Lisa Kentzell is reportedly distraught that the Petaluma Market is refusing to install Apple Pay machines at checkout. “How am I supposed to get my pervy boyfriend his soup if I can’t use my shiny gold iPhone to pay for it?” said the visibly disturbed homewrecker.

Interns have been dispatched to scour a 50-mile radius from 140 Keller St., to see where they can most efficiently supply the TWiT founder with his precious liquid lunches. #TotalDrama will stay on top of this story for further developments.