Say aaaahhhhhhh

Thanks to modern technology and friends of #TotalDrama within the highest levels of U.S. intelligence agencies, a new revelation has been exposed. Two facts that lived in conflict, until now, have finally been reconciled. How is the rapid weight-gain congruent with the fact that Laporte eats salad?  The weight-gain—estimated at 2.42 pounds per day—is an amount well over the expected level, being that two of the five daily meals are listed as “salad.”

The first step in solving the riddle was photo-analysis via the latest high level CIA equipment. The process broke down the gargantuan forkfull of food to its essential elements. The results were so outlandish that #TotalDrama was compelled to garner another source to confirm the findings. A reporter was sent to find a former intern whose very job was ordering and fetching the “salad.”  The question was posed, “What was in the salad?” This was done without giving the intern prior knowledge of the CIA findings. The result was a 100-percent match, and the ingredients are meticulously listed below:

• Fried bacon
• Ribs (extra sauce)
• Jiffy peanut butter
• Hold the lettuce
• Seven Island dressing
• Fried wontons
• 1 Big Mac with extra cheese
• 1/2 pie of Dominoes pizza
• Chocolate milkshake
• Cream gravy
• Ham coated in goat cheese
• 2 Slices of cheese cake
• Green ham (shown in picture)
• 3 pieces of lasagna
• Fondue
• French fries
• Hold all vegetables

*Update* Details are now emerging that the Petaluma Market keeps  yearling piglets out back to slaughter upon receipt of the Laporte salad order.