this wretched creature.  To deepen the shame, staff is asked to return the discarded canine feces in a plastic container as a testament that he did his business faster* than chief TWiT before This Week in Tech.  In one of the great examples of Stockholm syndrome to date, the staff actually fight over this task. Where does it end, Asking to wash #soupguzzler’s underwear?

The humiliation of TWiT staff needs to stop. JammerB is sixty years old and one of the highest trained personnel. Can he please be relieved of making coffee for #soup and plugging in the host’s laptops for them? Every human being deserves a small amount of dignity.

*Previously reported here.

* *Edit Update* An unnamed Expert agreed that “making humans care for another human’s dog’s feces is an excellent tactic to transform the victim into exhibiting total submissive behavior.”