Apple better watch out!

The difference between the philosophy of Apple & Google was never more pronounced then when the two companies released their set-top boxes and respective remotes. Compare these two remotes and you will discover everything about the souls of these two companies.

An elegant remote
An elegant remote, from a more civilized age.

Apple favored simple and avoided confusion like #soup avoids trolls. Their customer’s complaints were always why can’t you; add an app store, add games, add web browsing, add anything? Apple would just say, “no, three buttons is plenty. We will give you more buttons in a few years. We eventually gave you notifications on your iPhone, and copy-and-paste, so relax kids.”

Is this calculus?
Is this calculus?

Conversely, Google could not say “no” to any function. Any engineer could walk up to the lead engineer with an idea and it would be incorporated into the product. My god, look at that thing, have they no sense of what normal non-engineer mammals are like?

I just perused the Apple Watch guide available in iBooks and I instinctively made myself crib-notes to cheat on any surprise pop-quiz. Apple is straying too far. Tap crown, double tap crown, long hold crown, tap side button, double tap it, tap screen, force tap, tap and hold, long tap, scroll crown, swipe up, down, sideways, drag. #WTF

In 2010, there would have been zero third party apps, one button, and much less functionality. Simple.

Will there be math on this text? You said no math.
Will there be math on this test? You said no math.

Funky Smell Causes Shut-Ins to Revolt

Love me or I kill you
Love me or I kill you

It was announced last night that the GizWiz was cancelled. Or, if you speak TWiT; GizWiz is transitioning into an expansion off the network.

Chad had a lovely dinner with Leo and ceO but we can not confirm what was discussed. What we do know  is that Gizwiz is moving to an independent model with  help from TWiT.

“Help from TWiT”

What is going on? Surely Chad knows how to set-up a Patreon on his own. Is TWiT chipping in cash,  out of the goodness of their heart? Is TWiT getting a cut of the profits? [speculation] More likely this is an experiment to help determine if TWiT can combine the Patreon model into the TWiT network somehow. Imagine if MBW got money from fans, in addition to advertising, under the illusion of paying the hosts more and then subsequently guess-who keeps the bulk of the contributions! Patreon will be soiled and made unpure.

Obviously #totaldrama is unable to throw our support at this Patreon without the murky details.

Padre was on hand for the taping of Chad’s final appearance on GizWiz to supply fake laughter and help control the sheep.

<+PadreSJ> eric######, do you even read what you write? Chad wasn't fired. The show wasn't cancelled. Nobody is upset... but you want it to seem as if Chad was canned, DickyD was forced out and there's bad blood. -- I'm just tired of the constant negativity.

Also, Sarah wasn’t fired from IPT & they’re working on a show for Shannon

[21:35] <eric#####> congrats, never /ignored a host before

Look at this, a member of TWITLIVE has a spine, congrats to you sir

 <&Dan> eric##### you may want to consider getting a life someday.  i let you troll in here for a good 2+ hours

He let you speak and talk and even emoji, how bout thanking him, Eric

 <@ScooterX> Cere####: FYI: thegizwiz is NOT off the network, he will be featured on The New Screen Savers and the Giz Fiz is not gone. <@ScooterX> as well as TTG weekly

Translation: You stupid fan, get with the program

 <&Dan> you don't think i'm reading what you're writing, holmes? :) <&Dan> i left, went somewhere, come back, and you're still taking little 3rd grade girl potshots

Sexist? Insults? Family friendly? Where did he go? Bathroom? 

Thank god for Instagram. The only place I can go to be free of trolls.

This post is brought to you by our new sponsor who we loooove. They’re so great. Offercode:Drama I got 2 wives from them:

Google to Sell Milk

Search Milk?
Search Milk?

On the heels of their foray into the wireless service industry, Google Inc announced it will be entering the dairy game. Google will be buying milk farms across Montana and selling Google branded Milk. Google cows will only be fed natural grass. The milk will be available for  purchase by December 2015 in a beta program.

The milk will be sold at a cost equal to 85% of the price of other milk brands. Google will not be making any profit on the milk. In order to be eligible to buy the milk you must have Google set as your default search engine and use an android phone.

Asked for comment the professor said, “This is great, Google cares about people drinking milk. Google is not exercising monopoly power”
Asked for comment the Gum said, “It is a free country and people will benefit by cheaper milk. Google is not exercising monopoly power”

Daity Queen, Maines Own and 365 Milk have all announced plans to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day

The mic was accidentally left on and some details about the inner workings of TWiT came out. It seems they gave the WW hosts a raise and MJ thanked TWiT and made a lighthearted comment comparing the show’s pay to what she gets per article. The comment was relayed to #Soup and this is what was overheard.

TWiT Employee Hilton's  salary was not disclosed
TWiT Employee Hilton’s salary was not disclosed

Here comes the shocking part. This is the craziest thing I have ever seen or heard. I think Leo told the truth. WW gets about 60,000 DL and at 70CPM that is $4,200 per ad. They average about two ads per show so they make a about $8,400 a show. Paul and MJ get about $420 an episode (each) which is about 10%.

I do not have the where-with-all to go into if 10% of gross is fair or if this is true regarding other shows. Nor will I delve into what happened when Gina quit, did Jeff get a raise? I do not know how they handle three hosts vs two host split. Nor did I compare it to the quote that IPT costs 400K over 3 years.

I am in shock.

The paradox of paradoxes

The following was sent to me from Captain Juno. The Captain is afraid and receiving threats.

Is he in danger
Is he in real danger?

The captain has made all his videos private (except one) due to these threats. We must unite and get YouTube to change its policies. This bill cosby (if that is his real name) is a troll. Junogate is out of control.

Update 1: In case anyone missed the point. The Captain is not a victim of online harassment. The Captain is not in fear for his life.  YouTube, Twitter and every other online service do not need to change their policies. People are silly on the internet and say silly stuff. Ignore it. We do not need the YouTube API to write an anti-troll script.

Update2: I am sad to report that Captain Juno was killed in a car bombing.

Update 3: Just kidding

Happy Times

What a wonderful moment for the TWiT family.

Leo was humble throughout the broadcast as he kindly took the loving fans on a genuine ride through the history of TWiT. He was magnanimous as he thanked Jason Howell, Colleen, JammerB, Chad, Eileen, DeBartolo, Dane, Steve Gibson and Paul Thurott. (He developed an odd cough when thanking people) He cajoled his panel and told them how much of a fan he is of theirs. He asked Roger Chang if he was still doing that show, whose title he forgot, and then told Rog how much he loves that show. His dear friends including Kevin Rose, Morgan Webb and Chris Pirillo sent in video congratulations.

JCD may have gotten himself banned once again from TWiT, until he is needed to appear on a show.
JCD may have gotten himself banned once again from TWiT

The chat room’s heart filled with sentiment as John C. Dvorak recalled some old stories and watched videos from great days of long ago. One such moment saw JCD reminisce on the time they filmed the show from the Apple store and Leo refused to invite over the famous female Podcaster [Leo hated.] (Odds: 3-2 Veronica, 5-2 Cali, 6-1 Molly) Then there was my favorite segment when he thanked the fans. He could not do it without them and their continued support.

TWiT Employee Hilton was not thanked
TWiT Employee Hilton was not thanked

TWiT went on to shock the fans with the announcement of the New Screen Savers. He promised us amazing hosts from Kevin Rose and Kate Botello to whomever.  Journalist/friend Jason Hiner published his #scoup/puff-piece detailing the event as soon as it was announced. After the show Padre came out to sit with Leo and bask in the glow of Leo. They spoke of the show they are creating for the fans and how great it will be. Leo told Padre how he thought he will be Pope one day.

I wish I could express how I felt in words but as I am fortunes favored fool I came across a video that summed up how I and the whole panel felt:

Notable absentees were great friend Kevin Spacey, the dark triangle, dear friends and sponsors, Alan Mulally  CEO FORD Motors,  Lynda Founder, Bill Harris CEO Personal Capital, Carbonite CEO and other loves who happen to be sponsors.

Screenshot 2015-04-22 17.49.44

The New Screen Savers Video Leaked

We are proud to release the world premiere trailer of the disaster.

Well, it looks like they went all out hiring no one. They are apparently putting everyone who is already salaried to work on an additional show and paying them no additional money. The intro is cheezy but well produced.

We are hoping for segments like:

  • DubStep with Mike Elgan
  • More drones with father Robert
  • Travel coupons with Jonny Jet
  • Off Site producing tips with OMGChad
  • Can Megan and Jason please leave work early to see their kids?

Anyway we will be too busy watching this new show:

 totaldrama once again pays its respects to for the #scoup, we should hire their ace reporter.

GIZWIZ TO Be Cancelled

After many years, it looks like forced retirement for long time TWiT contributor Dick Debartolo. Chad is leaving Petaluma and the GizWiz did not make enough money to justify its continuation with another replacement host. Show business is a business after all. Unless Leo can get Padre to host another show for free, the slapstick gadget program is Kaput. We expect the retirement communique to be postponed until after this Sunday’s surprise announcement of the Screen Savers reboot. Leo will not let Dicky’D take away from the Sunday self-love-fest. Good timing Chad!

Off-site producing not paying the bills?
Off-site producing not paying the bills?

Maybe he can announce Dick as a contributor to the ScreenSavers to fool the fans? Maybe make Dick the Head Writer? Maybe pay him a stipend like TWiT is doing for Matt Ingram appearances on TWiG? Well, one less show to cancel when they bolt the place up for good I guess. I for one am looking forward to the spindoctor spinning this one. Remember, everything is great and they are doing great. Happy happy happy you asshole fans, HAPPY WE SAID.

*This story broke on the skyrocketing blog

Diamond Club Sweeps Podcast Awards

I'll huff and I'll puff
I’ll huff and I’ll puff

Once upon a time there was a very clever wolf who spotted some delicious looking grapes high up in a tree. The shrewd wolf tried everything to get at those grapes. He howled as he tried to learn to climb a tree,  he flung what he could at the grapes and he tried to shake the grapes loose.  But he couldn’t get the grapes. Eventually, he gave up, walked away and muttered, “sour grapes anyway!”

TWiT Employee Hilton could not be reached for comment
TWiT Employee Hilton could not be reached for comment

Diamond Club swept the 2015 Podcast Awards; Night Attack won two awards, DTNS won and Frogpants won, it was a Bona-fide shellacking.  Ever the bitter, ugly step sister, TWiT mods went on to tell their chat room that the trouncing  was the result of an illicit script and they all but accused <> of cheating. Had Elgun been nominated and subsequently lost, we expect he would have shifted the blame to Chinese hackers but alas TNT was not nominated. (Nominations may have been compromised by the Russians following the China model.)

Adam Curry succumbed to the propaganda and neglected his mission of propagating the truth, as he faithfully repeated the mantra about a magic script and the haters, on his No Agenda podcast. Even J.C.D., the 4th place winner of the ‘2014 Sexiest People in Tech award,’ complained about the haters. JCD, what if people claimed you were really only the 8th sexiest, how would you feel?  Why not just complain that Diamond Club fans have higher powered graphics cards and better track wheels in their mice?

It is fan voting and the fans voted, deal.

If #TotalDrama ever lost an award we would be gracious. I know this in my heart of hearts.