The ever-insensitive and tone-deaf Leo Laporte has used Robin Williams’ sad passing as an excuse to tell his “MacBreak Weekly” audience that the Academy Award-winning actor’s death “was felt more keenly in the Bay Area.” Leo, please. Get a grip. Not everything needs to point back to you and your show.
A longtime TWiT watcher said he was shocked by Leo’s apparent lack of empathy. Upon learning of this transgression of basic human decency, the unnamed source said, “His sad devotion to steering content toward Search Engine Optimization (SEO) began with the hiring of Lgum and his attendant 3 million G+ bot fans, but has since sunk to a new low by attempting to squeeze a tragic death into a completely irrelevant show description. Not only is it a sad day for Mr. Williams’ family, and for America, but also for Leo’s integrity.”
TWiT might sell itself under Gazelle’s “Cash For Trash” deal.
Just like Gazelle encourages you to sell your old gadgets for cash, so too, is Leo considering dumping his aging network on the gadget-buying company. “It’s just time to get rid of this old piece of shit. Sure when I first founded the company it was good. But now it’s just basically garbage,” said a visibly disturbed Leo between gulps of Italian Wedding soup.
Sources say that Leo ‘n’ Lisa have run the numbers—and it’s not lookin’ pretty for the creaky, out-of-touch tech network. So they’ve decided to sell it for whatever price Gazelle will offer; most likely at a steep loss.
Human barfbag and TWiT “CEO” Lisa Kentzell is rumored to have it out for every woman at TWiT that rates higher than a 3 on the internationally-recognized “Hottie” scale. She has subsequently put the kibosh on at least four potential female hires because they were considered too good looking and a real threat to Lisa’s grip on Leo.
Many in the know are relieved that Sarah Lane’s tenure at TWiT has not been cut short by Lisa’s vicious evil eye. For starters, Leo would be foolish not to recognize Sarah’s extraordinary talent; but more simply, Sarah was simply there before Lisa’s unfortunate arrival.
So watch your back, Tonya.
Girl, don’t get any plastic surgery or a new hairdo without Lisa’s approval. Because if you get even a hair’s breadth away from jazzing up your style, Lisa will axe your ass faster than Leo lickin’ up his liquid lunch.
The Twit Cottage, during the original “happy times” for the Twit network.
NCE UPON A TIME there was a simple man who broadcast his little tech show to thousands of adoring fans from a tiny cottage in an idyllic California town. That man was Leo Laporte. He shared the technology news from atop a bouncy ball that was soon to pop under the groaning weight of his late middle-aged fleshiness.
Little did we know, that that man would one day grow to be a cancer upon the zit of the pimple covering the melanoma that is new media in the 21st century. And nobody had any idea that his once infectious enthusiasm for teaching the liberating nature of tech would soon be adulterated (for lack of a better word) by an unaccomplished alleged gold-digger from loony-toon world.
Lisa “The Stringy-Haired Witch” Kentzell
If only we had had some sort of temporally-based contraption that could have transported us forward on the sea of time to present day, perhaps we could have foreseen the mess of a man that Leo would become. A failed marriage, a troubled family life and a stringy-haired freak of a CEO girlfriend…all horrors from which we would have gladly averted our eyes. I daresay that Leo himself would also choose to turn back the clock and return to that happier pre-Twit Brickhouse time. A time when he didn’t have to mislead his fans that “NatureBox is a healthy alternative,” or “SquareSpace is the best place for your new website,” even though Twit doesn’t even use them for Twit.tv. A time when he wasn’t overburdened with bothersome warehouse leases, pesky health-insurance-grubbing employees or loathsome Skype guests who don’t laugh at his jokes.
Unfortunately, we were unable to see into the future: There were no fortune-telling gypsies to show us the way, no crystal balls into which we could gaze for guidance. We have been left alone to suffer this desperate fate. And so it is that we band together here at #TotalDrama.
Come closer, friend. And let the fire of #truth light the way.
Site visits are at an all-time high at #TotalDrama
Even though the “Open For Business” sign has been out for less than two weeks, #TotalDrama has experienced unprecedented visitor numbers.
BREAKING NEWS: Welcome Twit Brickhouse staffers! Official server logs reveal in real-time that 1/3 of the visitors were coming from Petaluma. Hi Leo! Hi Elgum! Hi Tricaster!
Hello Petaluma visitors!
Site contributor Richard Yes said, “The site gets just under two million visitors a day.” Mr. Yes, in demonstrating an amazing ability to stretch the truth, gained from hours of watching the master, Leo Laporte, noted that, “What’s more remarkable, however, is the fact that these are all unique visits with site engagement at historic highs.”
Congrats to the team at #TotalDrama and keep up the good work!
Today on the TWiT livestream, Leo showed fake concern for Padre’s career: “You are so smart and talented; you have no competition,” Leo said after it came to light that Padre may have been called to serve by the Vatican once again. It has been alleged that Padre refused to serve before; so being asked twice should be taken as a sign that the portly priest may soon need to pack his bags and depart for Rome.
Defy the orders of a Pope at your own peril, Padre.
If it does indeed come to pass that the rotund reverend has a new job, then Padre might want to watch his language. Pope Francis is widely regarded as a pretty cool dude, but I don’t think he allows this kind of language at the Holy See…
OH: "yeah I'm fat… & when LA falls into the Pacific, my fat will keep me warm & floating past your bloated, skinny-ass-drowned corpse!"
Occasionally we here at #TotalDrama like to remind our readers of a few essential truths in life: The sun rises in the east, Leo Laporte is a heaving mass of unfunny racist accents, and Sarah Lane is an angel.
Sarah Lane on vacation in France.
Without Sarah Lane, the TWiT network would seep into hell under the massive talentless weight of their loser hosts. Bless you, Sarah Lane. For you are the light of TWiT, the brightest talent; without which darkness would surely reign.
So let’s raise our glasses to the stunning Sarah. I’ll drink to that!
Tom Merritt is not the co-host of “Triangulation” any more. But the Twit Wiki insists otherwise.
“Triangulation” is an interview show that started out with much promise a few years back.
In a supreme example of Leo’s laziness, the official Twit Wiki STILL lists Tom Merritt as a co-host. Ha! Twit wishes.
Now the show is pretty much just Leo waddling in outrageously late and being completely unprepared to interview their own network contributors. Imagine NBC’s Brian Williams stumbling into the studio of “Nightly News” and asking his producers, “Well, which one of the camera operators am I talking to tonight?”
In one classic and widely-embarassing episode, Leo showed up 15 minutes late to interview Vint Cerf, the father of the Internet. THE FATHER OF THE INTERNET. Can you imagine?
Here’s an incomplete list of recent lame-ass “Triangulation” guests:
Steve Gibson, host of the Twit’s “Security Now”
Mary Jo Foley, hostess of the Twit show “Windows Weekly”
Kevin Rose, former “The Screensavers” midget
Jeff Jarvis, purple-faced paid spokesyeller for Google, and co-host of Twit’s “This Week in Google”
Who will be next, Dan the Nazi Mod? Padre the Large Priest? Ozzie the Ugly Dog? Come on Leo, step up your game. We are already familiar with your own hosts. We don’t need a “deep dive” into their history. It’s just lazy programming.
So it’s shaping up to be an amazing week—let’s all be sure to make sure we’re ready for this. Be prepared. Give your best. Make America (and Canada and other parts of the world) proud and strong again. Create a legacy that your kids will be proud of.
Leo Laporte
Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody at Twit gives a sh*t. So why should we? F*ck it. Bring on the Orange Dancing Monkey and the Fat Ass Fancy Toilet Monster (Elgum and Leo) and let’s just get this thing over with.
A typical screen grab of TNT with Elgum appearing with an unnatural hue the color of a Florida orange and the guest showing up as an afterthought in the color balance game.
Since the dawn of color television in the early 1950s, continuing through the late 1960s with the wide adoption of color televisions in American homes, broadcast network engineers have taken pride in presenting a vibrant and dazzling world of color. Professional broadcasters pay special attention to proper color balancing, constantly adjusting for subtle differences in shade and tone.
Jeff Jarvis appears purple on “This Week in Google.”
At Twit, however, exactly the opposite seems to be the order of the day. For reasons that have yet to be addressed, it is impossible for Twit to present the show hosts and guests in consistent and realistic color. From episode to episode of “This Week in Google,” for example, co-host Jeff Jarvis appears as either purple, light purple, pink, or dark pink and rotates from one moment to the next in a never-ending merry-go-round of washed out or sickly underexposed positions.
To further the unpleasant color viewing experience, Elgum can do nothing else than appear as an orange-faced monkey. In stark contrast, his guests can be relied upon to appear as either too dark, too light, too blue or in some cases barely even visible. (See photo above.)
So one would think that with a near total domination of white men showing up on every show, it should be easy for TNT to get the color balance right. Just imagine how the brains would be melting in Petaluma if staff were called upon to actually color balance an African-American woman’s skin tone with the putrid orange of Elgum’s face.
Come on, Leo. Take a little pride in your company and demand better of your engineering staff. Viewers deserve it and I’m certain the advertisers would appreciate being part of a more professional network.
Seriously? Elgum is an orange. And the co-host is a white sheet, slightly tinged with purple. Nice.
Exposing The Dark Underbelly of TWiT, Leo Laporte, and Failed CEO Lisa Laporte
