Here’s a hot tip for all you aspiring young broadcasters out there: It’s more important to learn how to drum your fingers on a table and scrunch up a piece of paper and throw it at an expensive video camera lens than it is to hone your craft. Forget well-researched stories. Begone pesky “work” getting great guests. All you need is those two tricks and you’re ratings gold.

Remember, modern viewers don’t want news, they don’t want insightful commentary—they want people who can turn a wooden desktop into a percussion instrument. It’s what Walter Cronkite would have done if he had been able to afford a lobotomy.

So for now, I’m not naming names. I’m just going to leave this as a little reader quiz. Who do you thinks this post is about? Leave a comment if you would with your best guess. Thanks!