Apple Watches Are Not Douchbagery

I am currently working on an expose’ on Elon musk. I had down time so I did an official Apple Watch guide to set the record straight. Google fans, look away. Also, Helloworld pointed out immediately when this watch was introduced that the crown/dial should have been centered. He is right, it is oft putting.

Sporty Spice

Don't look like a hog, go for a jog
Don’t look like a hog,  go for a jog

The sport model is cute, if you’re in high school or an actual full-time professional athlete. For everyone else, get the sport band as an accessory (to switch on when you work out,) you’re not a child and you may wear grown-up clothing like a button down shirt one day. This is not android wear, you must start with the mid level watch. The good news is; that means  you only have to choose a band.

On to the band played on.

Cracker Jack prize?
Cracker Jack prize?

This first style is comical, it looks like a watch you get from one of those $0.25 gum ball machines with prizes. And like those rigged machines, you always regret it after you spend mommy’s money. If you find yourself attracted to this style, just get a Casio.

2Watches8x1024This thing on the left could be the ugliest thing Apple ever designed. You know Jonny Ive’s assistant did that disaster. It looks like a watch you find between couch cushions. The one on the right will smell. Both clasps are totally unsecured so watch where you walk.

This one here ain’t bad. Plain and clean. (Classic Buckle)

Closer but not perfect

Finally, (below) we see a watch that is elegant. The perfect accent to a perfect suit. The accessory to turn khakis and a Hilfiger shirt into a complete outfit. Put on a pair jeans and a t-shirt but make sure the world knows you’ve got it where it counts. If you can pull it off, go for the pink. Me, I’m getting blue. (Modern Buckle)

Classy like TD.O
Classy like TD.O

Lastly, if you can afford an Edition, get it. And if you want to know which one to get, here it is. The red Ferrari of Apple watches. Don’t worry if DBag Kevin Rose thinks you’re a douchebag.

Ooooooh yea
Tap that Gûm  (photo by

8 thoughts on “Apple Watches Are Not Douchbagery”

  1. So. The milanese loop has been around for ages. Nobody at Apple designed it..

    And yeah, leather smells SO BAD. I can’t believe people use it for .. well almost everything in fashion. /s


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  2. I see what you’re doing now: its sort of a performance art thing, right? You’re ridiculing the industry that revolves around people we’ve never heard of offering up their opinions about technology of which they have no first-hand knowledge, and therefore indirectly critiquing TWiT. Its commentary on how people well known for one thing (I.e watching TWiT so we don’t have to and telling us the good parts) assume that audience will blindly consume whatever unrelated content they may want to serve up, no matter how off topic, derivative, and unoriginal it might me.

    Bravo sir, bravo!

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