We here at #totaldrama pride ourselves on creativity and free expression. So it is in that celebrated spirit that today we are announcing the invention of a new word. It’s a modern union of English letters that takes both the best and the worst of two vile words and smashes them together in a frothy amalgam of something entirely cutting-edge and novel.
Presenting: Cuntch *
For decorum’s sake, I will not be revealing the two words that make up the mashup. Oh, what the hell, here they are: bitch and cunt.
The TNT Way: Have a reporter on to talk about a story they’ve written. Fair enough. Not as good as having the actual newsmaker to tell their side of the story. But I’ll go along with it for now.
However, why would TNT host Mike Elgan have a reporter on to talk about what other reporters have reported? Is this like some kind of Inception joke? How about this: Engage in ORIGINAL REPORTING and broadcast it to your audience. This six degrees of separaton-style show is just not compelling enough to ever garner a real audience.
Here’s a hot tip for all you aspiring young broadcasters out there: It’s more important to learn how to drum your fingers on a table and scrunch up a piece of paper and throw it at an expensive video camera lens than it is to hone your craft. Forget well-researched stories. Begone pesky “work” getting great guests. All you need is those two tricks and you’re ratings gold.
Remember, modern viewers don’t want news, they don’t want insightful commentary—they want people who can turn a wooden desktop into a percussion instrument. It’s what Walter Cronkite would have done if he had been able to afford a lobotomy.
So for now, I’m not naming names. I’m just going to leave this as a little reader quiz. Who do you thinks this post is about? Leave a comment if you would with your best guess. Thanks!
The FAQ page of #totaldrama has been updated with a new section: Heroes of The Effort. Our first honoree is Captain Juno. You can always click on the FAQ at the top right of the homepage, but Captain Juno looms so large for us here, that we thought an extra-special shoutout was in order:
HEROES OF “THE EFFORT”
Captain Juno is an unidentified freedom fighter in The Effort against the lies of Twit. He is known to spare nothing in exposing what needs to be exposed; unmasking what needs to be unmasked; and video-ing what needs to be videoed. Bless you Cap Juno, for all that you do—and all that you will do. Here’s the link to his YouTube, a must-see for all fans of #totaldrama and #truth.
If you think we’ve forgotten about the trailblazing hostess of “Marketing Mavericks,” then you don’t know #TotalDrama. There’s plenty of time to dive deep into the bottomless pit that is Tonya Hall. So grab a bottle of hairspray, because girlfriend, we are gonna be here a while.
If you like a lively pre-show filled with girly giggles and a heavy dose of scarves and sweaters plus the largest laptop this size of Texas (more on these two tricks for the eye later) followed by a snoozefest of a show dealing with the intersection of the triangle connecting the parallelogram of marketing and the intergoogles, then “Marketing Mavericks” might just be the show for you. If you’ve ever wondered what the CEO of a suspect online retailer ate for breakfast or what the third-rate PR flack from a nearly bankrupt Web 2.0 company is twooterin’ and tweeterin’ about this month, then “Marketing Mavericks” is definitely the show for you.
But before we can get to all of that public-relationy amazingness, we have to address the elephant in the room: Tonya honey. Hey! Tonya. We’re talking to you. Listen girl. We are on to you. Update your decades-old Twitter profile pic. Lose the voluminous scarves that you’re hiding behind and for Chrissake step out from behind that gigantic laptop and embrace your inner NatureBox. Leo has; Padre has. Now it’s your turn. Say it loud, say it proud, “I am a big personality. And I will have a black person on my show before the end of the year.” Aw, who are we kidding? Twit doesn’t have black people on the air.
But seriously, who gives a flying fudge about marketing? “Marketing,” after all, is just a polite word for “fibbing.”
Any regular watcher of the TWiT livestream has heard Leo Laporte and his dubious claims that he has celebrity pals. Although it’s unclear how many of these “best buddies” even know that Leo exists—let alone are aware that he boasts of their friendship.
Please leave a comment if you have any evidence of Leo being friends with:
Kevin Spacey (Leo has interviewed the Academy Award-winning actor “many, many times.)
Kevin from “Home Alone”
New information has come to light from a trusted source, here are the latest additions to Leo’s FriendZone®:
Steve Wozniak (The WOZ)
Stevie Wonder (We might need to research this one a bit more.)
Nick Bilton (dubious)
Update! Update! Update!
Regis Philbin (Leo taught Regis how to use Twitter.)
Pope Francis (Leo knows His Holiness through an indirect spiritual connection courtesy of PadreSJ.)
Steve Jobs (Leo apparently played volleyball with the late founder of Apple.)
The sooner this is sorted out, the sooner we can get back to more important topics. Thanks!
Exposing The Dark Underbelly of TWiT, Leo Laporte, and Failed CEO Lisa Laporte