Total Drama Signs Deal with Cartoon Network

OMG, We don’t have a CEO and all the money is already rolling in. According to an unnamed reporter, reporting on a report by another reporter about a report, the cartoon network is in production to turn this brand new website into a full featured cartoon.Total-Drama-All-Stars-total

Uh oh, it looks like it is geared to kids, better keep you know who away, he has trouble staying family friendly. ; ]

Details to follow.

#TotalDrama site visit numbers are skyrocketing

Site visits are at an all-time high at #TotalDrama
Site visits are at an all-time high at #TotalDrama

Even though the “Open For Business” sign has been out for less than two weeks, #TotalDrama has experienced unprecedented visitor numbers.

BREAKING NEWS: Welcome Twit Brickhouse staffers! Official server logs reveal in real-time that 1/3 of the visitors were coming from Petaluma. Hi Leo! Hi Elgum! Hi Tricaster!

Hello Petaluma visitors!
Hello Petaluma visitors!

Site contributor Richard Yes said, “The site gets just under two million visitors a day.” Mr. Yes, in demonstrating an amazing ability to stretch the truth, gained from hours of watching the master, Leo Laporte, noted that, “What’s more remarkable, however, is the fact that these are all unique visits with site engagement at historic highs.”

Congrats to the team at #TotalDrama and keep up the good work!

Rumors swirl that Father Robert Ballecer is headed to the Vatican

Padre the Pope Denier
Padre the Pope Denier

Today on the TWiT livestream, Leo showed fake concern for Padre’s career: “You are so smart and talented; you have no competition,” Leo said after it came to light that Padre may have been called to serve by the Vatican once again. It has been alleged that Padre refused to serve before; so being asked twice should be taken as a sign that the portly priest may soon need to pack his bags and depart for Rome.

Defy the orders of a Pope at your own peril, Padre.

If it does indeed come to pass that the rotund reverend has a new job, then Padre might want to watch his language. Pope Francis is widely regarded as a pretty cool dude, but I don’t think he allows this kind of language at the Holy See…

Here’s a reminder just what a pig Padre is (telling a co-worker to “suck it.”):

Dan Hendricks Now Costing TWiT Real Money

Long time forum troll and current moderator for the TWiT podcasting network, Dan Hendricks, is starting to become a real liability for his superiors. A group of volunteers decided that it is a time to stop the brutalisation of the innocent in #twitlive by organizing a letter writing campaign. Every time Hendricks exhibits his anti-social sadistic behaviour and kicks someone out, a TWiT sponsor gets a polite letter explaining why it is not a good idea to associate their brand with increasingly tarnished TWiT name.

The campaign has been running for several weeks now, and it seems to be working. TWiT will find it increasing more difficult to sell their adds to unsuspecting businesses.

not_dan
Artist’s impression – Not an actual photo of Dan Hendricks

A friendly reminder of the goodness of Sarah Lane

Occasionally we here at #TotalDrama like to remind our readers of a few essential truths in life: The sun rises in the east, Leo Laporte is a heaving mass of unfunny racist accents, and Sarah Lane is an angel.

Sarah Lane on vacation in France.
Sarah Lane on vacation in France.

Without Sarah Lane, the TWiT network would seep into hell under the massive talentless weight of their loser hosts. Bless you, Sarah Lane. For you are the light of TWiT, the brightest talent; without which darkness would surely reign.
So let’s raise our glasses to the stunning Sarah. I’ll drink to that!

Sick of the Ugly Dog

No, this is not a post about any particular executive at TWiT. This is an analysis of the abomination of evolution known as Ozzie the ugliest and most putrid pooch ever.

The head in on the right?
The head is on the right?

In a new way to embarrass, humiliate and dehumanize the staff, all employees of TWiT are responsible to care for the aforementioned misanthropic varmint. Oftentimes you will  accost the staff in the streets of Petaluma, both feeding and chaperoning this wretched creature.  To deepen the shame, staff is asked to return the discarded canine feces in a plastic container as a testament that he did his business faster* than chief TWiT before This Week in Tech.  In one of the great examples of Stockholm syndrome to date, the staff actually fight over this task. Where does it end, Asking to wash #soupguzzler’s underwear?

The humiliation of TWiT staff needs to stop. JammerB is sixty years old and one of the highest trained personnel. Can he please be relieved of making coffee for #soup and plugging in the host’s laptops for them? Every human being deserves a small amount of dignity.

*Previously reported here.

* *Edit Update* An unnamed Expert agreed that “making humans care for another human’s dog’s feces is an excellent tactic to transform the victim into exhibiting total submissive behavior.”

The laziness of “Triangulation”

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Tom Merritt is not the co-host of “Triangulation” any more. But the Twit Wiki insists otherwise.

“Triangulation” is an interview show that started out with much promise a few years back.
In a supreme example of Leo’s laziness, the official Twit Wiki STILL lists Tom Merritt as a co-host. Ha! Twit wishes.

Now the show is pretty much just Leo waddling in outrageously late and being completely unprepared to interview their own network contributors. Imagine NBC’s Brian Williams stumbling into the studio of “Nightly News” and asking his producers, “Well, which one of the camera operators am I talking to tonight?”

In one classic and widely-embarassing episode, Leo showed up 15 minutes late to interview Vint Cerf, the father of the Internet. THE FATHER OF THE INTERNET. Can you imagine?

Here’s an incomplete list of recent lame-ass “Triangulation” guests:

  • Steve Gibson, host of the Twit’s “Security Now”
  • Mary Jo Foley, hostess of the Twit show “Windows Weekly”
  • Kevin Rose, former “The Screensavers” midget
  • Jeff Jarvis, purple-faced paid spokesyeller for Google, and co-host of Twit’s “This Week in Google”

Who will be next, Dan the Nazi Mod? Padre the Large Priest? Ozzie the Ugly Dog? Come on Leo, step up your game. We are already familiar with your own hosts. We don’t need a “deep dive” into their history. It’s just lazy programming.

Analyzing TWiT Lgum Style

Lgum Style Analysis

I have looked at the TWiT hosts and noticed a striking difference between TWiT hosts and the hosts of Fox news. Now, we are not saying they should hire models, but we do ask that they have some pride in their appearance. Go on a diet, work out, you’re on my TV,  you work in media, be presentable. You don’t need a flat stomach like Sarah, but please, show some restraint when they serve dessert.

See the evidence for yourself and decide..

TWiT Hosts

Leo

Ech
Ech

FoX News

blond_women_of_fox

This is scientific unbiased research, draw your own conclusions.

Thank god for Sarah Lane.

Getting ready for the week ahead at Twit

So it’s shaping up to be an amazing week—let’s all be sure to make sure we’re ready for this. Be prepared. Give your best. Make America (and Canada and other parts of the world) proud and strong again. Create a legacy that your kids will be proud of.

Leo Laporte
Leo Laporte

Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody at Twit gives a sh*t. So why should we? F*ck it. Bring on the Orange Dancing Monkey and the Fat Ass Fancy Toilet Monster (Elgum and Leo) and let’s just get this thing over with.

Always be Reporting

I am away for the weekend, hence my lack of activity. However, I will not let #drama down. I have conducted an official survey on the entity known as Gumbot and am about to publish my results.
So here they are:

Since Jan 1:

Total Sick days: 0
Total vacation days:0
Total personal days:0
Total speaking flubs: 782 (shitrix counts twice)

As a scientist I do not offer anything but data and will not, I repeat will not, make any conclusions based on said data.mike-elgan