Tag Archives: everything is (still) fine

Misc

TWiT’s Sponsor List Absolutely Gutted for 2019

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Problems are ramping up for everyone’s favorite tech network. We recently covered the story of three more TWiT shows being cancelled, and now it appears that TWiT has lost nearly 40% of its sponsors going into 2019.



Disgraced actor Kevin Spacey chimes in

A comparison of the Google cache from December 2018 to the current list for January 2019 shows that even more sponsors have decided to bail on the “netcast network“. We have been tracking sponsor exits for some time using the informative website boycott-twit.com, but this month the net losses are extremely troubling. Even Kevin Spacey (Leo Laporte’s good friend) was overheard saying (in Frank’s voice) “I thought I was fucked, but TWiT is royally fucked!“. Spacey then lifted a chalice and symbolically toasted Leo Laporte.

Henry Laporte settles into his new career

We at TotalDrama had high hopes that Hank Laporte’s nepotistic placement into the sales team would put TWiT on a better path, but not even the profound philosopher himself is going to be enough to save TWiT. The best he can do to secure his financial future is to begin taking hardware home at night and hope nobody notices.

So for now the 24/7 tech network pipe dream will continue. The past failures of ZDTV, TechTV and G4 will not deter Leo and Lisa Laporte. They are positive they can succeed where three other corporations have failed… three corporations that had access to unlimited capital at the time. We at TotalDrama don’t take pleasure in TWiT’s imminent demise. Most news agencies that only cover one company would have packed up half their shit by now, but we remain committed to seeing this out until the last employee is fired and the locks on the front door are changed.

Special thanks to the anonymous tipster who provided the photo of Leo Laporte riding his overpriced and obsolete Segway PT. If you see anything newsworthy please (1) visit our chat room, or (2) leave an anonymous comment below, or (3) submit a tip by clicking on “Feedback & Tips” to the right. Thank you for continuing to support independent journalism.

Misc

More TWiT Shows Put Out Of Their Misery (Merry Christmas edition)

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TotalDrama has received hundreds (if not thousands) of tips the past few days alerting us to the announcement that three more TWiT shows have been euthanized on the network (thank you tipsters)

Latest TWiT “underperforming shows”

We would like to send out our heartfelt condolences to Know How, This Week in Law, and The New Screen Savers for not being good enough for even TWiT’s most courageous sponsors. The cancellation of TNSS hits this writer particularly hard because it was segments like the UGM PC build that turned me into a savage die-hard TNSS fan.

You may recall we previously covered show cancellations in past articles Hurricane Lisa will not stop until TWiT is destroyed and the Francis Ford Crappola’s cinematic masterpiece In Memoriam 2: Remembering those we’ve lost at TWiT.. This time around CEO Lisa Laporte insists the cancelled shows are simply “on hiatus”. But we’ve seen those words used before with Marketing Mavericks. In a follow-up post Lisa Laporte advised us of new start times for the remaining Thursday and Friday shows. At this time TWiT is not merging all the remaining shows to Thursday and giving the slaves a second day off.

Suspicious TotalDrama employee “Steve”

It’s possible that these late-2018 cancellations are simply a stopgap measure to ensure there is adequate money for the 2019 Vacation Fund™. But several writers on the TotalDrama editorial team were not satisfied with this simplistic conclusion, insisting Occam’s razor did not apply in this case.

So staff took it upon themselves to spend days analyzing every show video looking for possible explanations. After crunching the numbers they came up with the following hypothesis:

And while we were finally able to reach Hilton Goring for comment after all these years, our fucking journalistic standards do not allow us to print what he said. But Hilton wanted to thank TotalDrama for giving his name enough Google juice to offset the institutional racism that exists in the video production every industry. You’re welcome! Say hi to Bigg Pwee for us.

From everyone at TotalDrama… Merry Christmas and Happy New Year… and stories will be coming more frequently in 2019.

Thanks go out to Johnny_Drama and the anonymous tipsters who provide a lot of the story leads for this website. If you see anything newsworthy please (1) visit our chat room, or (2) leave an anonymous comment below, or (3) submit a tip by clicking on “Feedback & Tips” to the right.