Ahead of Tuesday’s big announcements by Apple, Inc., reports have reached #TotalDrama’s ear that Mike Elgum has locked himself in the “Rape Room” to gather his thoughts.

There is nothing quite like a TWiT Special Event that brings out the inane and irrelevant mumbling from the so-called news director. We’re expecting quite a load of lame jokes, a garbage pail of half-cocked commentary and a shit-ton of bizarre ass-licky attempts to curry favor with Leo. All of it—of course—will fall flat. But that’s not stopping Gumbot from hunkering down in the bunker and cobbling together a slew of shitty rants to throw at an unsuspecting livestream audience.

Shrewd TWiT watchers will be prepared with earplugs or will just tune in to the CNET to get the real story on Apple’s expected blockbuster tech news.