Christine Warren looks like hell. It’s almost as if she’s completely given up on everything. AND FOR THE RECORD: This image is not some screen grab that the editorial board at Total Drama Photoshopped or otherwise doctored up to make her look this shitty. This image is from a tweet that a professional writer posted that is supposed to flatter her to promote another bizarro project she’s involved herself in.
Yikes, we can only imagine the frames that they didn’t use—gives us the creeps. Doesn’t it look like she got her hair caught in a meat grinder?
Well, folks. This is the beginning of the end for Leo’s vaunted “CNN of Tech.” Lisa Laporte has screamed via her Twitter account that TWiT is indeed moving out of the million-dollar Shit Twithouse. The new location is yet to be determined…but the editorial board at Total Drama is prepared to wager the new digs will be a much, much shittier place to work than the bizarro world that Leo has created for himself in downtown Petaluma.
Odds are that they are moving to some completely lame industrial park space where potential guests will be double- and triple-checking their GPS coordinates and muttering to themselves, “Where the FUCK is this place?”
Perhaps most interesting of all will be to hear Leo’s spin on moving out of downtown, even farther away from the action of Silicon Valley and San Francisco.
Padre has been heard to already be fighting over office space wherever they end up. And I can just imagine the matching parking spots labelled “Chief TWiT” and “CEO.” Gag me already.
Lard-ass of the Century, Leo Laporte is now back to begging his “fans” for money. The editorial board at Total Drama is not quite sure what to do with this outrageous and cynical grab for cash. Instead of holding his fat hand out like a common Petaluma street bum, perhaps Leo could put down the soup spoon, dump his hag wife and get on the treadmill. That’s the best way for people to support Leo:
Professional lady journalist Becky Worley—and inexplicable supposed friend of Leo Laporte—nearly squirt herself right out of the million-dollar studio recently during “Good Morning America’s” dopey 40for40 stunt (who even knows that that means) during the late-night broadcast. Luckily enough she was able to recover in time to complete the hour-long show.
Highlights from the non-event include:
Leo having to admit that Petaluma is in the middle of nowhere.
Becky referring to Leo’s netcasting empire as a “podcast.”
A creepy musician playing with himself.
No in-studio appearance by Padre the fatass fake clown priest. (Possibly the year’s greatest highlight besides DickPicGate.)
Becky reminding Leo that he used to be on network television shilling stupid gadgets on “Live with Regis and Kelly” made for a wonderfully sad moment.
Seeing OMGChad’s weird goatee; he was obviously trying to hide his unexpected weight gain that resulted in the sudden growth of his very own double chin. See for yourself.
Watching Becky produce a show so effortlessly while Leo stood by with his hands in his pockets was immensely satisfying to longtime hate-watchers. It’s almost as if having a pleasing onscreen presence, being prepared and being well-spoken (in a non-sexist way) might just be something Leo should emulate.
In an odd twist, there was zero discussion of Megan Morrone’s recent foray into racism. The editorial board at Total Drama was hoping for a wide-ranging talk about Megan Morrone being a racist. Well there’s always next week. Megan is bound to say something racist.
Christina Warren (aka Film_Girl, aka, Poop_Girl, aka FlimsyCunt) appeared on a recent “This Week in Tech” looking like a suburban turd. Her greasy hair and over-done eye makeup is really just too much. She claims to live in Brooklyn. Listen up, honey. That makeup is more suited to Staten Island or the Bridge-and-Tunnel crowd than the hipster enclave of Brooklyn.
First of all, WHAT are those stringy pieces of blackened kelp hanging off the back of her head? And please don’t tell me that that is her actual hair. It looks like she’s got nasty Johnny Depp-style pirate hair. And secondly, does she really think that a touch of rouge is going to reverse decades of built-in ugly?
So why don’t you come clean already and confess that you are not camera-ready and stick to doing “Tech News Today” while hiding behind a still image and using audio-only Skype.
In a sad acknowledgment that Lisa is succeeding at murdering Leo’s dreams, the embattled “Cheif TWiT” has now been forced to ban the very fans from which they draw their livelihood from visiting the million-dollar studio on Thursdays and Fridays.
In an official post on the “Inside TWiT” blog, Lisa announced the drastic measure and reminded fans that “advance RSVPs” are needed to visit during the remaining five days after the gold-digging cunt took a hatchet to the idea that fans could watch the behind-the-scenes action. Speculation centers around two key possibilities for this latest retrenchment at TWiT HQ: Lisa is deathly afraid of fans asking the tough questions while Leo is not around to police the loose lips of disgruntled employees. And Padre’s ego is spiraling out of control and Lisa doesn’t want fans in the studio while Leo is gone.
TotalDrama can only imagine what must be going through Padre’s mind. Leo was already pissed at the fat Father for hogging the spotlight, so now that no studio audience will be able to watch Padre in action, his ego must be deflating faster than that drone balloon that the CIA lost last week.
In the old days, fans would drive for hours to have the chance to wear a lice-riddled fez and have Leo patronize them by half-listening to their stories about how they used to watch him on TechTV.
Congratulations, Lisa! You’ve finally succeeded in ruining the social experiment that Leo started not that long ago during the good old days at the TWiT Cottage. Now that she’s gotten rid of Erik, Sarah, Tom, Iyaz, Amber, Chad—among countless others—we should have known that it wouldn’t be long until she got rid of the fans as well.
In honor of Halloween, (because, really, what other excuse could there possibly be?) an orange-faced Megan “I’m a Mom” Morrone appeared visibly angry on the set of “Tech News Tonight” yesterday and flubbed her lines, stuttered over pre-written jokes and generally acted like a fool. In the process, the usually well-composed Georgia Dow was thrown off by Morrone’s monster-like appearance as she turned in a less-than-stellar performance of her own. But Dow can be forgiven in the face of the disturbing jack-o-lantern that Megan Morrone presented on-screen.
Hey, Megan: How about doing us all a favor and leaving the pumpkinhead impersonation to EffenDunn?
Total Drama has come under intense and sustained attack by commenters pointing out that we have been flat-out wrong about a number of issues recently. We are nothing if not fully engaged in a robust and far-reaching inquiry into truth. So it is with a humble heart and an open mind toward change that the editorial board at Total Drama would like to offer up the following corrections:
Megan Morrone is a beautiful woman with feminine eyebrows who should be allowed to talk about her kids as much as she wants even though she works for a lecherous pig who circumvents the very “family-friendly” nature of the network he purports to uphold. The idea that she is supporting the livelihood of a man who routinely sexually harasses every woman on his staff is ludicrous. And she most assuredly does not look like comedian Demetri Martin.
EffenDunn (Jason C. Cleanthes) is a good-looking man with a full head of hair and clear skin who does not laugh like a hyena whenever he fucks up. In fact, the notion that he has ever “fucked up” is an outrageous mischaracterization of the truth. There was also no point in time where he was unable to run the TriCaster. He has always been good at his job and any remarks to the contrary are just filthy lies.
Lisa Laporte is a talented woman whose bangs are lovely. She most definitely did not “wreck” Leo Laporte’s home and cause his divorce. The fact that she insists on fancy European vacations and expensive cruises should be understood as well-earned time away from her excruciating work schedule of designing t-shirts and looking for windowless warehouses because she botched the TWiT Brickhouse lease.
Amber MacArthur was not fired with no notice before her last show with Sarah Lane and is always happy to have her name mentioned during FreshBooks live ad ads.
Tonya Hall is a slender and lovely woman and the idea that she would be referred to as “Two Ton Tonya” is just completely horrible. Her show “Marketing Mavericks” was not cancelled. It is simply on “hiatus” forever.
Leo Laporte is a caring father and the fact that he did not tell his mother about his marriage to Lisa Kentzell should not factor into anyone’s decision as to the true nature of Leo’s relationship with his mother. Leo did not cheat on his wife. She simply decided to “go away” on her own.