Category Archives: Tech

Apple Watches Are Not Douchbagery

I am currently working on an expose’ on Elon musk. I had down time so I did an official Apple Watch guide to set the record straight. Google fans, look away. Also, Helloworld pointed out immediately when this watch was introduced that the crown/dial should have been centered. He is right, it is oft putting.

Sporty Spice

Don't look like a hog, go for a jog
Don’t look like a hog,  go for a jog

The sport model is cute, if you’re in high school or an actual full-time professional athlete. For everyone else, get the sport band as an accessory (to switch on when you work out,) you’re not a child and you may wear grown-up clothing like a button down shirt one day. This is not android wear, you must start with the mid level watch. The good news is; that means  you only have to choose a band.

On to the band played on.

Cracker Jack prize?
Cracker Jack prize?

This first style is comical, it looks like a watch you get from one of those $0.25 gum ball machines with prizes. And like those rigged machines, you always regret it after you spend mommy’s money. If you find yourself attracted to this style, just get a Casio.

2Watches8x1024This thing on the left could be the ugliest thing Apple ever designed. You know Jonny Ive’s assistant did that disaster. It looks like a watch you find between couch cushions. The one on the right will smell. Both clasps are totally unsecured so watch where you walk.

This one here ain’t bad. Plain and clean. (Classic Buckle)

Closer but not perfect

Finally, (below) we see a watch that is elegant. The perfect accent to a perfect suit. The accessory to turn khakis and a Hilfiger shirt into a complete outfit. Put on a pair jeans and a t-shirt but make sure the world knows you’ve got it where it counts. If you can pull it off, go for the pink. Me, I’m getting blue. (Modern Buckle)

Classy like TD.O
Classy like TD.O

Lastly, if you can afford an Edition, get it. And if you want to know which one to get, here it is. The red Ferrari of Apple watches. Don’t worry if DBag Kevin Rose thinks you’re a douchebag.

Ooooooh yea
Tap that Gûm  (photo by

No One Cares

The angle of 'like thumb moving to 97' Degrees
The angle of ‘like thumb moving to 97’ Degrees

Why would anyone care about your stupid website and apps. It is the same site that it was in 2007. You got lucky and hit the jackpot with your website. Congratz, now go spend your money and g’bye Mark.

You’re not that smart and your vision of the future is meaningless. You have no impact on anything or anyone. Stop pretending to be Steve Jobs. And put a shirt on, you’re not playing Xbox with your roommate.

I don’t understand the HBO-Apple Deal

Friendship is Magic
Friendship is Magic

Everyone knew HBO would go cable free. It was not complicated math. As soon as the amount of expected (cablefree) subscription revenue was greater than the lost cable revenue from going over the top, HBO would be off to the races. Now, HBO is owned by people who own other channels so if people ditch cable it hurts other revenue. HBO is a lynchpin in peoples decision to get cable. Therefore it is more complicated with more variables but it essentially is just a question of how to make the most money.

The nonsense about HBO getting free marketing from cable companies is just that; nonsense. Game of Thrones generates ten times the marketing that their dumb ads do. They were pretty conservative in waiting so long but the time to go was here and everyone expects the other networks to follow. They are like cows and just follow the herd. Ask the cable installers, kids do not get cable, HBO could not wait much longer. But the Apple deal still makes no sense to me.

No way will he do it
No way will he do it

Apple forked over some cash to be the exclusive HBO Now partner for three months. What does Apple get for their hard earned cash? Are they expecting people to buy apple phones and throw android phones away in these three months? Um no, people who currently have HBO can wait the three months to ditch cable and people without cable obviously don’t want HBO that badly. Are they getting rid of inventory? That is ridiculous. The company has excellent inventory control and I doubt selling a $69 device is that big a deal. And if the big Apple-subscription launch is in June, as well as a new rumored device, why not wait? And I don’t understand the other side of the deal, what does HBO get, besides some cash? Wouldn’t they want everyone to be able to buy HBO Now and not just Apple owners. I don’t get it. Why are they limiting the launch, It feels like I am missing something.

Disney owns Aol who owns TechCrunch who owns....
Disney owns Aol who owns TechCrunch who owns the lovely and talented….

There is going to be a big fight for space on TV or however people are watching shows. Yahoo, Amazon, AOL and everyone else has a lot to gain. Fox, ABC, Disney etc have a lot to lose. Spending 4 billion for Star Wars and millions for the Marvel properties was a good move. Those properties are going to be even more valuable when everyone is in the TV game. Disney is one smart cookie.

Any why does everyone in Silicon Valley refer to shows as content, they are shows.