All posts by Mike Elgum

Laporte Rewind on #totaldrama #trolls

We all knew that 2014 was the year that two fellas on twitter made the #soupguzzler rethink the internet, morality, law and the essence of life. Here we look back on trolling with three master trolls, the only one missing was Padre.

Sorry I did not have time to write more, I just saw the Captain’s video and wanted to post it here before anyone else did.
Crazy fan
Crazy fan

Harmony

No matter your feelings toward this site, regardless of your belief in God or Atheism, irrespective of race religion and orientation, there is unanimity that Ozzie the Dog is a malformed, twisted thing. This egregious affront to all life spends its days prancing around Petulama as it literally pisses on everything it sees.

Genetic MAlfunction
Genetic Malfunction and Modern Day Medusa

Mothers hide their children and animals shield their young when this abortion trots by. Half dog, half devil, every aloof step this cretin takes is a rebuke on all mankind. Somehow it appears to have inherited the worst behaviors from every genus of modern biology.

A normal Dog with Sarah Lane
A normal Dog with the lovely and talented Sarah Lane, image courtesy @Instagram

Rumors have surfaced that if you cut its head off, another grows back. Some say it developed a skunk-like spray that it emits from its mouth—others claim it hides all day and only comes out to irritate at opportune moments. Its origin is a murky mystery with speculation that it is nature’s very own bastard.

In a cruel twist of fate, this varmint stumbled upon the only place it would not be immediately euthanized: TWiT HQ. This is where this abomination of nature makes its home. Black hearts abound here and Ozzie has found a place where it can revel in its own wretchedness.psptubez_xmas_561

Happy Holidays!

It hurts me deep inside

I was getting set for the holidays. The presents were bought and wrapped, the tree was up and the sweaters were on, my mom was making dinner and it smelled so good. I sat down to watch a Christmas Edition of “iPad Today”………He made me cry.

People say that #TotalDrama is mean, we call people “fat,” but I wonder if we could be meaner. What if we really looked into someone’s soul and searched for something they were sensitive about? It would hurt more if we exploited that weakness. Calling someone “fat” is what we should have outgrown at six years old, it’s amateurish. Professional assholes try to really hurt people. Also, at Drama we call ‘strangers’ names—if someone really wanted to maximize pain, the key is to go after a friend. Lastly, to be truly evil, we could cover our insults in smiles then enjoy watching their pain and force the recipients of our attacks to grin and bear it. No, that is not realistic. No human is capable of such cruelty………save one.

At some point I am going to start not liking Brian. Fuck the job, do something! He is an animal. You think this is for the show? It makes the show better? People don’t enjoy watching depravity. What kind of a person does this? Maybe she cares maybe she doesn’t; I don’t know. But if you think another human being is troubled by something what kind of person mocks them about it. Anyway to the dear #twitlive fans, remember it is #TotalDrama that is mentally ill, you people are saints.

Hey Hey Hey and a How Dee Doo

Why do so many of us find the #Soupguzzler’s overt sham of a personality so offensive?

I forget where I read or heard an interesting theory on the comicbook hero Superman and his alias, Clark Kent. The thought was that Superman is an alien from Krypton. When he created Clark Kent he was attempting to invent a persona that would fit in with Earthlings. So the performance Superman does when pretending to be Clark Kent is essentially what Supe thought of us Earthlings. (OMG Supe is short for Superman and #soup is…) And how would we describe Clark? He is a stumbling, bumbling, babbling fool. So essentially, Superman believed the human race was a bunch of fools.

A doofus like no other
A doofus like no other

Now let us look at the fake persona our favorite fatman has invented. The man has a fake laugh he delivers on cue. He pretends to like or care for his fans and colleagues. He acts like anyone he encounters is remotely interesting to him and not meaningless ants whose sole purpose is to buy TWiT shirts and download his podcasts. He fakes caring about holidays and religion when in reality he finds theists to be fools. He pretends to care about sports when in actuality he deems it an inherent waste of his time.  He smiles at you while counting the seconds until you leave his presence. He hates people and wants only to eat, have sex, read and play chess. Truly, the man holds humanity in contempt and I admit it, this is the one thing I have in common with him, I kinda like this aspect of the big guy.

*Editors Note* Drama never takes vacation.

Helping Children

We have said some mean stuff on this site, even me. But never in the exalted history of this site have we ever implied that TWiT or anyone at TWiT would take advantage of starving children.

Think of the Children
Think of the Children

Can someone please help me out? Is TWiT donating the proceeds from the New Year’s show to UNICEF? Are the proceeds of the TWiT shirts going to UNICEF? Partial proceeds? Will TWiT be making a public donation to UNICEF? Are the fans supposed to donate?

I don’t understand how this works and as a journalist, I need facts. One thing you can count is you will get an exact figure from Leo. He is not the type of guy to just say “a lot” or “we could not be happier with the money raised” or “UNICEF is so so grateful.” I am certain we will get actual numbers like every other fundraiser right? Hello? Hello? Anyone? Is this on?

Dickhead kicks Chickenhead

Moments before the start of the show that features a humongous priest playing with remote control planes aired, the unthinkable happened:

Since the onset of the Elgum TNT era, fan after fan has abandoned TNT. One who remained was Chickenhead21. The Chickenhead is on the same wavelength as the host and the two really connect on a deep level. The only interaction Gum is capable of with the fans is asking for show titles. This is where the Chicken excels. Show after mindless show and day after infuriating day and week after suicide-inducing week of TNT, the fan offers up 30 to 40 mindless titles after each episode of the shitshow. He is basically Mike’s lone fan.

In an apparent break from doing his master’s wishes, the Head Chat Freak kicked the poultry fan from #twitlive to the amazement of the five other fans. Will the headless chicken numbered 21 return? Can TNT survive with only four fans? Is Dan in trouble? Will he apologize?

LOL? WTF?
LOL? WTF?

Santa

That is not him whoever sent this to #TD.N
That is not him whoever sent this to #TD.N

As Santa goes over his Who is Naughty and Who is Nice list, we here at #TotalDrama did too. Our editorial meeting concluded recently and we decided it’s time to present the Top Nine Evil Moves of 2014:

#9 — Laughing as slaves and interns clean his mess


The ALS challenge gimmick was too much to pass up. But this reluctant participant was too lazy to walk outside. Instead he did it indoors and laughed as his slaves slaved away.

#8 — Forcing Jason to work Sundays and tearing him away from his family

spiros_bits_0194jpgIt was a sad day for the entire Howell household when Jason gathered the whole family to the dinner table. “No more seeing Dad on Sundays, no more baseball games or play recitals, the boss has stolen my Sundays. But I can sit home alone on Thursdays as mommy goes to work and you, my precious darlings, are in school” Not a dry eye, ne’er a one.

#7 — Conspiring with Padre to fire Shannon on her honeymoon

new5

Uncovered by #Drama, it appeared Shannon’s time at TWiT was up until we broke that #scoup and saved her for a time. In an expected move of cowardice, the news that she was fired was scheduled to be forced on the young lass over her honeymoon. They did not want to tell her face to face and at that happy time they could send a quick email instead of telling her in person.

#6 — Disrespecting longtime friend Steve Gibson


In what can only be described as sheer and utter disregard for another human being, the glutton walks away for minutes on end while doing a podcast with Steve Gibson. Implying to his listeners the man is a bore who goes on and on.

#5 — Firing Amber without even a text after eight years of service

spiros_bits_0194jpgRemember, this man fired Erik Lanigan by text and chastised iYaz Akhtar for resigning by email. But Amber, she got neither an email or a text from this behemoth.

#4 — Firing Chad with no notice

Leo gives Chad the big "fuck you."

We all know what happens to young boys who move to California chasing their dreams. But who knew the father figure would not give him some time or even a warning (we noticed he is wearing the same shirt as in #5 too #WTF) before shoving the twenty-something host out the door.

#3 — Making editors work nights on a whim

This was a gut wrenching day for the entire editing staff as their lives were upended as #Soup guzzled down a few hamburgers and fries.

#2 — Laughing at Elgum’s possible life threatening sickness

Now #TotalDrama is not big fans of the newsman but when we saw he may be dying we had some sympathy, not these two. CEHo and LEHo  laughed and laughed.

#1 — Humiliating Sarah Lane on live stream after Elgum debut


It is no surprise who once again comes in at #1. In a textbook display of what psychologists call “Displaced Anger” the king goes off on Sarah for some mindless reason rather than admit he just made the biggest mistake of his life in firing Merritt and hiring a news anchor with zero broadcast experience. To be fair, how would you have reacted after watching his mind-numbing debut?

Scumbag?

Native advertising, it is a thing despised by Leo Laporte and @profjeffjarvis, two scrupulous experts on journalism. When one is viewing a respected publication such as the New York Times, one may read a story that is actually a paid ad in article format, with a disclosure that it is an ad  only revealed in small print. This is a disgrace. This is offensive. This is known as native advertising.

As we know, 70% of the podcast audience is audio only.  They do not see a lower-third. Therefore, it is the host’s responsibility to make them aware when he is reading an ad.  Most reputable radio networks employ policies requiring phrases like “and now a word from our sponsor” or “this show is brought to you by” to be read, so the audience knows, at the outset, that it is an ad. Listen to the clip (below) and see when or if #soupguzzler does a disclaimer that he is reading an ad for Blue Apron. This is especially offensive on a podcast where the host often talks freely about favorite games and apps and phones and movies and maybe food services too. The #soupguzzler does these native ads constantly.

How long does he wait to say it is an ad?
Does he ever reveal it is an ad?
They’ll figure it out when they hear an offer-code?

Theeeeeeeeeeee Tech Guy!


He Like a de women!
Original content aired by TWiT.TV under Creative Commons license

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A tragic day for good looking people!
A tragic day for good looking people!

Seventy years ago the USA intelligence agencies failed causing  a Hawaiian naval  base to be destroyed which in turn gave World War II a new combatant.  In 2013 and 2014 a CEHo attempted to move revenues away from being 85%-90% Leo and failed even worse. But #totaldrama failed too.

We have not supplied an adequate explanation as to how management could be so inept. In a few short months they fired their #1 talent, hired an obese priest to be their main star, reduced the presence of the lovely and talented Sarah Lane by 50% and the only new show not to be cancelled is Padre’s Corner which has yet to get one ad, outside of  networkwide-weekly-buyouts. This is not a joke even though it may seem like one.

So today I offer two possible answers. One hit me when I was perusing Richardya on Soundcloud, this piece had lyrics that made me think of psycodelic drugs.

That is one answer, psycodelic drugs. The other answer is a mental condition brought to our attention in the invaluable comments section of our little niche kitsch blog.

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following  symptoms: Five or more? Our boy is 9 for 9.

<1> Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Let’s think about this. Have you seen the chair he sits in? Do you know how often he speaks to his staff when not on camera? Try never. He makes everyone, including Vint Cerf: the father of the internet,  wait for him. He loves associating himself with people like Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs when he should be associating with people like Prof Jeff Jarpiss. Does he tell you fans about his fabulous 49’er seats, or that he goes to the Superbowl or that he sits front row at concerts and flies first class and on and on.

<2> Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

The man speculated that if he was offered thirty million dollars for his network he would think about selling. Uh Huh. (video proof) He also considers himself 1st class elite and surrounds himself with pictures of himself and his network logo. (Look at his desk) He is very infatuated with his looks and his relationship. Why does everyone know about his fancy toilet and TV, oh the success he is.

<3> Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Have you ever heard him mention a friend from his actual life? No. Never. But how many times has he mentioned Kevin Spacey and Steve Martin and Paul Simon and fucking Regis?

<4> Requires excessive admiration

His girlfriend and news director could be two of the biggest suck ups living in the eastern hemisphere of planet Earth. Le’gum quotes #Soup like other people quote Shakespeare and Aristotle. The Soupguzzler hires people like Jeff_N and EffenDund and Patrick who are huge fans. He wants to be around people who worship him. If you examine all his co-hosts from Steve Gibson to Dicky Debartolo to @ProffJeffJarvis they all heap excessive amounts of praise on him. (not Thurrott)

<5> Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Why not fly first class and stay at Claridges where royalty stays? People serve him coffee and bring him lunch. People plug in his laptop. He hates his fans but loves their admiration. He has a 24 hour chatroom where one can praise him or hit the road.

<6> Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Pay the stars on MacBreak Weekly and Windows Weekly pittance. Pay guests (besides JCD) on TWiT zero and expect them to beg to be on his show. Tear Jason away from his family on Sundays to work his show. Change editors hours to working nights from working days on a whim. The Hebrews were treated better in Egypt than his employees are treated. Chat room mods are even bigger suckers, those freaks serve him because he says their nicks twice a year on camera.

<7> Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Ruins lives without thinking about it. Bye Bye Erik Lanigan. His poor fans spending their last penny on TWiT mugs so he can go on yet another vacation. [This symptom <7> of the disorder is very similar to prior <6> if you think about it, so the examples there belong here too, but I am not typing them again.]

<8> Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Gee, he thinks Kevin Rose and Dvorak ripped him off. He thinks every podcaster on Earth ripped him off yet pays zero homage to the podcasters before him, such as Adam Curry and Harry Gilchrist. He is so jealous of Kevin Rose for selling Revision 3. I don’t even like Kevin Rose but the fact that he caused so much pain to the two-faced freak makes me like the little guy a bit.

<9> Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Does alleged sexual harassment count? How about if we factor in laughing at sexual harassment training? How about treating employees like slaves? How about exploiting personal relationships on air to fool the idiot fans in #twitlive? Does making everyone wait for you qualify? How about expecting everyone to appear on your podcasts free and never appear on theirs, no matter how many times they ask?

*Note* I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, I barely even watch TV but if the #soupguzzler can diagnose us, we can diagnose him. Tit for tat.