All posts by HelloWorld

Head comedy writer and fan of Mark Milian

Be careful of the iPhone 6 Plus

Just a quick tip for those #TotalDrama fans who may be pre-ordering the biggest-size iPhone 6 Plus tonight (Midnight PST or 3 a.m. EST):

It's just too much of a risk getting the bigger iPhone 6 Plus. This fat head was never meant to be seen so large.
It’s just too much of a risk getting the bigger iPhone 6 Plus. This fat head was never meant to be seen so large.

The bigger screen will show Leo’s fat face so insanely huge, that you may suffer seizures, migraines, heart palpitations and runny stool. A safer approach would be to just pre-order the 4.7-inch “normal” iPhone 6. That way you can still have the latest Apple technology, but not risk seeing any of the TWiT content or blubbery hosts at too large a size.

Just imagine how gigantic Father Padre the Blobby Priest’s chubby cheeks would look if viewed from the larger screen. Unless you’re willing to shell out extra dough for the special Jony Ive Apple Leather Puke Bucket as an additional accessory, it’s best to stick with the more diminutive iPhone.

Good luck, and happy pre-ordering!

In honor of 9/11

Today is September 11.
In honor of one of the most horrific terrorist attacks the United States has ever known, we here at #TotalDrama bow our heads and pray for the continued good health of the nation.

God Bless the United States of America
God Bless the United States of America

Unfortunately, our sources are telling us that more attacks have been planned. We are preparing for the worst here in the #TotalDrama newsroom.

Just to clear up any possible confusion: We’re referring to September 11, 2014, the day that Leo Laporte decided to continue broadcasting his banal programming. Here’s the lineup of terrorist acts that we’re being told have already been launched for September 11, 2014:

1:00 p.m. TNT
2:00 p.m. Know How…
3:00 p.m. The Social Hour
4:30 p.m. Coding 101
5:30 p.m. Home Theater Geeks pre-recorded on 9/6
7:30 p.m. The Giz Wiz9:00 PM TWiCH
10:00 p.m. OMGcraft

We pray for the soul of the nation and beseech almighty God above that this passes without too much pain and suffering.
Use offer code “TWiT Al Qaeda.”

Mike Elgum has locked himself in the “Rape Room”

Ahead of Tuesday’s big announcements by Apple, Inc., reports have reached #TotalDrama’s ear that Mike Elgum has locked himself in the “Rape Room” to gather his thoughts.

Elgum is in the Rape Room preparing some bullshit stories about Apple ahead of Tuesday's big event.
Elgum is in the Rape Room preparing some bullshit stories about Apple ahead of Tuesday’s big event.

There is nothing quite like a TWiT Special Event that brings out the inane and irrelevant mumbling from the so-called news director. We’re expecting quite a load of lame jokes, a garbage pail of half-cocked commentary and a shit-ton of bizarre ass-licky attempts to curry favor with Leo. All of it—of course—will fall flat. But that’s not stopping Gumbot from hunkering down in the bunker and cobbling together a slew of shitty rants to throw at an unsuspecting livestream audience.

Shrewd TWiT watchers will be prepared with earplugs or will just tune in to the CNET to get the real story on Apple’s expected blockbuster tech news.

TWiT HQ built on top of ancient porn star burial ground

With Leo Laporte’s recent spate of decidedly non-family-friendly public statements, it has come to light that the ham-necked TWiT founder may not be entirely responsible for his actions.

Dead porn stars from the 1980s might be buried beneath TWiT HQ.
Dead porn stars from the 1980s might be buried beneath TWiT HQ.

It seems that TWiT HQ may be built on top of an ancient porn star burial ground. In the 1980s, as pornography studios proliferated across Southern California—in Los Angeles in particular—studio heads had to decide where to dump the bodies of dead porn stars after the industry was wracked by a secret AIDS scandal. It is rumored that up to 45 percent of the brunettes and nearly 65 percent of the blondes (both fake and real) succumbed to the dread disease. As a result, LA-area graveyards were filled to bursting with the infected, yet beautiful corpses.

After a nationwide search for alternate cemetery space, it was decided that Petaluma would become the dumping ground for these hot, but dead, porn stars. More specifically, 140 Keller St. was chosen as the largest of these open pits. So it appears that Leo might very well have been infected with the spirit of these departed sex film stars. What’s more, the vile phrases coming out of his mouth may just be the last ghostly breaths of the hot and loose actors of filmed sex-acts of days gone by.

We’re praying for you, Leo! If you need a good exorcist, contact your ex-wife. It worked getting you out of the house once before and it might very well work again in this case.

Tonya Hall to open up chain of Petaluma donut stores

She'll be eating the profits for sure.
She’ll be eating the profits for sure.

Tonya Hall, a.k.a. “Two Ton Tonya,” is thinking of opening up a chain of Petaluma-based donut shops. The rotund host is mulling various names, including:

  • Two Ton Tonya’s Tasty Treats
  • Tonya’s Dirty Donut Hole
  • Hot ‘n’ Nasty
  • The Donut Ho
  • Two Ton Tonya’s Sugary Snail Trail
  • Dunkin’ Blo-Nuts
  • The Big Empty Nothingness Inside and Outdoor Cafe

No word on the exact location as of yet, but it will doubtless be in easy waddling distance from Leo Laporte’s house.

Leo Laporte realizes that his career is in tatters

Leo Laporte has no idea what the kids are up to these days. And that will lead to his downfall.
Leo Laporte has no idea what the kids are up to these days. And that will lead to his downfall.

On “This Week in Google,” Leo Laporte realizes live on the air, that more people are watching people play games on Twitch.tv than tuning in to the crap shows on his own network.

At 5:30 p.m. EST Aug. 27, 2014 there were 260 live viewers of TWiG and nearly 127,000 live viewers watching one gamer on Twitch playing “League of Legends.”

“What was I thinking? Talking about intellectual stuff?” said Leo. “Nobody wants that!”

Welcome to the new world, Leo. A brave new world where the new media is getting supplanted by even newer media. Now get back to your old, boring shows and hawk some stupid mattresses.

Twitlive chatroom mods succeed in getting public WiFi locations perma-banned

Chatroom mods have succeeded in getting public WiFi locations around the world banned from #twitlive.
Chatroom mods have succeeded in getting public WiFi locations around the world banned from #twitlive.

Moderators for #twitlive, the official TWiT IRC chatroom, have succeeded in getting hundreds of public WiFi locations around the world permanently banned. Those perceived as IRC “trolls,” otherwise known as anyone who disagrees with anything on TWiT, are tweaking the network to such an extent that airport lounges, Starbucks from coast-to-coast, university common areas, and other similar areas are now off-limits to chatters. Congrats, mods! Your zeal has led to a much-diminished presence of wit and humor in #twitlive.

Jeff Jarvis still insisting that he doesn’t have a stick up his butt

Jeff Jarvis, world-famous Google-lover and journalism douche, continues to insist that he’s not a purple-faced Google shill with a stick up his ass.

But from the photo below, it’s plainly clear that Jarvis is indeed what he claims not to be; and it’s fun to use Google against Jarvis. Here’s what comes up when you search for, “Jeff Jarvis is an asshole.”

The purple-faced Jeff Jarvis
The purple-faced Jeff Jarvis

TNT now allowing anybody on the air

On today’s particularly more-lame-ass-than-usual “Tech News Today,” an unknown guest was allowed to give commentary for about four minutes (as seen on the left side of the picture below).

On closer inspection, the “guest” was discovered to be a light switch. The switch was still more insightful than either Mike Elgum or snaggletoothed guest-host Parmy Olson.

Apparently anybody can get on TNT now.
Apparently anybody can get on TNT now.
Here's a closer look.
Here’s a closer look.

Leo Laporte bans staff from using black iPhone

Leo Laporte, head of the rapidly-declining TWiT network, has reportedly banned his staff from using any model black iPhone. The infamously race-ranting Laporte has apparently put the kibosh on any iPhone other than the gold or white model.

Leo has banned black iPhones from TWiT HQ. They phones remind him too much of African-Americans.
Leo has banned black iPhones from TWiT HQ. The phones remind him too much of African-Americans.

Laporte, who has on numerous occasions practically taunted African-American guest hosts with racially-tinged phrases and questions, is rumored to be so against the darker-hued devices, that he’s taken to posting memos prior to the Sept. 9 launch of the latest Apple creation. “Attention Staff: Please remember that only white- or gold-colored iPhones are permitted within TWiT HQ. Your compliance is appreciated. Any Android device of any color is permitted, however as those phones are hopeless anyway,” says one such memo that is posted in the TWiT staff kitchen.