Ladies and Gentlemen the votes are in. Here ye, Here ye, may the court come to order, THE VOTES ARE IN! They have been carefully tabulated and then adjusted for error. (We received a few emails from people who meant to vote for Sarah but accidentally cast their votes for the wrong name and we amended said votes.) At #TotalDrama we leave no stone unturned for our fans. So without further ado, may we present the Top Ten Tech Hotties of 2014:
#10 — Shannon ‘Snubs’ Morse
This hi-tech hottie has been seen flying drones and hacking systems all around San Francisco and her talent has taken her to the No. 10 spot on our list of Top Ten Tech Hotties. You may be inclined to attempt sneaking into her panties, but with her hacking skillz you may be surprised to discover that it’s Shannon who got in your pants pocket. Watch those zippers, boys! Because once it comes down, it may not come back up until she’s finished “coding.”
#9 — Mark Milian
This scruffy little devil is known far and wide as one of the most engaging and entertaining men in the tech sphere. Mark’s boyish good looks—paired with his deep rambling voice—make for a one-two punch that can leave even the most staid viewer in a quivering puddle. But don’t let his laid-back demeanor throw you, for under that adorable mop top is a brain that works overtime to deliver the insight that fans crave.
#8 — Marissa Mayer!
Oooh baby baby, oooh baby baby! Being CEO may not seem like a job for a Premier Hottie, but in 2014, Marissa showed us that women can have it all! While a Yahoo email address may be kind of embarrassing these days, having a poster of this Grand Dame of Tech on your wall would not be anything to snicker at. BTW, Nice skirt, Marissa!
#7 — Amber MacArthur
Appearing opposite the legendary lady Sarah Lane every week is a tall order for most Canadians, but not for our delicious Amber. Getting to know social media with this blond bombshell (sporting a pair of ruby red lips) is not a bad way to spend an afternoon. She’s a Grade-A specimen of womankind with quite the penchant for Facebook. Amber stole our hearts the moment we heard her say, “Foursquare.”
#6 — Greg Ferenstein
Ladies love men who couldn’t care less and “Treadmill Guy” is no exception. Not much is known about this hero of the common man other than he can’t be bothered to get off his treadmill when appearing on sub-par shows such as Elgum’s lousy TNT show.
#5 — Jolie O’Dell
This voluptuous vixen of a tech reporter can make even the unbearable Leo Laporte bearable for most tech nerds. What with those fiery eyes and that wicked curl of a smile…plenty of football jocks would trade in their cleats for an iPhone 6. Making her online persona disappear is something this darling seems to do every other week, but after a quick gander at the photo above, we decided to let that infraction slide.
#4 — John C. Dvorak
John C Dvorak has been a tech sex symbol since most of you were in grade school. But with his come-hither eyes and devious smile he has been known to make quite a few ladies burst their bustline with desire. Being half of the hunky heart-throb team from “No Agenda” is no problem at all for JCD, he can handle that and a pair of Sansabelt slacks without breaking a sweat. As JCD pours the wine he’ll be reaching into your psyche—ready to unleash his sexy snake and you’ll definitely be feeling all of him “in the mornin.”
#3 — Veronica Belmont
Gaming and book reading have gone wild with this well-respected cutie emeritus. Is there a gamer out there that has not tried to impress this sweetie with a spectacle of a Skyrim high score? Veronica has frustrated young gamer-boys as if she was Comcast phone support operator on-the-line with a customer. And what a surprise, in a never-before-seen twist, our #3 hottie is best buds with our #2 hottie. And as everyone knows, 3+2=Perfection.
#2 — Tom Merritt
Tom’s blue eyes and fetching facial hair make watching your daily tech news a real treat. And delivering the tech news is what he does best. If you want your news filled with tech, and you want it served daily and you want it on a show, then the Daily Tech News Show is for you. After setting out on his own, Tom just seems to get sexier with each new Patreon supporter. Beard Power Forever!
#1 — Sarah Lane
The runaway winner at #1 was no surprise to our fans. She makes watching a woman getting allegedly sexually harassed by a fat obese glutton a fun way to spend a Monday during the weekly taping of “iPad Today.” Most software engineers end up working with hardware when this feline-loving female gets finished with her favorite tech diction. Congratulations, Sarah! Your radiant beauty, flawless hair and your grace under fire has not only garnered you the No. 1 spot on this year’s Top Ten Tech Hotties of 2014 list, but has landed you the No. 1 spot in our hearts.
Although GhostDog has his name on the byline, this survey and article could not have been completed without the tireless work of our entire staff of employees and volunteers. A special thanks to Helloworld who would not rest until the flair that makes #td.o what it is, was up to snuff.
The actual vote count before adjustments is here: