Quality control hits new low at TWiT

To save money, "This Week in Computer Hardware" was posted without an audio track.
To save money, “This Week in Computer Hardware” was posted without an audio track.

We all know that in tough times, hard decisions must be made. And TWiT is not immune to the vagaries of the tech economy. A recent downturn in advertising has forced Leo ‘n’ Lisa to cut back on everything from employee access to the freebie NatureBox swag, to healthcare for new hires.

But in a new low—even for the notoriously miserly Leo Laporte—”This Week in Computer Hardware” is presented without an audio track. It’s unclear as of press time if the error was intentional or just the result of the video editing staff being overworked to the point of exhaustion. CEHo Lisa Kentzell has said that no stone will be left unturned in looking for cost savings. It might have been determined that leaving out the audio track could have saved upwards of $.05 a show; a savings that the stringy-haired homewrecker might not have been able to pass up.

TWiT watcher and #TotalDrama contributor Richard Yes said, “Making the editors work nights, instead of spending time with their loved ones, seems to have paid off. Great work Team TWiT.”

Update: THEY PULLED THE PAGE DOWN IN SHAME.

Update 2: Comment from Leo Laporte on the Twitlive chatroom:

<Leo> producers and editors are supposed to make sure the files are correct before they go home
<Leo> Hey I pay these guys a lot!
TWiT has pulled the link to the original show page, so we’ve removed the non-working link. But trust us, they had a show up that was an hour of no audio.
Update 3: OK. Hold on to your hats everybody. The link is back UP. But the audio is STILL missing.
Update 4: Aw crap. They fixed it for good this time.

Robot toilet to host new TWiT show

Inspired by Leo's fancy toilet at home, Lisa Kentzell has announced that a robot toilet will host a new TWiT show.
Inspired by Leo’s fancy toilet at home, Lisa Kentzell has announced that a robot toilet will host a as-yet-unnamed new TWiT show.

As the cost-cutting bloodbath continues unabated at TWiT HQ, Leo ‘n’ Lisa have decided to announce the launch of yet another TWiT show. “We’ve decided that technology will take a back seat to more human needs,” said CEHo Lisa Kentzell. “Instead of hiring a competent African-American female host, we’ve decided to go in another direction and focus more on how robots are actually not that different from us.” Another benefit, besides the robot toilet being white, is that the Megatron Bowel Blaster 3000 will be required to work late on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The name for the new show has yet to be determined, but inside sources say that Leo is close to squeezing out the final choice this weekend. #TotalDrama is confirming, however, that the first guest on the robot’s new show will be Mike Elgum.

Beauty and the Beast

“The Social Hour,” the lovely Sarah Lane’s social media-focused show, has been invaded by Tonya Hall and her gigantic body-covering laptop. See for yourself just how much of a joke Tonya’s humongous computer is by clicking on the image below. Instead of facing the music and joining a gym, Tonya has doubled down on the DoubleStuf. In the end however, the fullness of Tonya was on complete display as TWiT’s cruel camera operators shot her from the side. Must be rough gettin’ fucked with on your own show.

You can run, but you can't hide Tonya.
You can run but you can’t hide, Tonya.

#TotalDrama begins first phase of fundraising campaign

#TotalDrama is happy to announce the first phase of a massive fundraising campaign: “T-SHIRTS THAT CARE.” This pioneering effort intends on raising $2 billion to fund the buyout of TWiT’s headquarters in Petaluma, Calif. If we raise enough money, we can buy the Shit Twithouse and kick Leo and company out in the street. Without a place to broadcast their shows, Mike Elgum would have to go out and get a real job.

Please support this worthwhile campaign by purchasing the reasonably-priced t-shirt with lovely TNT-inspired design today! We hope you will find it in your heart to purchase five or six. You can use them as spaghetti strainers or for cleaning up soup spills. Some of our readers are even planning on wearing them!

Click here for all the deets. 

TWiT watchers clamor for ban on fugly facial hair

A groundswell of protest is rising up from TWiT watchers worldwide  after the appearance of The Next Web writer Josh Ong on a recent episode of the deeply-flawed “Tech News Today” program.

Elgum invited the scraggly-chinned reporter on to talk about some useless iPhone app that nobody cares about and what viewers were treated to was a nearly 12-minute visual eyerape courtesy of Josh’s gross goatee. Please tweet Josh at @beijingdou to tell him to give his nasty facial hair a rest by either shaving, or not appearing on TNT ever again.

Thanks in advance, Josh!

josh-ong
The nastiness on TNT
josh-ong2
A close-up of the horror show

All in a Day’s Work

Hey, look at the pretty trees and feel that wonderful sunshine! Well, on an otherwise lovely Wednesday afternoon, it looks as if Leo and CEO/GF Lisa Kentzell have taken once again to ruining the lives of TWiT program editors. Thinking it could help stave off dwindling profits, and on a whim over three hamburgers with fries—Leo and his gal Lisa, the dysfunctional management team, decided to upend a few young lives and make all the peons work late as a permanent schedule change. The sound was muffled (see video below) by pieces of hamburger and fries, but Leo was heard to say, “It’s just a scheduling thing.” Why not?

The lovely and talented Sarah Lane

An unnamed and clearly distraught employee said, after learning of the change in late-night work schedules, “I wouldn’t care, but the only time I am not miserable at work is when Sarah [Lane] walks by [be]cause she smells like flowers. Now I may never see her again.”

Thems the breaks, kids!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPNZUDzwjbM&feature=youtu.be

The #TotalDrama reporting team has been researching the hours worked by the beloved CEO/GF. In a preliminary investigation, it appears that she arrives at work by 11 a.m. and has been spotted scooting out the door as early as 4:20 p.m. But hey, there’s not that much to do at TWiT HQ in these stressful times. Is there?

Petaluma is not the picturesque paradise that Laporte purports

An eagle-eyed #TotalDrama fan sent us a tip today that has upended the view of the once-sedate Sonoma County enclave of Petaluma as a paradise on earth, as Leo often says.

The Petaluma360.com story, “Petaluma Pervert Spotted Peeping Into Windows,” has paralyzed some residents to such an extent that they have taken to the forums to express their anger and fear. A few are offering suggestions on how to deal with the problem.

Let’s hope they figure this out soon (and that Lisa has bail money for Leo).

Is Leo Laporte behind these crimes?
Is Leo Laporte behind these crimes?

“Nuremberg-style” trials to begin soon of entire TWiT staff

In light of TWiT’s crimes against humanity: the horrible color balance on every show; lack of co-host racial diversity; and general malfeasance toward viewers, the European Court of Human Rights has opened proceedings into bringing Leo Laporte and the entire staff of the troubled tech network to Brussels to answer for their immoral acts.

The accused include:

  • TWiT founder Leo “I Know Nothing” Laporte
  • CEHo Lisa “Sieg Heil” Kentzell
  • Chad “Jawohl mein Führer” Johnson
  • Jeff “Purple Hitler” Jarvis
  • Mike “Heinrich” Elgum

ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN and Fox News are all planning on sending correspondents. Lumber is reportedly running short in Brussels as they are erecting double-height gallows in anticipation of unanimous guilty verdicts.

An investigation into the TWiT b-holes

Everyone already knows that Leo Laporte is decidedly un-family friendly during any given week on the TWiT network. But did you know that he now has taken to expanding his licentious behavior around the clock? Leo doesn’t even need to be in-studio any more to spread his filth—the vileness persists courtesy of two obscene pictures of a human asshole on the TriCaster screens right in the middle of TWiT Master Control.

Behold, the horror of the TWiT Livestream B-holes:

The den of sin known was the Shit Twithouse has a disgusting feature: onscreen b-holes.
The den of sin known was the Shit Twithouse has a disgusting feature: onscreen b-holes.
Here's a close-up of the two b-holes.
Here’s a close-up of the two b-holes.

We’ve all been Goatsed by Leo for the past eight months.